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Poetry
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Transience
Written by fellpony
20 April 2008
Another crappy villanelle ....



Notes as smooth as water flowing
from a mountain to the sea
leave no trace to mark their going.

Autumn leaves in sunlight glowing
fall so sweetly, they might be
notes as smooth as water flowing.

Sunset silks at evening glowing,
beauties glorious to see
leave no trace to mark their going.

Wine-like song at evening slowing,
hidden blackbird ends with three
notes as smooth as water flowing.

Such things living, dying, growing
harsh discord or harmony,
leave no trace to mark their going.

And we humans, death foreknowing,
living yet in hope, dare we –
notes as smooth as water flowing –
leave no trace to mark our going?



Reviews

Written by Veronica_Milvus (769 comments posted) 20th April 2008
Another poem about death - but I will forgive you, Sue, because you blend those repeated lines in so seamlessly, that was very clever, and much to be admired. A beautiful, peaceful, feel to this one.

Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 20th April 2008
This is just so beautiful. So beautiful. And what a conclusion. (I had to look up what a villanelle was - then I realised how difficult it must be to write it.) Beautiful. I don't know what else to say. 
 
Mia :)

Written by Talisker (1336 comments posted) 20th April 2008
Not crappy at all, Sue! 
 
I'm a philistine about forms etc - but this is so soothing, with a rhythm for me similar to native American chanting. Hypnotic. 
 
Somehow reminded me of HWL's "Song of Hiawatha". 
 
Oli XXXX

Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 20th April 2008
The first two stanzas are very good. Some of the sentence inversions (if that's the right term) were a bit much for me...'living yet in hope, dare we', for example...seems a bit too twisted.

Written by fellpony (1752 comments posted) 20th April 2008
dare we ...  
leave no trace?
Gently Soothing!
Written by Katanga (1554 comments posted) 20th April 2008
Aaaaaah! Sue, there is something magnificently smoothly understated here, when the rest of us are trying, somewhat pathetically, to be so powerful.  
 
I love the linking between the lines - 'hidden blackbird ends with three / notes as smooth as water flowing' - truly shivery stuff! 
 
Hope you'll find time to look at my own feeble villanelle, which I've just posted. Love and respect . . . John X

Written by Phil (7014 comments posted) 20th April 2008
Reminded me (in its rhythms) of Poe's Raven. Would it be because the stress falls first, not second? Sorry, we've probably moved on from that. 
 
Soothing is a word used more than once already - and it fits well. Probably a good adjective to have attached to a piece about death. 
 
Second villanelle I've read today where the form adds to the words, not detracts - as I find is usually the case.  
 
Don't know why you thought it was crappy - I didn't. 
 
Liked very much. 
 
Phil
Phil
Written by fellpony (1752 comments posted) 20th April 2008
"Don't know why you thought it was crappy" - I am not fond of villanelles, so the adjective refers to the form 8) . This was just an exercise, and an old one at that, pulled from a copybook of mine that's positively ancient and tidied up a tiny bit.

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