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Extended Work
Secret Friends Chapter one
By Janine
09 April 2008

Hi there

I am currently working on a childrens book and I need some feedback. Spelling, grammer, plot points...anything. I would be very grateful. In brief the story is set in late 19th century in China and is about a young girl who has secret friend who is a tiger. Here is chapter one.....


Chapter One
The Hunt
 

It was the year 1885 and in village located in the deepest jungles of China lived a young girl named Shimoto. She was a beautiful girl with jet black hair; clear olive skin, ruby red lips and dark chestnut eyes. She lived with her mother and her sister Chuntao in a hut in the centre of the village, and she seemed to everyone around her a good and modest young lady. But Shimoto had a secret; she had a friend, but not just any friend-a tiger!

            The people of her village feared tigers so she couldn’t tell anyone about the friendship. There were thousands of tigers hidden within the undergrowth of the vast jungle, but soon these animals would be under threat forcing Shimoto put her modesty aside.

 

‘Mera! Mera!’ shouted Shimoto

 

Suddenly a big male tiger emerged from behind a bush and strode toward her.

 

‘Oh Mera said Shimoto wrapping her arms around him, everyday I look forward to calling your name and seeing you. Come on, why don’t we go and play with the village of Feng’

 

What Shimoto was actually saying was ‘let’s go and cause havoc in the neighbouring village by scaring their cattle. This was another of Shimoto’s big secrets and one of the pairs favourite games.

            They both walked through the jungle towards Feng dodging trees and bushes as they went. Without warning they both heard the sound of men approaching.

 

            ‘Quick hide!’ said Shimoto

 

They dashed behind a large shrub keeping their heads low as they watched three men walk by. They were men from Shimoto’s village and they were carrying a dead Yak suspended on a pole.

‘Tomorrow I might try my hand at a tiger’ said one of the men

 

‘’I haven’t killed one yet’ said the other as he struggled to keep the pole balanced on his shoulder.

 

‘I have killed five bragged the first man, the males are the best as they have bigger ruffs around their necks’.

 

Shimoto and Mera looked on in horror.

 

            ‘That’s disgusting whispered Shimoto, how could they do that’

 

The men walked by without noticing them, but they both remained hidden for a few minutes just to be before carrying on with their journey.

 

Soon they were on the outskirts of the Feng. The village was quiet to their advantage and they sat for a few moments spying on the herdsman as he dozed near the cattle.

 

‘Ok said Shimoto feeling the excitement bubble away inside her, one…two… three!’

 

The cows fled in panic with Mera hot on their tails. The herdsman woke up in alarm and grabbed his spear, his jaw dropped in horror as he saw the big male tiger bound through the clearing. He shouted for help and soon other men came running with spears in hand. This was a sure sign that it was time for Shimoto and Mera to go.

            They ran as the men tried to catch up with them. But they were faster than the undisciplined and lazy men of Feng and soon were out of danger. They reached their hide out, a huge tree with thick branches high enough to keep them safe and out of sight.

 

‘That was brilliant!’ said Shimoto while finding a comfortable place to sit on the branch.

 

For the rest of the afternoon Shimoto and Mera sat talking and cuddling, hidden away from the world in their hide out.

 

It was getting late and Shimoto returned to her village. Her mother was outside the hut preparing a meal and as usual she questioned her about her day.

 

‘It’s late said her mother sternly, her arms folded in an attempt to illustrate her disapproval, where have you been?’

 

‘Oh just walking around’ replied Shimoto grinning

 

‘For four hours!’

 

As her mother continued to grumble, Shimoto noticed the men she had seen in the jungle earlier stood around the weapons hut. So her mother would think she was listening she continued to nod her head as she slyly eavesdropped on the men’s conversation. They were planning to go on a tiger hunt, and the man who had never killed a tiger before was being shown how.

 

            ‘Just show me the basics’ he said

 

‘Of course said the other man bragging, now these animals aren’t like the grazing animals you are used to killing. These are wild ferocious beasts that are as much of a threat to you as you are to them. The best way to kill them is driving the spear through the shoulder blades into the heart’

 

The three of them began laughing while pretending to stab an invisible tiger. They patted each other on the back, proud and filled with excitement at the coming hunt. Shimoto couldn’t take any more of it; walking away from her mother who was still in the process of telling her off she approached the men firmly telling them what she thought.

