Quicklinks:
Short S. | Poetry | Not News | Scripts | Comedy | Non-Fiction | SF | Crime | For Kids | Extended | Village
Great Writing - Home > Poetry > WHO WAS SHE
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1513 guests online and 2 members online
Poetry
print friendly version     
WHO WAS SHE
By meadowcroft1964
18 April 2008

I HAVE POSTED AGAIN WITH CORRECTIONS


Who was she

I look at her picture and who do I see
it's like looking in a mirror at a reflection of me
was she a lady or was she a tramp
was she my mother or was she my aunt
these are the questions spinning around  in my head 
why was I a secret she could not tell
now she's in heaven and all in the past
I hope she's at peace now finally at last

Reviews

Written by Phil (7014 comments posted) 18th April 2008
Sorry to hear about your loss. It's never easy to deal with the death of a parent - estranged or otherwise. There are a whole set of complex and often contradictory emotions. 
 
Difficult one to review as it is so personal - but as you've posted to share, I assume you want honest feedback.  
 
Some errors you may want to edit 
Line 2: Its to it's 
Line 7: She to she's 
Line 8: She to she's finely to finally 
Personally, I don't like to see 'I' written with a lower case i. Technically, it's wrong. However, many would-be poets seem to ignore grammar. 
 
The piece puts across your confusion and offers some resolution. The fourth line is unusual - is it there to rhyme, or because you were genuinely confused about the identity of your mother and aunt? It strikes me that you might be better abandoning rhyme for this, at east temporarily, until you record exactly what you feel/think, not what fits any scheme you might want to follow. Again, a personal reaction would be that you should avoid well trodden ideas like the last line. Every bereavement is unique - this makes it sound like anyone else's - and you do hint at unusual and therefore interesting circumstances within the text. 
 
Hope this helps. Remember - it's just one opinion. 
 
Phil
phil
Written by meadowcroft1964 (112 comments posted) 18th April 2008
thanks for keeping me right about spelling and grammar writing is a big deal for me quite a miracle in fact as i was the first generation in my family to be able to read never mine write. my reference to weather she was my mother or my aunt wasn't just because it rhymed its their to express my confusion with growing up knowing she was my mother even though because of the shame her family made her feel this fact was never openly acknowledged outsiders were told she was my aunt this being due to be raised by my grandmother along side my uncle and 5 cousins whose mother had died so there fore people were led to believe that i was their sister not their cousin, confused then try being me. I am aware my work is very personal may be to personal for some its my way of telling my story and dealing with my emotions its easier to do this among strangers. In reference to your comment on the last line l couldn't think of any other way to express my genuine hope that she truly found peace after having such a hard existence. I would be very interested in knowing weather OR not you found my work interesting reading even with the mistakes

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!
 Previous item   Next item
This site is copyright 2005 - 2007 Great Writing. Work submitted by members remains the copyright of the respective authors.
See our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.