 I chose to write this story because think we all have fallen in love with someone we know we shouldn't.
This is story about a freed black slave called Nina Ebsuwu, who has chosen to stay at the sugar plantation house. She has never met The Heathertons elusive son, Victor, till today, for he is forever on in travels. The events that follow change her life forever.
This story is part of a novel which I wish to write, but am still researching.
I was not sure what had come over me.It was if the Earth's many problems and and conflicts and dwindling virtues had all become irrevelant and minute in a second.
I gazed at Victor for a while, taking in his pale face and soft, yet masculine features. My heart swelled with blood and beated speedily in excitement. I stared at his rosebud mouth and soft blonde hair.He gazed back.
But it was then that I remembered who I was, where I was and what I was doing. My occupation was as a servant of the lowest rank and I had could not indulge in such luxuries, even including love.
I could feel baleful eyes bouring into my back, dark with hatred. I whipped round and saw Herself, her face twisted with a look somewhere caught between disgust and scorn.Or something uglier.
"Victor!" she shouted, crushing the atmosphere with her awfully high voice.
Victor ignore her, completely oblivious to his mothers cries of fury. I was less than oblivious, you could say.
"VICTOR!" she yelled, becoming ever more agitated, her mousey squeak now a roaring bellow.
Victor jumped.He shook his head, as though ashamed of the past episode. He forced a synthetic smile and trilled disgustingly sweetly,"Mother!Father! What pleasantries you have gained since my last visit!" he gave an almost imperceptible wink. I stifled an embarrased giggle.
"Indeed!" replied Master, taking his son hand in a fiearcsom handshake."Lets waste time with idle chatter. Come, Victor. Your mother and I are eager to hear of your many travels and expeditions!" and with that the little family disappeared into the menacing mouth of Heatherton Heights.
The maids and I loitered out side the house for a while and spoke of the events that had occured. All were curious to know of my relationship status with Victor.
"Think nothing of it!" I snapped furiously, "Our relationship is merely proffesional!"
But I knew, that in my hearts my hearts, I was lying. I was lying the most dreadful lie that was going to curdle and rot inside me unless I allowed myself to give in to my heart.
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Sorry, but ...
Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 24th April 2008 | It needs proof reading for typos and grammar, for a start. I didn't understand some of it, eg, "What pleasantries you have gained"???
Period detail is a bit confused, isn't it? Hansoms were cabs, not carriages (they had 2 wheels not 4.) And, if this is a sugar plantation, there probably weren't any hansoms since (a) they were a UK vehicle and (b) mostly used in towns.
I didn't feel convinced by the girl's emotions or her place in the household. Would have liked to know why she was even within sight of the FRONT door when Victor arrived. Again, you've put backstory into the intro when it should be in the piece itself.
It's a start, not a complete tale; it needs a good deal of work, starting with research into period. |
Written by PuppyWuppy (29 comments posted) 24th April 2008 | | It's the language of the time. it means, what nice things you have got since my last visit | even if it does
Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 24th April 2008 | | - and I don't believe that for one minute - how can Victor see them from outside the house? | Hmmm
Written by Emmuttmax (171 comments posted) 24th April 2008 | While this may be the start of a Gothic romance novel, the writing is a Gothic horror. There are way too many problems with grammar and a slew of typos.
The following sentence stands out as perhaps the worst.
"He forced a synthetic smile and trilled disgustingly sweetly, ...."
I'm sorry, but the poor quality of the writing put me off the story. Perhaps you should proofread out loud. |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 24th April 2008 | Okay - you've chosen a theme, a time, a place and a genre to write a novel. Very positive. Most of do not get beyond short doodlings. Fellpony is quite right - you need to do a large dollop of research to make this sound believable. If you have an interest in the period and subject - that shouldn't be so difficult. At the moment, this doesn't come across as authentic, rather as someone trying to be authentic. More research on facts and linguistic patterns and habits would help.
You do have a problem with spelling and grammar. Spelling, I suppose, is the least important of the two, but still a key skill. Using a spell checker would be a start, an acknowledgement (to yourself) of this weakness would be a huge step forward. Recognising a weakness and acting on it will only increase your skills as a writer. Grammar is a little more important as it has greater impact on meaning. If you are serious about writing, you should be serious about mastering the conventions of our language. There are loads of self help books and web sites you can use to learn how words fit together.
Until you get a stronger grip on the basics, your writing while it may hold a level of interest - will always be limited. This is where a more unkind respondent would say you should have paid more attention to a certain reviewer who offered a full and frank proof of a previous piece.
Seems like I'm giving you a hard time. Perhaps I am - but it's offered as a honest response to what I've read, here and on your other posts. We're all here to learn and improve, me included. The advice we get is freely given and can be cast aside or taken on board as we see fit. Think about the balance and flavour of all your reviews.
Phil |
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