 

            ‘I think you’re sick’ she said standing as tall as she could.

 

The men gawped in shock at her rudeness, but then began to laugh.

 

‘Put it this way said the bragging man, if there was a drought tomorrow and there was only a dozen herd animals left would you rather have them go to you or some tiger?’

 

‘We are just controlling them’ said the other man with a sneaky smile on his face.

 

Shimoto was horrifed by the bad excuses coming from them. As far as she was concerned there was no good reason to hunt an animal for fun.

 

‘You don’t care about the village, all you want to do is prove how big you are by killing an innocent animal!’

 

Before they got chance to respond she stormed into her hut.

 

            ‘We better watch her’

 

‘Don’t be stupid said the bragging man, she is only a young girl’

 

Her mother went over to the men and apologised for Shimotos behaviour. Returning to the hut she sent Shimoto to bed without supper and told her she wasn’t going out into the jungle anymore as punishment.

‘These are the finest hunters in our village exclaimed her mother, they work hard for us all and you speak to them like that. You have no respect’

 

‘I don’t care; it’s wrong what they do’

 

‘Just get changed and go to sleep Shimoto her mother replied exhausted by her daughter’s behaviour. I don’t know what has come over you today; you are usually such a polite girl. You act like a child now, but with your birthday coming soon it will be time for you to grow up’


She left the hut to continue with her chores and Shimoto did what she was asked insofar that she went to bed. However she kept her clothes on, for tomorrow there would be a hunt and she needed to sneak out of the hut early to make sure that no tigers were hurt.

  

The next day Shimoto woke up early and crept passed her sleeping mother and sister. She headed to the weapons hut and she saw that some spears were missing, the men had already gone. She ran out into the jungle as fast as her legs would carry her and shouted for her friend.

 

‘Mera! Mera!’

 

The big tiger walked out from the undergrowth and jumped on Shimoto playfully licking her face.

 

‘Look…Mera…stop it. The men we saw yesterday from my village are out today hunting tigers. We have to stop them!’

 

They walked through the jungle cautiously keeping their eyes peeled for the men and any hunters from neighbouring villages.  Suddenly they heard a huge ‘ROAR’, and they both ran towards the direction of the sound.      

            They came to the outskirts of a clearing where they saw the men taunting a female tiger with spears. She was swiping at them with her claws and bearing her teeth in fear and anger. Shimoto and Mera hid having no idea what to do next.

 

‘You haven’t killed a tiger before said the bragging man to his friend, you do the honours’ 

 

Two of the men closed in on the tiger one diverting her attention as the other snuck behind her. Mera couldn’t take anymore and jumped out from his hiding place onto the back of the bragging man knocking him down.

            For a moment it seemed like the world had stopped, the men looked at Mera, Mera looked at them and Shimoto stared from behind her hiding place in disbelief. The bragging man began to scream crawling on his hands and knees desperate to get away. The female, realising that the balance of power had been restored, turned to the man who was just about to stab her and grabbed his spear with her teeth. He refused to let go so she shook him like a rag doll until his spear snapped under the great pressure of her jaws flinging him into the trunk of a tree. The other man stood and watched paralysed with fear. The two tigers looked at each other before they set after him. He screamed and ran into the jungle dropping his spear as he fled. They chased him for a few yards before turning back to the clearing where Shimoto was waiting.

            The man that had been hit against the tree was lying unconscious on the ground, and Shimoto began to panic knowing that the villagers will soon be aware of what had happened.

 

‘Mera, she said I have to get back to the village. They will soon know what has happened and I mustn’t raise suspicion. You both must go and hide as they will come looking for you. Tell all the other tigers you meet on the way too’

  

Back at the village the people were in panic, the men were all preparing to go out and find the tigers which had attacked (and embarrassed) them.

 

            ‘Shimoto, where have you been?’ shouted her mother from above the crowd.

 

            ‘For a walk, what has happened?’ she replied as innocently as she could.

