Nut’s is a fine example of the weekly ‘lad mag.’ There is very little in the way of editorial and certainly no ‘articles.’ Nothing in fact to distract the attention from a plethora of semi-naked ladies, football and laddish humour except perhaps the occasional feature on fashion. 

They even put a TV schedule at the back of the magazine and highlight all the programmes featuring boobs on the telly that week.

It was near the front of the magazine, before the pictures of startling and gruesome injuries sent in by readers but after the so-called news round up (film releases and long lens shots of Girls Aloud on holiday) when I had a bit of a shock.

I shudder to think of it now but there it was, a full-page advert, slap bang in the middle of a section devoted to scantily clad young women.  A distinctly unwanted interruption and boy did it stand out.

You have to give the advertisers credit for placement; it certainly got my attention but, come on, a full-page advert for ‘no7 Men.’  I’d expect it in Men’s Health magazine, GQ or similarly highbrow periodical.  They have properly written articles by actual journalists and no football.  You just don’t expect it in the weeklies, especially not Nuts.

Anyway I’m wondering what’s happening to the world when a cosmetics giant like no7 is making a range of products for men. I mean, no7, even I’ve heard of them and I don’t really ‘do’ treatments.  They’re a big company so there must be a market to break into or they wouldn’t risk the exposure (even if they are basically selling the women’s range re-packaged.) 

What’s worse I’ve since noticed they’re not the only ones; both Nivea and Lynx are selling what I can only class as beauty products.  It’s disgusting to think I actually use Lynx deodorant and shower gel; from now on I shall boycott all products! 

I will start making my own soap in the kitchen sink from coconut oil, tea tree oil and lye with goldenseal and lavender for fragrance.

Right where was I, oh yes Men’s cosmetics the very idea is insulting, what do you think the beard is for and I for one am proud of my wrinkles (so far at least.)  If you have a real problem with your skin use E45 cream and that only occasionally, we are men after all.

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What’s happening to men is a question that must be asked.  In the nineties if you remember, it was all getting in touch with your feminine side.  Now we have the Himbo, cosmetic ranges and booster pants (something I saw in a Sunday magazine and is like the man version of the wonder bra.)

Where will it end with men going under the knife to get the perfect six-pack, botox injections to pep things up a bit or men wearing makeup in public, the mind boggles.

What’s the force driving this unmanly outbreak?  Is it male jealousy about all the cool anti-wrinkle/ageing/sagging creams that women have perhaps we just want some pampering.  Maybe, just maybe, it’s a covert attempt by paramilitary homosexuals to turn us all bi-curious using a secret gay formula hidden in the moisturiser?

Or is it, as I suspect, that certain marketing departments have noticed rather a large gap in their sales figures opposite the section relating to women’s cosmetics.

I don’t like to imagine the brainstorming session held to target men.  The tactics devised to target vulnerable groups such as the young, the mentally unstable and the vain.

Do we want to go down the same road women have been driven and now drive themselves?  We know where it leads to, the spending of hundreds if not thousands of pounds a year on nails, hair and face to get a ‘look’ seen in Cosmo. The eating disorders and illness, mental and physical, caused by fad diets.  The cases of bankruptcy because they just had to have that bag or those shoes or whatever. 

I’m told it’s about looking good, not for men of course, but to feel confident and sexy in themselves and this is what the future holds for us.

So is that it then, is our card marked and our destiny to become self-obsessed fashion victims.

No more weekend camping trips in a muddy field with just a stream for running water.

No more overnight fishing trips in mid February with eight cans of special brew no hat and no bait. 

No more cards nights going no till six the next morning and ending in a drunken brawl.

Or do we make a stand and keep our stubble and bad dress sense, our farting in public and complete amnesia regarding dates and times.

The battle lines are drawn and they are male cosmetics!

You are warned!