My first submission. Any feedback is much appreciated!
I sit in an amphitheatre surrounded by an audience of skeletons. Some
are white like cattle skulls in the desert, picked clean by carrion
birds and bleached by the constant gaze of an unblinking sun. Others
are the sallow yellow of old ivory, covered in dust and cobwebs. Not
all are human.
A young woman stands before the stage, long hair
pulled back in a tight bun, tapping a pen against the bottom row of her
teeth and surveying the multitude of bones inhabiting the many rows of
seats. She has my face and my figure; were she to speak her voice would
have the lilt and cadence of my own. She does not speak. The Director
of Bones has little use for words.
I fidget in my seat. Her gaze
has settled on the bones of a small dog resting with his head between
his paws in the seat to my left. I look to the Director with beseeching
eyes but I do not speak. She extends one arm, palm up. Slender fingers
end in long, tapered nails, lacquered red like a migraine. Her index
finger curls in a gesture of beckoning.
The small dog rattles to
life and sits up, phantom ears pricked in anticipation of the
Director’s instruction. She nods and he rises from his seat.
The
spring-loaded theater seat bucks upright, shudders on its hinges and
comes to rest. Padless paws click across carpetless floor. The skeletal
dog lopes toward the stage, a sinewy layer of muscle tissue weaving
over and through his bones, beginning at the muzzle and creeping down
the length of his body. A flush of pink skin smoothes over the tangle
of ligaments, and shiny black fur pushes up like eager tulips through
melting snow. He ascends the steps to the stage and in the reveal of
footlights the illusion of life is consummate. Pen rapping a
disquieting staccato against her teeth, the Director regards me as the
spider does the mayfly. I shrink back in my chair. The house lights go
down.
A wicked and canny black widow, she spins old memories
into new fictions, wordlessly summoning her actors from their seats in
the audience. She conducts her play like a fever dream, switching out
actors and sets unceasingly, calling upon the bones of family, friends,
pets, and old lovers whose corpses I cannot hide shrewdly enough to
evade her ineluctable casting call. My beloved little black dog, whose
absence is a splinter my mind has been unable to avulse. My father,
redolent of whiskey and grinning at me with wolf’s teeth. Spiders, legs
thick as pencils and brown hairs long and stiff as bristles on a hog.
An old rotary telephone, tocsin shrieking, demanding to deliver some
crushing bit of bad news. Shrunken grey creatures with impossibly large
eyes like oilslicks. The Director stages it all and dredges the
riverbeds for more bones to star in her profane exposition. Relics
retired and cordoned off are indelicately sifted through, cracked apart
and tossed onstage.
A seat snaps up in the darkness behind me
and I cover my face with my hands, muttering futile supplications into
my clammy palms, willing the dissolution of the approaching footfalls
back into the haze of faded memories. I know who has come to haunt me
and he is a sweet and obsolete lie.
Warm hands cover mine.
Gentle, insistent fingers probe the cracks between my own tightly
clamped digits, spreading them, curling over palms slick with nervous
sweat. My hands fall away, useless as prayers. A memory set upon
recollection will not be denied. Resigned to his embrace, I press my
forehead to his chest. His shirt smells of my bedclothes.
"You’re not real," I tell him. "You’re just dusty old bones."
He whispers wordlessly in my ear. The house lights go up. Alone in the amphitheatre, I study my palms.
"Just bones."
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very atmospheric .......... Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 9th April 2008 |
....... and powerfully detailed description. It almost feels like the opening scene to an episode of "Tales of the Unexpected" or similar nerve-jangler - but for all its descriptive power,it feels like an Intro. A good one, yes, but perhaps the first 30 secs to a minute of the episode, pulling the audience to the edge of their seats ........ now the REAL story begins! Good basis to build upon - now, scare the livin' bejasus outta me!! |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1054 comments posted) 9th April 2008 |
Very very good. Very well written. This is superb. Leaves such a haunting feeling at the end, particularly because of the romance I think. Wow! "Just bones" as the end - is the narrator also one of those "bones" people, or is she talking about her ghostly lover? I loved it. Mia |
Written by Asferthecat (851 comments posted) 10th April 2008 |
| Beautifully written. Unhappy memories haunt her. The death of her dog, a doomed love affair. To me this is a bautiful and atmospheric story in its own right. |
Written by stevetroster (1588 comments posted) 10th April 2008 |
This has a distinct atmosphere about it and I found it very easy to form a clear picture in my mind of the amphitheatre. It contains plenty of the surrealism and ambiguity that makes for an ‘interesting’ nightmare and depending on how one reads the last two lines: “I study my palms. "Just bones.".” the scene could be interpreted in various ways. Enjoyed. All the best, Steve. |
Written by JRB (16 comments posted) 10th April 2008 |
| I liked it too. It was written very well and I was able to picture the scenario well. Detailed descriptions worked well. Seems a very good original idea. Gets the reader hooked from the start. |
Written by Merioneth (79 comments posted) 11th April 2008 |
Thank you all for taking the time to read and review my piece and for making me feel so welcome in your community! Bagheera - I can understand how you would come away with the impression that this was an intro to a longer piece, however it is intended as a stand-alone allegory. The tenebrous setting and disturbing imagery are not meant to be taken literally, but as a metaphor for buried memories being dredged up and restored to life by my subconscious. The Director is someone who is at once me and a sadistic and separate Other. Besides, I am absolutely shite at writing anything of substantial length (as you will see if and when you read my pending submissions). My element is the short-short story, whether I like it or not Mia and Steve - The ambiguity of the ending was actually a happy accident. In my mind the ending was pretty clear-cut, but then again I was the one writing it, so of course I would know what I meant. The writer only rents the room, the reader is the one that lives in it, and through their own eisegesis they will come away with a conclusion that is most meaningful and powerful for them. Like how a horror movie that offers only fleeting glimpses of the creature tormenting the protagonists will likely be much more unsettling than one that gives you a chance to scrutinize the monster from all angles. Your mind will fill in the blanks with the peculiarities that are most disturbing to YOU. I digress (digest?), I am glad that the ending carried an air of ambiguity, and by all means, interpret the way that has the most impact for you! Asferthecat - Spot on interpretation of the overall intent of the story, and thank you for your kind words. A trivial aside, the dog did not actually die, I lost him in the disintegration of a relationship and he now lives with my ex and his wife. So I suppose, as far as I'm concerned, he may as well be dead. I miss that little fucker every day. I thought about working the ex part into the story but I figured why complicate things? So I left the impression that he had died for the purposes of simplicity. JRB - Thank you for your review, and if I am correct in my deduction your comment count indicicates that you are fairly new here as well. Hurrah for not being the only new kid! ~Merioneth |
Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 12th April 2008 |
Whoa..initially i thought the director turned the skeletal figure of the dog into a real, living dog and the narrator missed the dog because it had gone back to the real world. And so i was thinking that slowly everyone is going to be turned into a living being one by one and the narrator doesn't like that. But, when i read it again...it all made more sense...and i thought to myself, "what was i thinking?". Very well written, lots of great visual imageries...a nice, haunting, lingering tale...liked it...and oh by the way...welcome aboard...keep writing... Regards, TT |
Written by Lizzy (822 comments posted) 13th April 2008 |
I liked this, a very visual piece, also quite disturbing. Some good phrases, particularly liked 'she spins old memories into new fictions,'! Lizzy |
Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 13th April 2008 |
I liked this very much. Well written, it flowed with rhythm (important in prose as well as poetry) to the end - and it ends well. I'm glad you see this as a complete piece - as I did too - very complete. A fine début. Phil
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