 

‘What did I say about going into the jungle? Two tigers attacked the hunters in the forest; it’s not safe out there until they are caught’

 

Shimoto watched as a group of men ventured out to hunt the tigers and bring back the unconscious man. The whole village waited in anticipation for them to return as Shimoto waited in fear that another tiger may be killed. She prayed that Mera and the female were able to spread the word and warn the other tiger’s before it was too late.

            Hours had passed without any word, and then the watchman called out.            

 

‘There’re back!’

 

Everyone rushed out to the centre of the village. The men had returned carrying the unconscious hunter left in the forest. He was held up by two men and looked pale and tired. He got off lightly thought Shimoto. Though the crowd she tried to see if they had bought a tiger back with them. To her relief they had nothing.

           

‘Now people said the head huntsman, we scanned the area and we haven’t found any tigers close by. They must all have some common sense and fled’

 

The crowd seemed tickled by this remark and roared with laughter. Shimoto looked round frowning, disgusted by them and their need to please the head huntsman by laughing at his bad jokes.

 

‘Thankfully no one was seriously hurt, our friend here has a slight bump on the head but nothing that won’t be fixed. We will guard the outskirts of our village and make sure no tigers are close by. But we won’t be seeking to revenge this attack; we have to put it down to sloppiness on the part of our huntsmen…a mistake they won’t be making again’

 

The crowd began to laugh again as the huntsmen lowered their heads in embarrassment.

           

Later that day she snuck out into the jungle to tell Mera not to come to close to the village for a week until the heat had died down. That night as she drifted off to sleep she would be having pleasant dreams knowing that Mera and the other tigers were safe, at least for now.

    

Reviews

Written by fellpony (1519 comments posted) 10th April 2008
What age group are you aiming this at? Your language is quite complex, so I'd guess at around 10 years to 14 years? 
 
Content: I have some trouble logically with the premise of the girl and the tiger being friends. How did he and the girl become friends, instead of tiger and prey? (What is the tiger living on? Why is he in the vicinity of the village?) Also, would a young girl be permitted, unchallenged, to go "for a walk" by herself in the jungle in 19th C China? A boy maybe, but a girl?  
 
I can see that what you are writing is in support of the idea of conservation of the tiger and against hunting it, and you put typical and believable statements into the mouths of the tiger hunters, but my previous paragraph makes me reluctant to suspend my disbelief and go along with the story. Possibly this doesn't matter, since the tale is for children, but I wonder. It feels like a modern set of ideals being forced somewhat unauthentically into a 19th C setting, and that makes me uncomfortable. 
 
Technically: you use fairly short paragraphs, which are suitable for the age range I think it's for. You use plenty of dialogue, which is valuable in children's lit (up to a third could be dialogue). 
 
Your opening needs to be much more pacey for a children's tale: starting with a date and an explanatory paragraph has a very 19th C feel, but your readers will be 21st C children who may not yet have read any 19th C literature. Start with something that Shimoto or Mera are doing, instead. 
 
Be careful of changes of tense: Shimoto began to panic knowing that the villagers will soon be aware => "would" soon be aware. 
 
Watch the punctuation of dialogue: 
‘Mera, she said I have to get back to the village.  
this should be punctuated 
‘Mera,' she said, 'I have to get back to the village.'

Written by bluecity (334 comments posted) 11th April 2008
Hello Janine. I think Fellpony has written a good review. It's difficult writing for children, because you have to pitch your ideas, your language and what readers can expect to know at a particular age group. 
 
The idea of a child becoming friends with a tiger would seem to be appropriate for very small children. (I'm thinking of Judith Kerr's "The Tiger Who Came For Tea".) But your setting, in nineteenth century China, and the ideas they are passing around justifying hunting seem more appropriate for older children, or even adults. 
 
Are you writing this for girls or boys? Boys would appreciate the blood and guts element of how to kill a tiger, but the girls would be crying "Uugggh!" 
 
Also, as Fellpony says, watch punctuation. And tense. 
 
You did the right thing in putting this story up now, and getting someone else's take on it, but I think you need to think and let this develop in your head a little. I'll look forward to the edited version. (Please don't be discouraged.) 
 
Rosemary 

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