Let me just say this is not one of finest stories, but one written as a pleasure for me, not to show off to a bogus publisher.
This story is about a girl who has been suffering horrific beatings from her father and very little love and affection off her mother, who is slightly deranged. For weeks, this girl plans her escape, to the very smallest detail.
But the day comes , she discovers something horrendous about herself.
The beast within her soul
ENJOY! 
This was it. It was time.
I slipped out of bed. The scratchy material irritated my sensitive skin,and tip toed out on the brown, bare skeletan of floorboards. I watched as settled dust sparkled and glinted in the soft white moonlight, as though left by passing fairies. I glanced at my beautiful sleeping sister, as a hot tear slid down my cheek.
What had I done?
It was midnight. I hadn't meant to do it. It just happened.
I was downstairs, trying to find a suitable exit. I was trying to escape the Beast, or other wise known as my father.
I heard foosteps. My heart stopped. I began to sweat. What if it was the Beast? He'd beat me black and blue.
I heard the horrendously ominous CREAK! of a heavy man descending down ancient steps, smelt sour beer breath, felt the darkness of the soul about appear before me.....
It was him!
I searched despearatly for a place to hide, but he saw me. I grabbed anything, something.
I saw the brick.
I lunged for it, just as he was about land a punch on my face, and crashed it on to his skull.
I ran upstairs. tried to sleep, but I could feel the blood that smothered my hands. I gazed at my sleeping sister and stroked her soft hair as more tears slid down my cheeks.
What had I done?
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Written by Fledermaus (3221 comments posted) 22nd April 2008 | OK. This is intended to be constructive criticism, but it is criticism nonetheless 
The problem is probably the word-limit you imposed upon yourself. The plot is good, but the style looks rushed. In the first paragraph there are many adjectives. Those are a way to reduce the number of words used, but they also restrict a writer's creativity and usually it's a good idea not to use too many of them..
For the other part you used an original style, which may work very well once people get used to it, but the piece was simply too short for that.
It reads a bit as if you were so eager to tell your story that you didn't take the time to consider how to do it. The information in the introduction (about the girl's background) should be in the work instead.
So in summary: A good plot, but the way it is told looks as if a bit hurried...
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Written by fellpony (1569 comments posted) 23rd April 2008 | I agree with Fledermaus - if you wrote your backstory in the piece it would be much more effective than having to explain it in the intro. Take off the word limit and see what you can make of it. There are a lot of places where you could save words, if you really have to stick to the 100 word limit: "This was it. It was time" could reduce simply to "It was time." "I watched as settled dust sparkled" could be shortened to just "Settled dust sparkled" - since she must have seen it in order to describe it.
"The scratchy material irritated my sensitive skin,and tip toed out " implies that the material tiptoed out; "The scratchy material irritated my sensitive skin. I tiptoed out" would be clearer.
Working with very tight forms such as this is a very skilled business and takes endless polishing. |
Written by Phil (6628 comments posted) 23rd April 2008 | Do I have to state my sexuality - or even leanings - before I review, after, during or not at all? I've never read so much crap in an introduction as I've just read in yours. And, for the record, I'm not gay, have no gay inclinations, but really don't give a toss where you or anyone else thinks I put the old man. I do hope that's clear enough for you.
As for the piece. The concept, while not original, is a good one. As stated, the word limit limits the story. In my opinion, it would benefit from much expansion.
Dare I say that it also needs a thorough proof read? It may be secondary to content, but it is not unimportant. Some of your sentences do not quite make sense and there are a few spelling errors. I believe you've had a little help with that - but seem to think the advice too gay to consider? Unusual.
Phil | Explanation...
Written by Phil (6628 comments posted) 24th April 2008 | Introductions can be edited, reviews can not.
Just in case any one else reads this - I've not gone mad. There was a very ill considered paragraph in the introduction that my post refers to that has now been removed.
Phil |
Written by Canadian_Bacon (109 comments posted) 24th April 2008 | | No worries Phil, I saw it...I've been thinking about PMing you for a day or 2, but it's definitely coming your way now. |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 25th April 2008 |
Everybody seems to have overlooked the fact that the original version of this story posted in 100 word fiction is actually 192 words!
Here we have the HIGHLY EDITED version that is now 234 words; most people would class that as extended, NOT edited. Unless by ‘edited’ you mean ‘ready to publish’?
However, feeling merry and dressed gaily I have chosen to offer you my vast inexperience by rewriting your piece to exactly 100 words.
I would hasten to add that I am but an amateur and do not suggest that this is the best use of 100 words; it is purely a demonstration of how one 'might' construct a story using 100 words.
*
It was time. Dust sparkled in the moonlight as I slipped from my bed and tiptoed across the floorboards. Glancing at my sister, a tear slid down my cheek.
I hadn't meant to do it!
Midnight, I was downstairs trying to escape from the house and the beast I called father.
I heard footsteps, held my breath. He’d beat me black and blue if he saw me.
I reached out, grabbed the brick and crashed it down upon his skull.
I tried to sleep but his blood was on my hands. I hugged my sister, the only family I had.
Without prejudice,
Steve. |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 25th April 2008 | Ah!
Now there might be some people who consider it pretentious of me to have rewritten your story.
Well bugger me; I was only trying to help!!
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Written by Phil (6628 comments posted) 28th April 2008 | Jeez - we're back to Brad Pitt!
FTR - thought the 100 word version rather good.
Bugger me too.
Phil |
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