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Poetry
Falling
By x-Dreams-In-Crimson-x
19 November 2005

Basically, this poem is about how it feels when you're with someone, and it feels too good to be true. No one wants that kind of moment to end. I'm sure some of you will know what I mean.


Sit over here,
Let's pick at the scabs,
From the time our wounds wouldn't heal.
Look in my eyes,
Does my hurt still remain,
From the time we both realized,
We're falling away from,
Falling so far from,
Sanity?

Lie here with me,
Take hold of my hand,
Like you did when I felt so lost.
Does the ache still remain,
From the time we both realized,
We're falling away from,
Falling so far from,
Reality?

Can you feel the drop?
This is how we stumble,
Crawl,
Into the arms of a nightmare,
Hold on to me tight,
Don't want my dream to end.

I'll remind myself,
Never to wake up,
When you disappear.

Reviews

Written by jean.day (2253 comments posted) 19th November 2005
I like your imagery and choice of words. I really enjoyed reading this. Well done and welcome to the site.

Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 22nd November 2005
It's difficult to offer constructive criticism to a piece that's so personal; there's always a risk that suggestions, no matter how well intentioned, could dumb down the nuances of what the poet is trying to express. In that spirit, please take the following comments as stuff which might make sense for an external reader; but if it seems to get in the way of what the poem means to you, don't worry about them! 
 
I wasn't quite sure about the middle of verse 1. "Does my hurt still remain?" suggests there's a past hurt here (maybe from a previous relationship), but then you say that the hurt is "from the time we both realised we're falling", which is clearly about the start of the current relationship. It seemed like a shift of focus and for me that was a bit confusing. 
 
In verse 2, "when I felt so lost" feels over-stated. The "so" is unnecessary. I felt you could be more direct here, i.e. from "feeling" to "being": "take hold of my hand like you did when I was lost" might be somewhat stronger, it would also allow you (and the reader) to play with the imagery of being lost and found, rather than simply trying to empathise with what you say you feel. 
 
Verses 3 and 4 are excellent though, with the bleak twist at the end being especially poignant. Very good!

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