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Poetry


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Song

By lauthiamkok

22 April 2008

I am still wondering if I should say "Still round" or "Still around" in the last line.

"Still around" doesnt sound interesting but I am not sure if it makes sense just with "Still round" bcos I want to mean "complete" here as well. "round" like a cake or the moon means the memory is still intact and unchanged or undamaged.

let me know if you have a better idea many thanks. :-)

Everyday
I have to have
A piece of song
That reminds me
How the taste
Love is.

Once awhile
I have to try
To think of you
To remind me
How the taste
You were.

When the song rises
And there I know
Yes you are
Still round.

Reviews

Still round?
Written by Katanga (1554 comments posted) 21st April 2008

Hello Lauthiamkok!

To answer your question, your final two lines 'Yes you are still round' reads like 'Yes you are still overweight', which I don't think you intend! So 'around', I think, is better.

Other small points - in the first stanza I think you need to insert the word 'of', as in 'How the taste of love is'.

In the third stanza, I think you need 'Once in a while' instead of 'Once awhile' and 'To remind me of the taste you were', or 'To remind me of the taste you had', but not 'To remind me how the taste you were' which doesn't make sense.

Anyway, all the best! Cheers! John

Written by lauthiamkok (60 comments posted) 21st April 2008

Many thanks for the advice and corrections John. I appriciate and will do the change in my file in my desktop later. Thanks again!
Cheers, Lau

Hi
Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 21st April 2008

a simple but to me not very effective write but there again I do not know what you intended the piece to say.

first stanza,how the taste ofof would be better I think.

second stanza,how the taste
you were
does not make sense to me.

third stanza, around would be better.

Bernie

Written by punchy (535 comments posted) 22nd April 2008

I agree with Johns comments, I think around works much better. With those few adjustments it makes a nice simple write.

Written by Brett (1009 comments posted) 26th April 2008

Have to agree with John and Punchy; one or two little ammendments and we have a succinct piece of work.

Cheers

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