Probably full of terrible grammar. Feel free to comment on it.
She lay on an emerald blanket of grass looking at the sky. She wondered just how often she had done this and yet every time the portrait was different- but always beautiful. That evening, silk ribbons of cloud brushed across the watery blue canvas. The small hill overlooked the village of Willowfall. Her home. It got its name from the arches of willow trees standing over the Valin River sculling their branches in the sparkling water. It meandered close to the scatter of small houses- twelve in total. All were built from a now greying wood, all with roofs thatched by her father’s hands. He was off a market in the nearby village of Bloomsdale selling their only cow. Life had been especially difficult on him. His skin looked creased and worn; his pallor was rarely broken by a smile. So, she lay looking at the sky that evening. The washing on the lines floated gently in the breeze, the chorus of birds singing out over the noise of the bustling villagers. Just a normal day. They went about their usual business: gathering firewood; sweeping floors; pushing rickety carts of hay along the dirt road and babbling to neighbours. Just a normal day for them but not for her. That was the day the stranger arrived.
After a while, she hauled herself up. There were dishes to clean and floors to be swept and this to do and that to do… She had a last glance up at the magnificent sun robed in gold and brass. There was only the bleak glow of the fireplace waiting for her inside. Walking home slowly, she still knew there was no way of avoiding it.
The rusty latch was undone and the door swayed open in the wind. Cautiously, she entered. Something wasn’t right. Each footstep stabbed into the unnatural silence. She glanced around. Nothing. Not even a sickly ember was left in the fireplace. Suddenly, there was movement. She thought it was a man but all of his features were hidden beneath the shadows. She wanted to scream and run and yet she couldn’t; her feet stuck to the ground adamantly.
“What are you doing in my house?”
“The door was unlocked. You should be more careful or one day you might come back to some unwanted company.” His voice carried so peacefully yet had a certain mysteriousness about it.
“And you. Aren’t you unwanted company?” She said accusingly.
He laughed softly. “Just passing by.”
“Passing by?” She wasn’t sure whether to believe him or not. After all, he was intruding.
“Yes, passing by. We should really be going.”
“What!” Were there more people in her house? Hastily, she glanced around but it was too dark tell.
“It is a bit dim, right enough.”
He then lifted a hand and the fire roared up. His eyes sparkled blue in the light. They were both soothing and as mysterious as his voice.
“But what…how did…you’re not a sor-?” A shriek of pain cut her off.
Then there were crashes, thundering, bangs, frenzied footsteps, screams…
“We must go now. It’s the Haar.” He shouted.
“What?” Her legs shook violently, she could scarcely breathe. “What was happening?” He took her hand and rushed out of the door. She glanced back just in time to see purple streaks of lightning tear through her home apart. It shot from a daunting black cloud engulfing the village. There were more cries and more destruction. One man tried to fight through the merciless flames as they swarmed over his house. His family were probably trapped inside.
They went north along the uneven dirt road managing to outrun the Haar. The village of Bloomsdale was unaware. The market stalls were still bustling with haggling buyers and sellers yelling out offering the lowest prices. She couldn’t steady her breathing and her entire frame was trembling.
“Will it come here?” She asked weakly.
“Yes, I’m afraid.”
“But we can warn them. They would have time to get away.”
He stopped and turned to face her.
“I know this will be difficult to accept, but we can’t. Regrettably, it has to happen.” His eyes glinted with reassurance.
“Why? My fath-” She trailed away.
“I can’t explain now. Just trust me.”
“How can I?” The tears rolled down her face. “I don’t know you. You’re a stranger. Why save me? I should just die horrifically like the rest of my village and this one!”
“Please…Melrose.” He whispered calmly.
Melrose gave in reluctantly. She felt selfish. She felt disgusted at herself. She looked around for my father one last time. She felt like she was abandoning him. She hadn’t even said goodbye. As they walked on, Melrose felt at a distance from the surroundings. She could no longer hear the buzzing of the market but the deep eerie silence standing in its place. The people brushing past her, arguing with sellers and nattering to friends were all living ghosts and silhouettes. And he was amongst them.
* * *
Once they had climbed the valley, the sun was beginning to set. Melrose glanced down at Willowfall but had to turn away. It wasn’t her home now and never would be again. The Haar has gone leaving behind only desolate remains.
“We can rest a moment.” He said pulling down his hood.
She looked at him properly for the first time. His long cloak was pearlescent velvet with white curled symbols stitched round the hems. It matched his eyes now sparkling in the light. His straight white hair reached beyond his shoulders and part of the way down his slender frame. His face was quite narrow and wolf-like but nevertheless, attractive.
“Thanks.” Melrose whispered.
She sat down on the grass, sniffing and wiping her face on her sleeve.
“Here.”
A white handkerchief glided from his hand like a dove and settled in her lap. A silver letter L was sewn in the corner. After some time they walked on.
Rivers of cherry blossom swept down the other side of the hill to the edge of the Kingfisher Loch. The water was met by hills except to the far west where they parted forming a narrow passage. The first unfamiliar place. Melrose had a horrible feeling there would be many more. As an inky darkness stained across the sky, they set up camp amidst the trees. She wandered down to the loch just to keep herself occupied; there was little chance of her getting much sleep. The water shimmered like silk in the moonlight as dragonflies skimmed across the surface. Melrose tried not to reflect on the day but it was hopeless. The screams echoed round her mind and when she closed her eyes she could only see the faces of the villagers.
