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By wlh
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12 April 2008 |
I have taken part 1 off the website for editing.
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Written by bluecity (311 comments posted) 13th April 2008 | There is some very good material in this. I'm thinking particularly of your descriptions of the pub-venue and the atmosphere in the town. Where I live, Friday and Saturday nights are how you describe, but Thursday relatively tame, although I do remember, years ago, all my students coming in with hangovers on Friday mornings because the local nightclub had a half-price night on Thursdays.
Especially apt was your explanation as to why people enjoyed death metal. My son described it as you say, but not as eloquently.
You have drawn a very complicated (and therefore interesting) character, insecure, lacking in confidence and gauche. I suspect the mc is you... but you may contradict me.
The incident with the girl being refused entry to the night-club was intriguing, especially as mc lost all his shyness to comiserate with her.
However, you do need to take a deep breath and prune this chapter drastically before you move on. It was muddled, very muddled. Did we really need to know what films your mc read and what he ate at the end of the chapter? And your opening didn't do justice to your chapter at all. It read like a prospectus for the venue. (For a pub scene well done, look at Vivaldi and All That Chapter 6 by Petmarj - although it's way down Extended section by now.)
I've no idea how this story is going to progress. Maybe just a glimmer of the main theme, what you are trying to say, would be great.
Hope I haven't been too critical. Generally, though, I find that the critical crits are the helpful ones. I do repeat what I said at the start - you've got a lot of good material here.
Rosemary
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Written by wlh (14 comments posted) 14th April 2008 | No worries, I like it when people say what they mean. Besides, you are not attacking it, you are using constructive criticism.
Yes, the main character is loosely based on me, but is not a clone of me. Somewhere in-between.
About the details at the end, well I guess we don't need to know that, but I thought that it would add to the story. If it makes no sense, I could remove it. After all, I am beginning to think that writing very very long stories does take up a lot of the reader's time, which makes them inefficient.
I do find it quite difficult to think of ideas for an altered opening. Have you any suggestions?
Would it be a good idea to give away the main theme at this stage? I'm concerned that it would spoil things for the reader.
Thanks for the review.
Will
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Written by wlh (14 comments posted) 14th April 2008 | | By the way, I am not trying to refer to Home Life of Our Own Dear Queen when I talk about long stories! |
Written by nsperfect71 (44 comments posted) 18th April 2008 | Hi Will,
I like your writing alot. You obviously have a talent for description.
That said, I agree with bluecity that you need to prune a bit here and there.
As to revealing the main theme early on as you suggest, I think it is an excellent idea. Give the reader a hint of where all this is leading then you can relax, carry on with describing the setting and the characters' dynamics, then pick up the story development later. I recommend taking a look at the opening of 'Wood Street' by Phil. I personally found it inspiring when I was dealing with the same problem.
Good luck
Nancy |
Written by wlh (14 comments posted) 18th April 2008 | | Pruning complete. Part of the main theme of the story has already been revealed, so I don't recognise any need to change things in that respect. |
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