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daybreak came and shook us awake
bars of light across your bed
making prisoners of us, and having nowhere to go
we both agreed we couldn't stay here
so we dressed in silence, and we let our feet
take us where they would
and they did
and found for us a shady place
a bench made of stone and a river
all swollen and happy, gorging on winter's remains
we both agreed we could stay here awhile
so we sat in silence, and we let the April sun
make mosaics of us
through the leaves
when we grew restless and rose
all yammering hearts and clumsy hands
circling like carousels, colliding like bumper cars
we both agreed we had nothing to say
so we stood in silence, and we let our nascent love
make children of us
and it did |
Written by lauthiamkok (60 comments posted) 14th April 2008 | It's been a while since I last made a review on GW website bcos I havent read any good pieces from the writers here until I came across this one. It is symbolic and metaphorical and it encourages to write something here. I can see the spectacular imagery throughout the writing. Well done and thank you for showing us something woths reading.
Best wishes,
Lau :-) | Song for Silence
Written by Katanga (1552 comments posted) 14th April 2008 | | Love it - particularly the spectacular image of the sun making mosaics through the leaves - best image I've seen for ages! Not sure about the abrupt change to bumper cars, but oh well . . . overall - magnificent! X | Song for Silence
Written by Katanga (1552 comments posted) 14th April 2008 | I've just read it again and I have to say that your gentle, yet plainly and unpretentiously stated, imagery just grows and grows on me! It's getting late, but I've printed it off to show my friends . . . Hope you don't mind? Katanga X
PS Hope to see more of your writings soon . . . | Appreciated
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 14th April 2008 | I did not comment on the earlier poem about the constellation because i could not follow the final image , even though I liked the whole poem a lot.
I like this one better . The repetition of the words we both agreed makes an interesting impact and the mosaic image is very good indeed , as is the carousel and bumper car image.
I am not so keen on yammering though it is strong -- and the word nascent has overtones for me that spoil its effect , though it works in well with the last two lines -- which have a neat ambiguity.
Enjoyed .
patterjack |
Written by Josie (2851 comments posted) 15th April 2008 | | I also liked your poem, but I wasn't sure whether the words "nascent love" were right. I checked with the dictionary and it said: "beginning to develop" - but your poem made me think of people who had been together some time and felt secure in their love. Whatever - it was a beautifully written poem. Well done - really lovely. |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 15th April 2008 | Wow. Beautiful. I especially loved the imagery of "bars of light across your bed/making prisoners of us...", "...the April sun/make mosaics of us/through the leaves" and "make children of us". They seem to capture the essence of the poem for me.
Mia  | Responses and clarifications
Written by Merioneth (79 comments posted) 15th April 2008 | Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment on this piece!
Lau - I am very flattered that you think so highly of my poem. I must say, though, that in the shadow of many of the writers here I feel like quite the shrinking violet. True, not everything here is mind-blowingly amazing, but there are many writers here whose works are far, far better than mine. I am but a novice! Still, kind reviews like yours do help me gain the confidence to continue writing.
Katanga - Of course I don't mind, I'm glad you think the poem is worth the paper to print it on! The bumper cars simile does seem a bit out of place when left unexplained. I used the carousel/bumper cars phrase to try to convey the awkward physical dance new lovers sometimes find themselves engaged in. One goes in for a kiss and the other, a hug, and the kiss ends up planted on the top of a head or some other accidental target. Then one thinks "oh, we're going for a kiss now, I see", and the other thinks "well shit, we're going for a hug now, I see". So they end up an awkward tangle of misplaced gestures of affection, bumping into one another, restlessly and nervously circling round and round. The final bit about our new love making children of us, I felt, lent the carnival imagery some contextual relevence.
Patterjack - Yammering was certainly a choice of words that some might have a legitimate beef with. Perhaps others would have chosen a different word and it would have worked just as well, if not better. That's just the word I chose, and I'm not going to jump through hoops to defend it. What would be your suggestion?
Nascent, however, is entirely intentional. I will address both your and Josie's comments on the word and attempt to clarify the reason I used it.
This poem, unlike Song for a Lonesome Constellation, was a poetic recollection of an actual event. It occured in the throes of a flash-in-the-pan romance, beginning with a deep and immediate infatuation and ending just as abruptly. We were never actually an "official" couple at all, however the emotions were so strong that they were almost indistinguishable from the prelude to love. Thus "new love" seemed to me an appropriate description, and it made awkward and giddy children of us both. For the short while it lasted I think he was as deeply infatuated as I, but his infatuation quickly succumbed to reality and rationality, while mine blossomed like a hothouse rose. It's still there, but I keep it secret, and I suspect I always will.
Written as an homage to a bittersweet memory, some of the imagery and intent will likely remain opaque to the reader because it is a recollection of something deeply insular. I tried my best, through imagery, to let the reader come away with an inkling of the emotion embedded in this memory, rather than trying to explain it outright.
Mia - You've always got such kind words for my pieces. Thank you for identifying the imagery that resonated most with you. It is invaluable feedback for future writings. I will make it a point to read and review more of your work shortly.
~Merioneth |
Written by Phil (7013 comments posted) 15th April 2008 | I enjoyed this - its imagery and its movement. Despite your explanation - which I understand - 'nascent' still stands out and detracts from the piece - at least for me. Sorry, no suggestions though. Nevertheless, really liked the ending, the last two lines work particularly well.
Phil | Hmm
Written by Merioneth (79 comments posted) 15th April 2008 | Well now my curiousity is really piqued!
Phil, what is it about the word that you feel doesn't fit, and why and how do you feel it detracts from the piece? An open question to all who have found the word irksome.
I have gotten so much feedback on this poem, from both GW reviewers and my own circle of friends. It is interesting to me that almost every one of them have found issue with at least one word/phrase or another, and some of the same words/phrases that were cited as detractions by some were pointed out as strong points by others! Despite this, every review has been generally positive. I will not delude myself into thinking my status as one of the "new kids" here, and reluctance to hurt my feelings on the part of my real life friends, did not color the reviews in at least some small way.
I am enjoying the criticism very much because it is only through critical analysis of my work that I will improve as a writer. Please do not be afraid to hurt my feelings. Tell me what you don't like, and why!
~Merioneth | Nascent Love
Written by Katanga (1552 comments posted) 18th April 2008 | For what it's worth, I have no problem with the word 'nascent' - in fact I think it's an excellent choice. The second syllable has a link with the previous 'silence' plus the repeated 's' sound and gets the idea of love 'being born' and leading to a child-like rush of happiness.
Imagine if you had written 'our growing love' - how boring and cliched would that be!!
I think it's a wonderful poem - and thanks for explaining 'bumper cars'. Now I get it - very apt!
Cheers! |
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