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By NathanRoberts
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09 April 2008 |
I grew up on the vertices of a village heart:
lost in it's pulse; a triangular core
angled around green, off the main arterial thread.
It's apt to abuse a shop-worn metaphor
to invoke that prism of grocer, News, and King's Head;
and the flow of neighbours,
monitored by youth,
as they re-oxygenate on sugar flavours,
carbs, and four per-cent proof;
unconscious of a script
where cells were just passing through.
Chambers would soon be stripped,
like the trinity of stores,
to reveal a boy's scrawl, not meant for review
for a hundred billion beats or more.
And what now, if we carry narratives forward
to somewhere off the flank of a thigh?
The patient awakes to organs laid clear;
finding that cities, like grown ups, lie:
un-anaesthetized,
and that seven years is enough
for an entire body to repair or disappear.
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Written by fellpony (1580 comments posted) 9th April 2008 | I appreciate the idea behind this (the village as a physical entity - heart, arterial, chambers, organs, body), but feel you obscured it a little with some of the other metaphors. Lines like "It's apt to abuse a shop-worn metaphor to invoke that prism of ... " distanced me from the immediacy of the other parts, which might work better without them. And (this is probably cheek) I keep wanting to put in a comma, for dramatic pause, after "repair" on the last line.
| Warning: spoilers! Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 10th April 2008 | Thanks FP. Yes, I have a tendency for mixed metaphors, but at least I recognised it here! I'm not keen on taking poems apart, but here goes... The 'village heart' related explicitly to that particular section of the village: the roughly triangular 'trinity' of the two shops and the pub, which were stationed around the village green ('green', of course, also implying the naivete of youth - groan!). 'Vertices' (being points on the side of a triangle) hinted at the geometric detail that followed and a simplified or iconic heart shape could be described as roughly triangular so...........well, ok, it's a mixed metaphor (or an abused metaphor..), but then, it's abused poetry . Yes, I agree, the self reflexivity of the 'metaphor' line is distancing, but the whole feel is kinda detached, isolated or self-absorbed, so I don't have a problem with that (other than existentially ) What wasn't explicity stated within the poem was that my family owned and lived by the shop- the only grocer in the village. Now, are you being cheeky in implying that the last line is overly dramatic or cheeky in suggesting it needs a comma to make it more dramatic? I quite like it as it is......ambiguous, undecided and just a little overly dramatic! |
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