An 'out of rules' writing again... any grammar flaws please do let me know many thanks :-)
This house used to full of your noise
now full of dust
I hardly remember how you sounded
when I am getting older each day.
Why our voice can be kept and piled up
like the dust in our house?
You must somehow have shreded
some fragmented livings beneath
the floors, or behind the corners
in this house that I see nothing
but dust in the day
only by night when the moonlight
fills in my room, and bed, and floor
your voice rises from dust in the light
and I hear how you sound once more
in my dreams that will be swept
away each time
by the morning dust.
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Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 9th April 2008 |
You draw an interesting picture - sustaining the metaphor throughout.
You also ask about flaws in grammar: these are some i wondered over_
This house used to full => this house used to BE full
Why our voice can be kept => perhaps you mean "HOW CAN your voice be kept"?
shreded => shreDDed
some fragmented livings => I don't know what you mean by "livings" because "living" tends to mean "alive" and also the money you earn that enables you to live (I'm sure you don't mean that!). FRAGMENTS OF LIFE, perhaps?
swept
away each time
by the morning dust.
=>
swept
away each time
WITH the morning dust. - unless you mean "dust" as an abstract noun, the action of dusting. Which perhaps you do.
Any help? |
Written by lauthiamkok (60 comments posted) 9th April 2008 |
Hello fellpony, many thanks for the correction. All your guess are correct in this piece. I'll re-write like this,
This house used to be full of your noise
now full of dust
I hardly remember how you sounded
when I am getting older each day.
Why cannot our voice be kept and piled up
like the dust in our house?
You must somehow have shredded
some fragments of live beneath
the floors, or behind the corners
in this house that I see nothing
but dust in the day
only by night when the moonlight
fills in my room, and bed, and floor
your voice rises from dust in the light
and I hear how you sound once more
in my dreams that will be swept
away each time
by the morning dust.
I like to make the 'dust' in the end as something like a force or power which can take away our memory so I assume 'by' is correct word to express it...
Many thanks for the help again! :-) |
Written by lauthiamkok (60 comments posted) 9th April 2008 |
opss this is the correct one.....
This house used to be full of your noise
now full of dust
I hardly remember how you sounded
when I am getting older each day.
Why cannot our voice be kept and piled up
like the dust in our house?
You must somehow have shredded
some fragments of life beneath
the floors, or behind the corners
in this house that I see nothing
but dust in the day
only by night when the moonlight
fills in my room, and bed, and floor
your voice rises from dust in the light
and I hear how you sound once more
in my dreams that will be swept
away each time
by the morning dust. |
Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 9th April 2008 |
| That works much more easily now! |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1017 comments posted) 9th April 2008 |
I like this. The corrected version reads much better, too. What a way to use 'dust' this way. Very interesting.
Mia  |
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