He looked at the two men mounting the chariots and took a draught from his hipflask.
" Who is the fellow on the right?"
" Are you drunk? That's the king!"
" The king? Oh, all right. Hurrah for our great and glorious king."
" He owns the best horses in all of Ireland."
" Does he then?"
The horses neighed and snorted as if they felt that this was their finest moment. Here, at the annual gathering, they would prove their master's greatness. They were the king's horses, the finest beasts of all.
" Are they going to race or is he only enjoying the attention?"
" Didn't you wife tell you to be quiet?"
" She did all right."
" Then take her advice."
A horn was blown and the two competitors stormed forward. The ground shook and a cloud of dust was thrown into the air as the magnificent animals ran by. The people cheered and it was no surprise that the king beat his subjects easily.
" Hurrah for the king!"
" Hah, you call him a charioteer? My wife rides faster!"
" Be quiet!"
" I said my wife rides faster than that so called king!"
Someone grabbed his shoulder and he was pushed onto the track.
" My king, this man was boasting his wife could ride faster than you."
" Did you?"
" Yes sir, king or whatever, you're a snail compared to her."
" Fetch me this woman then, and tell her that if she cannot make this boast true, she can come to collect the pieces of her husband."
The woman was brought before the king. She was tall and had a stately posture, but her belly was round.
" I cannot ride my king, can you not see I'm pregnant? It was only a careless boast of my drunken husband."
" Careless boast or not, you will ride or he will die."
" But your majesty... My child!"
" You will ride."
She looked at the people around her.
" You all have mothers", she cried," Let someone do something."
But no-one spoke out for her.
" Very well then", she said," I will ride against you, and win, and great evil shall come over your kingdom."
At that she mounted her chariot, the king mounted his and they rode fast and furiously. The axis creaked and the spectators were covered in dust. Several laps they raced, yet the woman outran the king and as she reached the finish, she screamed and she bore boy and a girl. All men that heard her cries felt the same pain as a woman giving birth and so would their sons and their grandsons and their sons for nine generations to come. The pains would last for five days and return every month.
The place were she had crossed the finishline and given birth was since named Emain Macha, which means 'Macha's twins'and it became the capital of the kingdom for the next hundred years. Yet its warriors were disabled every month and it was when another woman heard of this that their clan faced its greatest disgrace, but that is another story, that has to be told another time.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3133 comments posted) 29th April 2008 |
Your work just gets better and better. I thought this an excellent bit of storytelling in the classic style of legend and fable; all the ingredients were there, including a bit of moral payback. This had an authentic 'feel' to it, the voice was right and the dialogue was the icing on the cake. It gave it pace and a bit of humour and made it something rather special.
I think you have a good 'ear' for dialogue, you keep it fairly spare
cheers
jane |
Written by Fledermaus (3159 comments posted) 29th April 2008 |
Thanks Jane.
I was a bit afraid that maybe I had modernized this one too much, especially in the beginning. It's the foundation myth of Emain Macha, which (according to the myth) was the capital of Ulster during the days of Deirdre, Cuchulainn etc... The curse plays an important role in the Tain Bo Cuailgne, as it caused all men (except Cuchulainn) to be sick when queen Medb attacked. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3133 comments posted) 29th April 2008 |
| No Maus, I'm glad you didn't try to make the dialogue overly 'mythic' in style.By doing it this way you have put your own stamp on fable.I think it works perfectly,especially, as it was so sharply written. Others may disagree but it definitely gets my vote. It gives the characters a believable voice. |
Written by Asferthecat (789 comments posted) 29th April 2008 |
I liked the dialogue. There was no problem following who was speaking.
My problem was that the story started rather abruptly, I would have like a bit more scene setting.
I haven't heard of the legend but it makes a good story - men feeling the pain of childbirth - excellent. Perhaps an elaboration about how crippling the pain is. |
Written by Emmuttmax (109 comments posted) 29th April 2008 |
I think the dialog works very well. The problem for me the characters were not fleshed out. I got no real sense of who the "He" was that began the story, nor of the king or the wife.
