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Poetry


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Persephone rises from the earth

By PuppyWuppy

24 April 2008

I wrote this poem on a beautiful Spring day. The sun was shining, kids were playing on the green in front of my house, the blossom was blooming... it was wonderful. I have a huge love of greek myths too, and I was remembering one about a greek goddess called Persephone being locked up in the core of the earth so the plants died, the sun stopped shining; everything came to a close.

But then, Persephone was released and allowed to make spring come again.Poetry isn't usually my thing, but I was in a lyrical mood. I hope you like the poem!

As bluebells swarm notoriously across mystical meadows
And blackbird fledglings chirp heartily in hedgrows
The world begins an eventful rebirth
As Persephone rises from the earth.

As the blackberry bush finally begins to blossom
And the squirrels scatter about similarly like possums
The world begins a glorious rebirth
As Persephone rises from the earth.

As the bumble bee rises lazily from his birthplace
And the daffodils grow faster every year in haste
The world begins a mesmerising rebirth
As Persephone rises from the earth.

As snowbells gracefully move in dainty motion
And the grass waves about, like emerald seas under potion
The world begins a final, yet miracolous rebirth
As slowly, but eventually, Persephone rises from the earth

Reviews

Ah, Mother Nature!
Written by Mr_E_Writer (187 comments posted) 24th April 2008

PW.

Although I feel that a few lines contain one too many words, I quite like this. The mistress of the underworld bringing forth new life!
I read your other piece - ‘The Beast’ - and I have to say that it’s almost like you have two distinctly different voices. This is very readable and apart from ‘miraculous’ is very well written, while beast contains far too many ‘obvious’ flaws. My advice to you would be, more of this and less of that.

Eric. W.

Written by Phil (6681 comments posted) 24th April 2008

Hm. To take but one tack, I have a problem with specific words and phrases. Examples:
Why are bluebells notorious?
Why finally for the blackberry? Why have we been waiting for it?
Scatter about similarly? Can't think what this means.
etc

Don't mean to sound negative, but in a compressed form such as poetry, every word counts. Confusion and linguistic inaccuracy does not add to the quality of verse.

Perhaps a consideration of audience, and exactly what you want them to think/feel should be uppermost in your mind when you write.

It's a classic theme for a poem, rebirth etc. Well worth the effort - but still a germ of an idea that needs developing first and then polishing.

Phil

I agree . . .
Written by Katanga (1179 comments posted) 24th April 2008

I agree X 2
Written by Katanga (1179 comments posted) 24th April 2008

Whoops - pressed the wrong button. . . .

I think there's an odd mixture of poetic strength and weakness here. I agree with, so won't repeat most of the above comments.

However, I really like you technique of repeating the final line 'As Persephone rises from the earth.' and delaying it in your final stanza. (shame you had a typo in your title 'Persophone' - happens to us all!)

I also like the variation of your adjectives describing 'rebirth' - eventful, glorious, mesmerising and miraculous.

But I agree with Phil - why do bluebells 'swarm notoriously'? With a bit of reworking, I think this could be a good poem. Over to you . . . John X

Written by mia_ms_kim (993 comments posted) 24th April 2008

I liked this poem. I thought it was evocative and visual. I wondered if it would be stronger if the adverbs were taken out. My opinion is that all the lines read better without them. My real problem (which is totally my own and not the poem's) is that I tend to associate Greek goddesses as dark malevolent beings. (I've read too many fantasy novels

), so the last line of each stanza kept spooking me instead of giving me the glowing sense of wonder. But it worked for me, as if the creation was awakening, happily unaware of the doom that was arising with them... I'm sure that wasn't what you intended. :grin

But enjoyed.

Mia

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