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With Her

By dylangrrl

09 November 2005

I remember everything

Cooling the back of your neck with a cheap

Brown paper towel folded over

And over

The beads of water trailing down

Down

Down under the collar of your

Shirt

The side of your face you

Half- lifted to my lips

Skin tasting like marlboro and freckles

Greed forcing you to part your lips

Part

Apart

My tongue brushing your teeth

Arms numb

Kness shaking what is this

What is this

Pushing you away as the door to the

Bathroom opens

Breaks the spell

Reviews

Written by pixyfire (6 comments posted) 9th November 2005

I love the sensations in this poem especially the line about skin tasting like marlboro and freckles, I actually cringed when I read it (which is good!) and implying that something could "taste like freckles" is very original and helps create more imagery. I only sort of don't like how it ends because the reader was never aware that this was happening in the bathroom from the beginning so it becomes a little confusing right there. I sense that you are trying to eliminate setting to focus on feeling which is okay so maybe just eliminate the part about the bathroom door opening and say "pushing you away as you stumble ...out... back (on the two different lines like you used previously) breaking the spell" The one other thing is the tense change jars a little on "half lifted to my lips" because it had all been present tense and changes to past tense there just for that one line. Hope this helps, good writing!

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