And Somebody Spoke And I Went Into A Dream
The wind it shakes me from my dreams,
The sleeping cogs that twist and scheme
About all things good and bad it seems,
While not teaching me at all.
The sun shines as I make my way
Past innocence and towards my pay,
For the world to turn and leave I pray
Before I am forced to fall.
The day has come when I shall meet
The people that were meant to greet
Myself, as to the ground they beat
Any semblance of my soul.
Yet from hostile foes I’ll rise above
My mind re-healing, intact my love,
They ground me down but it’s not enough
I will answer my call.
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Written by Phil (7014 comments posted) 18th April 2008 |
I like the rhythms and rhymes in this, (got me thinking too) although I don't think think are quite as even as they could be. eg the very last line - could be the way I'm reading.
For me - and it may be different for others - the piece lacks clarity. Read a few times - different reactions each time.
Phil |
Written by Merioneth (79 comments posted) 18th April 2008 |
The first stanza, as I interpret it, resonates with me. One of my stories is about dreams, nightmares would be more accurate, and I've often wondered why my subconscious shows me painful images that I can learn nothing from.
I heard somewhere that unpleasant dreams are your mind's way of working out unresolved issues. What purpose, then, does a dream about something you can neither learn anything from nor come to any kind of catharsis about, have?
I may be misinterpreting your meaning here but nevertheless I was able to take something meaningful away from this poem.
~Merioneth |
Written by Fledermaus (3506 comments posted) 20th April 2008 |
| I agree with Phil. It does lack clarity. I thought the first stanzas were very nice, but then the message got lost a bit. The style and rhyme were very nice though. |
Hello!
Written by TurboWolffe (98 comments posted) 12th May 2008 |
Hi, mr_soul! i really loved your poem. I'm not very picky about how things are written unless it utterly disturbs me, and i think that you have thoroughly suceeded in getting my brain going. I think you should try short stories. I like doing it, and it doesn't have to be 20 or 30 pages. mine are usually 1-1/2. for me, you have a certain style that could created such pictures for people!
Damn good, and keep going!
-TW |
Written by mr_soul (126 comments posted) 17th May 2008 |
Thank you all for the comments!
Phil - yes the last line doesn't fit in as well as it could. Perhaps a bit of tweaking needed. I can see why you could get different reactions, it isn't the clearest of poems.
Merioneth - I'm glad it resonates with you, or at least the first stanza did. Yes, that was basically the meaning behind it though you seem more knowledgable on the subject than myself. Dreams are fascinating things. Perhaps I could take the first stanza and expand on it.
Fledermaus - the first stanza is actually my favourite, the poem could be made clearer I suppose, something that could be worked on. Definetely worth pursuining though I feel.
TurboWolffe - I'm glad you enjoyed it. That's what poetry's about I feel, to provoke thoughts, make you think. I see you've written some short stories, I haven't had the chance to read them but I will get round to. Short stories is something I've not tried to much, except once. I actually posted it on this site. I do like writing though, not just poetry. I'm currently writing a novel. I will try something though, perhaps I'll try something next week, see what you think of it.
Thanks for all the comments and encouragement. Much appreciated!
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