Sooner or later, all reality shows will merge into one.
THE DINNER TIME TEAM - THE VIKING EPISODE
Scene 1: Opens with a windswept hillside. Tony Robinson, in bobble hat, tells us that we are on the site of a former Viking settlement. Cut to various crusty young people armed with toothbrushes, grovelling in the mud and digging up rusty brooches, mead cups etc. A young new agey guy with tatty blond dreadlocks, stripped to the waist, wanders past with a wheelbarrow, just for fun. Mick Aston, in Trench 1, bimbles on about middens.
Scene 2: From the wear patterns of quern stones, a few stray bones, and a smattering of pollen grains, some Open University numpty with an electron microscope works out what they ate here in 900 AD. And where they pooed.
Scene 3: Enter Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen and that geyser off Grand Designs, who build and decorate an authentic mead hall, all mortice and tenon jointed wood and fabulous banners and hangings and whatnot. Grand Designs Man is uncomfortable with the complexity of the project at first, as well as the limited time available to complete the build, but by the end, he grudgingly admits that Bowen has achieved a certain understated elegance. Both get covered with lime mortar made from cow shit, whereupon Mick Aston, in Trench 2, laughs until he cries.
Scene 4: Enter a Chef. For the Vikings it might be the Two Hairy Bikers, or if they are busy, get Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall. (For the Roman episode it would be Nigella Lawson. Mediaeval, Jamie Oliver and Anthony Worrall Thompson dressed as jesters with bells on hats etc.) Bikers kill and cook ancient breed of chicken (tough and bony) and make sorrel soup, mead, bere bannock or whatever in bastable over open fire. Small boy turns spit. Much business, as wolfhound steals chicken etc.
Scene 5: Trinny and Suzannah arrive and dress everyone in nettle linen trews with fabulous card woven edgings. Numpty (without electron microscope) gets very cross with them and makes them take all the horns off the helmets as they are not authentic.
Scene 6: Wassail! All our celebrities get blottoed on dodgy mead, and as the credits roll, Tony Robinson is gnawing on a chicken bone, the numpty historian is chasing two of the archaeologist / serving wenches round the hall to the accompaniment of Bowen blowing some kind of horn thingy. All viewers feel that they have had an insight into life in Viking times. Mick Aston is still shovelling dirt in Trench 3.
Ant and Dec arrive and we all text vote for our favourite Viking, who then leaves the jungle.
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Ha ha
Written by fellpony (1520 comments posted) 16th April 2008 | Everything gets more and more incestuous, doesn't it. Well spotted.
I'd have liked it to end: "Ant and Dec arrive and we all text vote for our favourite Viking, who -- is then allowed to slaughter them both."
PS - lime mortar is made with cow shit, not horse shit, it's not runny enough. And isn't bannock made from "bere" barley, rather than "bare" ...
I'm sounding like one of them OU numpties, I'll get me coat. |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (492 comments posted) 16th April 2008 | Thanks! I've corrected the species of poo, cowshit being an even more satisfying thought, and the bere bannock typo!
I like your ending too. A Viking funeral for Ant and Dec would round off the evening nicely. |
Written by coosh (822 comments posted) 16th April 2008 | Yes, as fellpony says, a good incestuous mix - even though I've never seen half these programmes. Scene 3 was nice, plus your reference at the end to the notion that all this is terribly educational for us. And I'd certainly watch anything that involves the murders of Ant & Dec, followed by the spin-off "Autopsy" series.
I did feel at times I needed a degree in excrement to get the full benefit but, as they say in the Bronx, "you got some good shit 'ere". (Who the bloody hell says "bimbles"? - mind you, I notice you do live in Boris Johnson territory).
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Written by Livinginanattic (454 comments posted) 16th April 2008 | Good fun and well observed.
I can just see them all pretending to enjoy the boney chicken and sorrel soup. The arrival of Ant and Dec at the end was a nice touch. | Coosh
Written by Veronica_Milvus (492 comments posted) 16th April 2008 | "bimbles"? - I originally wrote this for a friend of mine who does use that word, to mean, kind of, to potter around being aimless and airheaded.
Hopefully Boris will be moving to the Big City soon and will leave us simple country folk alone... |
Written by Phil (6435 comments posted) 19th April 2008 | Enjoyed this, Veronica. A good, broad poke at the lot of them. Bringing Ant and Dec in at the end was a really good idea. Good fun.
Phil |
Written by Brett (527 comments posted) 19th April 2008 | Very funny and brilliantly observed, I enjoyed this very much.
'Bowen blowing some kind of horny thing' was a lovely little bonus.
I'd go for the Hairy Bikers, because at least whatever they were cooking would get cooked!
I would liked to have heard a little more of Tony Robinson's irrepresible enthusiasim over things of no consequence: "Wow, a genuine ornate Viking toothpick. Incredible! Such intricate tooling..."
Yeah, Tony - or a twig.
Cheers | Great Pitch
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3174 comments posted) 27th April 2008 | I'm sure if you pitched this to some gushing Tristram at ITV it would get snapped up by his commissioning editor for Saturday night viewing. Actually I think it might be a bit too clever and high-brow for that slot.
I'm amazed at how you managed to pack all those awful programmes together in some semblance of order, and bringing in Ant and Dec was the [now obligatory] icing on the cake.
I think a career in light entertainment beckons.
jane |
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