"Put that down", Jonathan shouted. I placed his manual shredder down on his fold away table, which unfortunately was already folded away. It dropped to the ground. "Clumsy bitch!", he yelled until his eyes turned blue. I got the impression he was angry.
"Sorry", I whimpered, like a rodent. "It's boring isn't it?" I asked rhetorically.
"Well, as soon as the others get here we can go". Others? What others. Who else has been dragged into his sick, bitter, british world? I had my tablet bag clutched in my right hand. I was wearing my Christening gown, which was so tight I could see through time. I had really no idea what was going to happen. Honestly, I didn't. Really. Honest. All I knew is that the room seemed to have got a lot more slanty than I remember. All the cups and saucers placed themselves in a neat pile in the bottom corner of the lounge. They were quickly joined by all the furniture. And then the carpets and wallpaper. "Hmmmmm", I hummed. "That seems odd to me".
"Yes, that does happen... it's a bitch to rectify". Jonathan replied, with his blatant overuse of the word bitch.
"What causes it?", I enquired inquisitively.
"We've hit the bottom." I checked behind me. "No, not your bottom... the bottom of the sea. The tides gone far away".
I think he was trying to say that the tide had gone out. Where to, no-one was sure, but it certainly wasn't below us anymore. Suddenly there was a knock on the doorbell. I hummed again.
"They're here", Jonathan said as he got up from where he was squatting. He opened a cupboard above his head and pulled out a long pole, a whip, a whistle, an air-horn and a big foam finger. "Come on", he said, using his finger to beckon me. He waved that finger like no-one else ever could.
As we got to the door, there were at least 5 Asian looking people stood there. Chinese I guessed, but they may have been from not-China. They all had their heads hung lower than a snakes belly... and that's pretty low.
"COME", Jonathan spat. A large droplet of saliva hit one of the Chinese folk on the brow. He didn't seem to mind. There were three men and one women. The other I still have to decide on. I looked one of them in the eye. He just looked away. Then he looked back. Then he looked away again. Then I looked away. Then I'm not sure where he looked, because I wasn't looking at him. Then we both stopped looking at anyone.
"Got your bag?" he enquired in a slimy kind of fashion.
"Yeah", I sighed. I was so scared, not knowing what was going to happen. Worse of all, I felt a sneeze coming and I had no hanky. Could life get any worse?
"Come on then... we've got a date with a small, slippery creature with a tough outer shell".
'Oh no, not Tim Henman', I foolishly assumed. No... life was about to get much worse. I now knew who Jonathan reminded me of. As he raised his whip, blew his whistle and jabbed the Chinese people in the back with his foam finger, I realised he put me in mind of, yes, you've guessed it... a young Louise Walsh. Burrrr.