Adding, subtracting, multiplication, working out quadratic equations: these are things we all do everyday. This is maths, or mathematics in the original Chinese. Maths is sometimes referred to as the ‘science of numbers’ though there are fewer test-tubes and Bunsen burners involved, and people rarely burn their eye-lashes off when working out the area of a quadrilateral. The Chinese invented maths in the fifth century BC, though it was originally useless since it would be another two hundred years before numbers were discovered by the Persian king Arses (not pronounced as you'd expect). The exception is the number 48, which was added much later by the dastardly King John, who did it just to increase the tax revenue he was getting from the barons. This led to the signing of Magna Carta, which was widely regarded to be a good thing but didn’t have an awful lot to do with maths.

Maths is often portrayed as a boring subject, but this could not be more wrong! As any right-thinking person will tell you, there is simply nothing to compare with the visceral thrill of writing out logarithm tables. In order to combat the rising tide of ambivalence towards the subject by young people, the Department for Education and Employment has recently launched a new campaign with the slogan ‘Maths – more of a kick than a kilo of coke!’ Television spots promoting the campaign have been created starring famous Hollywood actor and drug addict Robert Downey Jr., and can be seen on Channel Five after midnight and at any time on Men & Motors.

One of the most confusing aspects of maths for many people is algebra. This is much simpler than many people think, however. Basically, all algebra does is replace numbers with letters. The standard code is as follows:

Thus, the equation x + y – c is equal to 57 (or LVII if you’re an ancient Roman). This can become slightly misleading, however, when there are letters on two sides of an equation. For instance: x + y = b.

Obviously, 17 + 42 does not equal 8,134,667, unless the calculator you are using is broken. Equations of this sort are, therefore, TOOLS OF THE DEVIL, and if you ever see anyone write one down you should repeat them to your nearest bishop at once. A crack special forces team consisting of three cardinals and a Vatican-trained sharpshooter will be sent around to eradicate the problem.

Trigonometry is the study of triangles. One of history’s biggest triangle fans was Pythagoras. You may not have heard of him because he’s been dead for quite a long time, but he did a lot of work with inner-city triangles in ancient Greece. The most famous of Pythagoras’ work has become known as Pythagoras’ Theorem. This states that, in a right-angled triangle, the longest side will always be longer than either of the shorter sides. There is also a lesser-known Second Theorem that Pythagoras formulated after a particularly heavy night on the town. This Second Theorem states that ‘triangles are my best mate; I love you man. Cor, look at the knockers on her. Give us a feel, love.’ Mathematicians have thus far been unable to disprove this.

You’ve probably been asked many times by your friends to work out the circumference of a circle that they have drawn. This is where Π (pronounced ‘pi’) comes in. Π comes from the Greek word pi, meaning pie, because a circle looks like a big pie (a round pie, obviously, not a rectangular one like a cottage pie). Π is a funny number, because it has no end. Mathematicians, who tend not to get invited to many parties, have worked Π out to many thousands of decimal places, and they don’t seem in danger of running out of numbers any time soon. Many people have suggested that the lack of a definite figure for Π is evidence that God does not exist. Theologists, however, say that it is simply a punishment laid upon mathematicians for drawing all these bloody circles in the first place.

The diagram below shows a car’s path around a car park: