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Breathless

In a vision
we pant frantically,
chaining our beauty together,
beneath a languid red sky,
with delirious moaning,
like a storm licking his lazy tongue
over a delicate white rose,
whispering his bare lust,
until the rain’s refrain plays her tune
and we lay,
breathless.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 20th April 2008

Like this - it has a pleasant cadence to it that suits the piece. Not sure about the 'delirious moaning.' For me, it introduces a slightly comic touch and I'm not sure that's what you were after.

It finishes well - leaving the reader, if not breathless, knowing he's been on a journey.

A good début. Might need a little more time to catch up with the rest!

Phil

Written by Orlock (7 comments posted) 20th April 2008

Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it.

I guess I was attempting to be sexy in the poem, but I'm not used to writing in this kind of style so I'm not sure how well it comes across. But you're right, I definitely wasn't trying to be comical.

The poem was written for a girlfriend at the time, and believe it or not, it was done with one of those magnetic poetry sets you can buy - you know the ones where you jumble all of the words up to make stanzas and stuff.

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 20th April 2008

Got the sex.

Like I say - I liked it - just those two words. They may not stike others as they struck me.

Never heard of a poetry kit. Might have to get myself one - so long as there are rude words in it!
Phi

Written by mia_ms_kim (1019 comments posted) 20th April 2008

I feel breathless - from the frantic pace! These must be a very young couple? Storm's passion relieved by gentle rain? Delirious moaning was ok for me, but his bare lust sounded funny. "His naked lust?" Or is that too corny? And why in a vision? This is not a reality but an ideal dreamed of? Anyway, I thought you delivered your intent well.

Mia

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