Suddenly, a hoarse shriek retched out. Melrose saw a reflection in the water. It was close- just over her left shoulder. She leapt up and turned. Her stomach lurched; she screamed uncontrollably. Black tattered robes hung over its emaciated frame: decaying flesh clung to the charcoal-like bones; tangled hair drooped from its skull like weeds and jagged teeth protruded from its jawbone. In brief, it was repulsive. Melrose started to run but it clenched her shoulders with its crooked fingers. She fell down. She struggled and kicked and hit and…Crunch! She got its jaw causing the neck to twist and break. The skull flew off and splashed into the loch. Then Melrose ran. Her heart felt as though it would break through her chest but she ran and ran even more frenziedly.
“At the…loch…big scary…th-thing.” Breathlessly, she tried to explain.
“Sure?” He asked perfectly calmly.
She nodded vigorously.
“Take this and hide.”
He flung Melrose his pearlescent cloak. She threw it over her head and crouched at the roots of a tree. Before he could find the creature it found him. It landed with two ragged insect-like wings spread out. It shrieked again deafeningly. Her vision started to blacken. There was crash, a wail. “What was happening?” She felt so powerless and weak. Time passed but she didn’t know how long.
“Are you feeling ok?”
Melrose’s eyes focused and she could see him looking at her with concern. He helped her up and she gave him his cloak. To her astonishment, it looked earthy but soon the pearly colour swirled back across it. She nervously glanced around for the creature. Fortunately, all that was left was a smouldering pile of rags.
“What was that?”
“A Cursed One.” He replied as he put his cloak back on.
“What?”
“Long story. They were spirit guardians but committed many betrayals. Don’t concern yourself with that now. We need to move on. They never hunt alone.”
“There’s more?” Melrose stammered in disbelief.
“Yes. And they won’t be headless. Did you have something to do-”
“This is ridiculous! Tonight I’ve seen my village being destroyed, I’ve lost my family and I’m about to be hunted by skeletal…things! You should have left me alone!” She had never yelled like that before but she was so infuriated and anxious- and terrified.
“No complaints. Can you run?”
They ran silently brushing the edge of the loch and reached the narrow passage safely. But that’s when it began. Three creatures landed in front of them; three behind. They were surrounded. They were trapped.
“I’m Luth by the way. It was a pleasure making your acquaintance Melrose Willowfall, daughter of May.” Luth said as calmly as before.
He unsheathed his sword and handed it to her. Melrose stared at him fearfully. “What was she supposed to do?” She had never wielded one before. No one had had any use for weapons in her village. Melrose tried to steady the weighty sword in her shaking her hands. The four Cursed Ones stalked towards her. Luth fired a torrent of pale blue flames and incinerated the arms of one. They relentlessly marched on. Her hands trembled even more and she gripped the sword tighter. Suddenly, one lunged at her and she recoiled. Then, erratically, Melrose swung and swiped and stabbed at the creature. Its bones splintered and clattered to the ground… but she was too late. Its jagged teeth had sunk into her upper left arm and a black fluid coursed up her veins. Melrose knew it was bad but there was nothing she could do. She looked over to Luth but he was too occupied with Cursed Ones. Nothing. Melrose heard something move behind her. Her heart quickened and she spun round. It was right there -an inch from her face. A cold shiver ran through her and she froze in that endless moment. Horrified, Melrose watched as the Cursed One opened its wide jaws and shrieked. Her vision started to blacken and her ears were screaming and screaming for it to end. She swiped blindly and frantically at the creature but with a one claw, it knocked the sword away. She edged backwards. Her legs were weakening: her chest felt like it was splitting and she could scarcely breathe. Luth ran over. His sword flew to his hand and he struck the creature down with one blow through its spine. Her caught Melrose just as she collapsed. “You’ve been bitten.”
She barely heard him. She couldn’t see him. She couldn’t feel anything… only the sense of foreboding.
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Written by bluecity (377 comments posted) 25th April 2008 | Well, first of all, I must say that my cat is my idol too. She's climbing over the keyboard right now! This is not my genre, so I'm not going to say too much. A lot of people are into fantasy (Harry Potter, Terry Pratchett etc), though, so you may well have a hit here. I think your paragraphs are too long. It makes reading quite tough-going. Also, if you are going to use the indented style, you need to indent a little more at the beginning of each paragraph. You can do this very easily in Word, by highlighting everything, clicking on to Format - Paragraph - Special - First Line. Then you can adjust the indent to about 2cm (which looks about right). (Sorry if you already know this, but I used to teach word processing.) Your beginning worries me, the "emerald blanket of grass" and "arches of willow trees" - a little bit too purple-patch, for a story full of action, I think. Luth is your strongest character, quite a mystery, and Melrose's role is clearly one of narrator and stooge. You describe the action very vividly and maintain a great sense of excitement. But, as I said, not my genre, so I shall probably put my foot in it if I say anything else. Is your cat enjoying your story? Rosemary
| Written by MyCatIsMyIdol (3 comments posted) 26th April 2008 | Thanks for the advice. I thought my paragrahs were maybe a little long. My beginning's like that to create contrast but I can agree that it's probably too purple patch. I'm pleased you found it dramatic. I find it quite hard to do. Lol Suzi is a bit more interested in lounging around in the conservatory and decimating the starling population of Scotland. Thanks again. I do appreciate your feedback. Catriona |
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