It is a wonderful tale and would be more compelling with more character development. |
As for me!
Written by beatricelouise (202 comments posted) 29th April 2008 |
I would have liked to see a bit more lrgendary dialogue. That's just me, though.
For instance, "Did you?" Something is missing. It leaves me wanting to hear a bit of dialect to give me a chance to distinguish which country this legend derives.
Otherwise, another smashing hit.  |
Written by Lizzy (781 comments posted) 30th April 2008 |
I liked the story and you told it well but I also think that there could have been more description at the beginning.
I liked the ending, typical 'myth/legend ending', but are we going to hear that other story?
Lizzy |
Written by philkent (157 comments posted) 30th April 2008 |
I love these old Irish legends, and you tell them very well. I agree that keeping the dialogue spare does somehow contemporise it just enough to avoid any overblown mythic pretensions. Like Cat though, I would like to see perhaps a touch more scene setting, just to fill it out a bit.
There are a lot of tales surrounding Cuchulainn, from his childhood up until the final showdown with Maeve, are you planning on putting some on here or just the main story of the Cattle Raid? |
Written by lovelysarah1984 (79 comments posted) 30th April 2008 |
I loved the moral in this story. It's a refreshing read, nice to see something a bit different.
Good work! |
Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 30th April 2008 |
I have a weakness for mythology, and I liked this one. It reminded me of the tale in the bible of a tribe of Israel insisting a village circumcise themselves, and when they did attacking them while they were too sore to fight.
One tiny typo: " Didn't you wife tell you to be quiet?" - your wife.
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Written by TwistedTales (448 comments posted) 30th April 2008 |
With everyone Maus...an enjoyable read.
I would love to see the character of the King and the lady who raced him fleshed out a bit more. Like Snod, I am a big fan of Mythology...they are just so rich and totally unbelievable - yet you fall for them...
Liked this one.
TYPOS -
"Didn't you (r) wife tell you to be quiet?"
"The place w(h)ere she had crossed"
Regards,
TT |
Written by mia_ms_kim (891 comments posted) 30th April 2008 |
It seems old tales often tell stories of foolish husbands and wicked kings, and women's curse. What a tale! Enjoyed.
Mia  |
Written by Fledermaus (3159 comments posted) 1st May 2008 |
Thanks everyone!
Interesting how everyone seems to look at the dialogue differently. I have thought of many of the things mentioned.
Jane - I'm glad it worked out that way for you. You're probably right that it adds some personal flavour to the story.
Asferthecat - Good point. At first I had written a little bit about how she became his wife, but it seemed to take up more than half of the piece. As for crippling pangs... As a man (and not from Ulster) I have no idea what it's like 
Emmuttmax - Good point I'll take on board when I'll write the 'other story'.
Beatricelouise - Thanks!
Lizzy - You most probably will, although maybe in parts, for the Tain Bo Cuailgne is quite a big story.
Philkent - Well, I already did a few poems, a short story about Emer etc. Next in the planning ius most probably Aided Fraech...
Sarah - Thanks!
Snodlander - I don't know that story. Got to read the Bible again!
TT - Thanks. I'll have a look at the typos. Yes, mythology is extremely inspiring.
Mia - Oh yes. Some common elements eh |
Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
Enjoyed this, Fledermaus. With the above. Especially liked the way you finished this off. There's an art to this kind of story telling and by referencing with phrases like: that has to be told another day, you draw from a deep well of story telling tradition and it enriches your work.
Phil |
Written by Josie (2496 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
| Goodness me! What a lot of reviews. Mine will be quite overshadowed, but I have to tell you Fledermaus that I really enjoyed your story. What a good storyteller you are! My mother always said: "A still tongue makes for a wise head". Obviously the man in your story didn't have a mother to tell him this too. Ahhh |
Written by Fledermaus (3159 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
Thanks Phil and Josie,
I'm glad it worked out that way. I do intend to raid the Cattle Raid a little more one of these days, for Medb (that other woman) is most fascinating.
And oh yes, lots of ancient Irishmen lived (or died) to regret their boasts... |
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