This definitely needs work- if you could indicate where you think it needs it most I'd much appreciate it. An attempt to develop the style used in Hecuba's Troy and Beverage out the Boy.
My skin is pink, skinned fish,
fingers pick pick scratch flakes to floor
thin as snow. There must
there must be a better colour
beneath all this thick rubber stuff,
pale tangles of hair. I would tug
tug them from me like cobwebs
strip this skin. There must
be a brighter colour beneath,
something silver
something you would take and slip
around your neck. Sometimes in sun
there’s a flicker like a fish swimming
beneath my nails, a flash
like a twist in water,
a blink of glittered eyelid. Then the search
for a crack in skin, a zip,
an escape from clumsy limbs
these wrinkles, cracked heels.
And the itch, furious fingers
cascading skin slivers
circling feet. Until I am red
and naked as love, stilled
by the dream of shuffling out
of a suit of pores,
and sliding into the day
easily as water.
|
Heavy !
Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 27th April 2008 |
This would be the ugliest of the metaphors I have seen you use, Ro , but you handle it skilfully
And no , I refuse to even try to suggest anything to improve it-- because it is so far from my own style that I would not dare !
And I fear that it gets a bit close to the bone (no pun intended) for someone of my age -- my externals are not a pretty sight , and I don't think that there is something that could slide , silvery , out of my skin now
That imperative repetition is interesting.
There are other personal connotations within it for me that inhibit an honest review here. In other words it is effectively affective .
patterjack |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 27th April 2008 |
I know that on one occasion I came up with some suggestions in review, but here, as is usually the case, I find myself floored by your writing.
Other than picking out all the phrases and images I like (which would mean repeating the entire poem, more or less  ) , I'm stuck for words, but I'll have a go...evocative, sensitive, intriguing, addictive, sensual, haunting...
Sorry, not the constructive critique you were after! |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 27th April 2008 |
I enjoyed this,for me, the strength of it was building on the single metaphor. When you employ a number of them I find they trip me up but here I could follow the narrative. There were some really vivid images to savour.
As you ask for comment :- I think the poem really took off after
Sometimes in sun..... If you want to make any changes, perhaps that first section could be tightened a bit. That's as critical
as I'm prepared to get as I'm no poet
cheers
Jane |
can't can't leave it alone
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 28th April 2008 |
Where BBS notes that the poem picks up, where the sun lightens the situation...there is a shifting of tone there, from frustration to possibility then finally relief. The anxious repetition ends at that point too. There is a natural pause after 'neck'. Is it too obvious to make a line break there?
The poem reminds me a little (in a good way) of Billy Collins' 'Purity', where he describes taking off his skin and removing his organs in order to write. |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 29th April 2008 |
Thanks for the long reviews, guys.
Brian- ugliest yet? I think you need to re-read my "Becoming" poem, same sort of thing only with someone else's skin :P I seem to have an odd preoccupation with this particular (gruesome) idea.
I feel the same way about pretty much all your poetry- completely unqualified to comment- but I appreciate that you review anyway. The idea is getting rid of the external to look at what's good inside so I don't think age is an issue.
NathanRoberts- and as usual I find myself floored by your compliments. I'm not sure they're justified but I'll definitely take them anyway! You're right, there is a change in tone after "neck" and I've considered making a line break or beginning a new stanza but I'm worried about losing the sense of urgency entirely. I might give it a try and see how it reads. Haven't read the Billy Collins' poem but I'll take a look.
BBS- you may not consider yourself a poet but your critique is worthy of one, thanks very much. |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 1st May 2008 |
As usual you take your compliments with grace and modesty!
It's interesting what you say about urgency. I re-read the poem at a faster speed after that, which made for a different effect.
I often wonder at what speed others read. Your delicious phrasing and rich imagery seems to demand a slow appreciative tasting, but I guess this is what it's all about...re-reading in different contexts, different moods.
'The idea is getting rid of the external to look at what's good inside'
and how you balance those two aspects, throughout almost every line, is one reason why it works. The potential ugliness of flaked skin and 'skinned fish' is counterbalanced by flakes 'thin as snow'. 'Pale tangles of hair' balances 'thick rubber stuff'. |
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