The form (for anyone who cares) is based on Englyn unodl crwc (crooked one rhyme englyn) syllablically 7, 7, 10 and 6. The end of the first, second and fourth lines rhyming and either the seventh, eighth, or ninth syllable of the third line rhyming. I have tried to alternate this in each stanza 7th syllable of 3rd line in the first stanza,
8th in the second, 9th in the third, then repeating for the remaining three stanzas. Anyone still awake after this intro is welcome to criticise me on the amount of whisky I have drunk before penning it.
Cheers.
The horse hooves clatter behind.
I cease my walk, turn, and find
An empty road and unkind joker's ploy;
Hooves echo in my mind.
Content that nothing is there
I walk on without a care,
A foolish cynic unaware of hooves
Now repeating. The mares
In the fields become distressed.
Striding at my own behest,
Upon my neck I can feel the breath and
Steam signaling no rest.
I can hear each horseshoe clack,
Feel its spittle down my back,
I would turn round but for lack of courage.
Though, what's not can't attack;
Emboldened by this brave thought
I halt my steps: there is naught
For man to fear being caught by naught. I laughed.
Behind my ear a snort;
Contemptuous. The disdain
Still echoed in what remained
Of night. The stallion, a hurricane, rode
(unchallenged) his domain.
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Gosh!
Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 26th April 2008 | If whisky does this for you Brett, I might crack open a bottle myself, but I fear the results would have me kicked off GW!
I've just about figured out what you're on about in the introduction, and find it faultlessly followed through in the poem.
And what a poem! One can really hear and feel the horses, but of course not see them.
Very impressed! On a lighter note, it's nothing to do with 'fellpony' is it?
Cheers! Hope the hangover isn't too bad! John   |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (637 comments posted) 26th April 2008 | Spooky! I did not even attempt to follow the verse form but the atmosphare created was good. You'll be guest lecturing on "The Englyn" at University of Wales before long.
Incidentally is the name "Englyn" anything to do with the perfidious English?
Fell Ponies indeed! | Morning, John
Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 26th April 2008 | Thankfully I don't suffer with hangovers (well I've only had two over the last twenty years or so). Definitely nothing to do with Sue, but thankyou for your knid comments.
V - good morrow. Thank you, always appreciated. I am unaware of the origins of the word 'englyn' but it does not refer to your perfidious mob, or it would contain 'saes.'
Cheers | fearsome
Written by fellpony (1616 comments posted) 27th April 2008 | I don't care whether the stallion is real or meteorological; this has something of de la Mare's spookiness in it (pardon the pun of the name there!)
Two phrases did strike me as a little odd:
... if for lack of courage.
... but I lack the courage ?
Enlightened by ...
Emboldened by ... ?
Same syllabic pattern, I think.
Mind you, I hope it wasn't a real stallion snorting down your neck but only one conjured by the water of life. |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (637 comments posted) 27th April 2008 | Ah, the "Sassenachs" - I guess they are cognate with the "Saxons" who did so much damage to the Vale of Clywd, and by implication, to Alice.
I am, by blood, more of a Scot, and a Viking, than a Saxon, I think. That could be worse! |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 27th April 2008 | Despite the rather complex intro, the form is fairly easy to distinguish. Very hard to pull off though, I expect. That repititious rhyme of four per stanza could easily fall into unintentional humour.
You cleverly allude to this in stanza 5, (with an additional unrequired rhyme?):
'there is naught
For man to fear being caught by naught. I laughed.'
The line: 'Though, what's there to attack?', sounds a little awkward to my ears.
Also, I find this line difficult to follow: 'A foolish cynic unaware the sound now repeating'. I pause after unaware as if there's a comma there.
The hooves- a hurricane, the spittle - rain?
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Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 27th April 2008 | Thanks Sue. I think you are right with emboldened rather than enlightened, I shall change that. I think one or two other lines may need a little polish.
Nathan, thanks, yes I will come back to these lines and improve them if I can. This is what happens whilst writing under the single malt muse.
Cheers |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 27th April 2008 | Liked this, Brett. Creates atmosphere well.
Regarding the form - and I'll say up front - I'm probably slightly retarded as far as poetic form goes.
If you shifted the final two syllables from the third lie to the start of the last to make 7, 7, 8, 8 with a straight forward ,a,a,a,a rhyme scheme - would it make much difference? It may be a stupid question. If so, feel free to inform me of my idiocy.
Phil |
Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 27th April 2008 | Phil - Thanks, always appreciate your comments (but when a man openly confesses to being retarded, how can they not be appreciated). I see your point in changing the syllablic structure, but for me there in lies the challenge. There are plenty of forms to suit comfortable writing, heroic verse for example (abab,cdcd,efef and so on) but I enjoy these little challenges - it's a bit like playing chess, always thinking a few moves ahead - but in saying that I'm not particularly good at chess when I'm pissed either.
Cheers, Phil |
Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 27th April 2008 | Phil, minor mistake on my part regarding Heroic verse, its rhyme scheme is aa, bb, cc, dd, ...
Even sobriety doesn't help! | Interesting!
Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 1st May 2008 | Hi Brett!
A quick query - if aa, bb, cc, dd, then what is abab, cdcd,efef?
Is it ballad form, or is that ?a?a, ?b?b, ?c?c and so on?
Please forgive my ignorance and laziness - I could probably google it. Which reminds me, I must get hald of that Stephen Fry book that so many rave about on GW!
Cheers!
John |
Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 1st May 2008 | John, I'm sending you a pm.
Cheers |
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