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A Poignant Misunderstanding
By john
18 April 2008

A Poignant Misunderstanding

A cobbled road rested between red-brick terraced houses.  Dave saw Mr Flaherty staring at him.  He looked up to Flaherty for a couple of seconds, but then quickly bolted his eyes to the floor. 
Nevertheless, Flaherty shouted through the bedroom window, ‘You little pig, get away from here, and never come back again.’ 
When Flaherty finished speaking spit slobbered around his mouth, he wiped the spit onto his hand, and then flicked it down towards little Dave.
      The boy quickened his pace until arriving at number twenty four Rainham Road.  There was a sign on the door: Trespassers Will Be Prosecuted.  Dave breathed in slowly, and then knocked twice.
His Nan said, ‘Hold your horses, I shan’t be long.’
 ‘Okay I’ll wait.’
As soon as the door opened there was a smell of stale chip fat.  Nan stared at him.
She said, ‘Thirteen years old with ginger hair. You really should get it dyed.’
Dave nodded as they walked into the living room.  The dog was silent; Brandy’s tail did not wag but stood almost bolt upright.  It reminded Dave of a submarine’s periscope coming up from the ocean or, of a third eye, an evil third eye.  He looked at Brandy’s third eye, and he looked at his Nan simultaneously.  As Dave stared his Nan closed her left eye, whilst keeping her right eye wide open: glaring.  He could not help noticing that the black pupil in her eye was diminutive, smaller than he
had ever seen before.  But her hair was large; it stood up vertically, as if it contained all the stubbornness and anger of her fractured personality.  Her hands were almost permanently clenched.  She would scrape them down her old cotton dress.  Dave’s eyes retreated to the floor again, whereupon he saw his Nan’s tattered slippers embedded in dog faeces.  She unclenched her right hand, took some cake from a table and put it in her mouth.  Then his ears absorbed her deep Dublin dialect; a dialect partially muffled with cake. 
‘Stay here, but remember I can’t feed you because I’m going out with Flaherty soon.  Before I go I will be upstairs getting ready; see you later.’
      The boy sat down and sank his body into an enormous old sofa; this encouraged puffs of dust to envelope the area; making him cough and wheeze.  It was a stressful situation, so Dave kept squeezing and stroking his left hand around his right hand.  He looked up at a message on a big bevelled mirror, it stated: Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbour.
Dave stood up and observed his beautiful large brown seal like eyes in the mirror, whilst surveying his facial skin; smooth skin which framed luscious lips. 
He said to himself, ‘Oh my God, I’m ugly, I’m physically ugly.’
It was very windy outside, and grey clouds were rushing past the sky obstructing the remaining sunlight.  Dave looked at his action man sitting on a chair; he noticed that cloudy reflections were projecting onto the doll’s eyes; making the doll look pensive. As Nan walked back into the room an incredible flash of lightning seemed to frame around her bleach blond hair.  She screamed, and disappeared into a small open room underneath the hallway’s stairs.  Dave timidly
followed her.  What he saw surprised him.  She was sitting down on the floor with her arms around her legs; with her chin resting on her knees.
He bent down and said, ‘What’s wrong?  What’s wrong?  What’s wrong?
The shock continued because Nan bent on her knees and put Dave’s head to her  chest. 
She said, ‘I love you Daniel. You know that don’t you?’
He had never experienced love from her before, so for a moment he felt overwhelmingly good.  But suddenly the boy plunged into depression.  When he stood upright again tears surged around his eyes, and a long string of saliva stretched from his mouth to the floor. 
He said, ‘Daniel is my father’s name.  You don’t love me, you just feel confused by this lightning, confused because you’re a druggy, and confused because you’ve got Alzheimer’s disease.  That’s what Dad said.’
‘Oh I wanted to love you, but with twelve grandchildren, there just wasn’t enough love in me.  Sorry.’
    Dave walked away, sat on the sofa and fell asleep.  As he dreamt he could see thousands of light grey pins, surrounded by a black background, chasing one another at incredible speed.  The pins eventually formed the shape of Nan’s brain, and thereafter, disintegrated.  Dave smiled the most sadistic smile ever.


Reviews

Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 18th April 2008
This has a lot of moving imagery...but it is quite weak at places, you need to tighten the places. There is too much "tell"..places like "it was a stressful situation so he kept coughing and sneezing" etc. If you go through the piece again, i am sure you will be able to note these things yourself.  
 
Regards, 
TT

Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 18th April 2008
And always post your piece in the area that says, "My creative work", not in the author's introduction area. It makes it harder to read.  
 
Regards, 
TT

Written by john (2 comments posted) 22nd April 2008
Thanks fotr your advice TT because I appreciate an honest approach. I will post any more stories in the 'My Creative Work' area. 
Are there any more suggestuons from anyone? 
 
Regards,  
 
John.

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