I've got game.

No two ways around it, I was born with a gift that no amount of schooling or mail-order pheromones can replicate. Despite being deeply grateful for the ludicrous amount of magnetism I've been blessed with, at times I feel a bit guilty about the uneven playing field my natural charm and charisma creates. Luckily for all you poor sexless sacks of fail, one of my myriad virtues happens to be that I am prodigiously magnanimous.

I climb at an indoor rock gym every week, and last night an attractive redhead caught my eye. I was delighted to learn that this comely coppertop would be joining my party for dinner at a local pub after climbing. Fortunately for you I was to be the only female in attendance. I've no problem dealing with competition, but I have my natural appeal working for me, and I'm afraid I can offer little advice on how to manuever around other predators stalking your chosen prey. You've either got it or you don't, and if you've read this far it's a safe bet that you don't. I have gone to the trouble of assembling several priceless nuggets of wisdom based on last night's encounter, laid out in bullet-point format for ease of comprehension. Told you I was magnanimous!

    *Avoid eye contact. Look absolutely anywhere but at the object of your affection. If you are at an establishment that caters to sports fans, fix your eyes on one of the multiple televisions showing various games of sport, even if you have previously divulged your complete lack of understanding of and utter disinterest in the game. If no televisions are available, stare at the back of a drunken stranger's head. If no drunken strangers are available, simply gaze absently into empty space. Remember to smile bemusedly while you do so, as though you are contemplating some in-joke the rest of your party is not privy to. This fosters an air of mystique.

    *Fidget constantly. Bees perform complicated dances to alert other bees to the location of pollen-laden flowers; human females can utilize the same tactic to alert males to the location of honey.

    *Be witty! For instance, my red-headed friend inquired if anyone enjoyed target-shooting, to which I smartly replied "it depends on the target, I  guess". This informed him that I am not only capable of brilliant verbal riposte, but also potentially mentally unstable. Guys really dig unbalanced chicks. Why else would a goodly majority of them say that all their exes are psychos?

    *Consume large quantities of food in front of them, especially if they have themselves ordered a salad or similarly health-conscious meal. I ordered a pizza and made sure to voraciously wolf down the entire thing. Waitresses can serve as unwitting wingmen by asking if you would like a box to take home the unfinished portion of your meal, giving you the opportunity to decline and draw attention to your impressive capacity for food-intake.

    *Flaunt your idiosyncracies. Peel all the cheese off your pizza before eating it. This works especially well if you've ordered a pizza with toppings.

    *Get drunk. Guinness is an excellent social lubricant, endowing you with the confidence to crack jokes that you would otherwise be too self-conscious to tell. Remember; alcohol has the power to make you incredibly clever.

    *Insult the pope.

I hope that I have helped you put some bounce in your proverbial play. The loftiest tier of the food chain is lamentably beyond your grasp, and for that you have my deepest condolences and utmost pity, but by putting my advice into action you might just succeed in getting yourself laid. Pick your targets wisely (I suggest going after the old and the sick), good luck and happy hunting!