“There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.”
--David Letterman


Since I’m a dog and don’t know a hell of a lot about business, I will take a cue from Oscar Wilde: “My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people’s.”

Business (or “bidness’ as we call it in Texas) began in 27,000 B.C., when a woman named Amber realized people would give you money if you had something they wanted. People, especially men, wanted a lot from Amber, and as she grew more and more prosperous, she established the first multi-national corporate franchise with the founding motto that lives on today in commerce: “Screw the customer.”

As time went on, men got jealous of Amber’s success, and they tried to emulate it. Unfortunately, nobody wanted what they had, so they decided to create stuff and hire advertising agencies to convince people they actually needed the crap they created. Artificial demand was born, and more and more enterprising assholes began to supply the demands. While all this was going on, dogs, man’s best friends, were laying in front of huts, cottages, tents, and castles saying to each other, “Hey Lenny, have you seen what the guy who lives here just bought? A marionette box! Can you believe it? What an asshole.”

At first, most business was done by swapping stuff, mainly animals, spices, and slaves; it was called “trade.” Eventually, vending machines were invented and people found it hard to stuff a sheep in the payment slot so monetary systems arose, and paper and coins were used to replace sheep.

Shopkeepers, industrialists, factory workers, checkout clerks, office managers, accountants, and under-assistant west-coast promotion people soon outnumbered farmers and hunter-gatherers, and the world became one great big store. People had been replaced with “consumers,” and “fair deal” had been replaced by the butcher’s thumb.

According to former American President Calvin Coolidge, “The business of America is business.” Old Cal said that quite a few years ago, and during the ensuing years, the saying has been transformed into, “The business of America is Big Business.” If you are a small businessperson, you are constantly getting “Ambered” by the government; it will tax, regulate, and inundate you with paperwork until you are ready to fold up shop and go to work for one of the sterile, soulless, big-box, chain businesses that blot the American landscape. If you run a Big Business that contributes a lot of money to political candidates, your company will be rewarded with tax breaks, no-bid contracts, and little government oversight as long as you put retired politicians on your board of directors.

As much as the odds are stacked against you, there are still a few spots left on the roster for some individuals to find success in the business world. Of course, if you have ethics, you might want to consider…uh…well, never mind. The best way to become enormously successful (and happy) in business is to become self-employed. Sure, if you want to go into a legal business, you gotta put up with bureaucracy, but at least you won’t have to answer to Frank, the assistant manager in charges of fries. Hot self-employment trends in the 21st century include lamplighter, sodbuster, Internet preacher, global breast warmer, herpetologist, gunrunner, fake memoir writer, postage negotiator, spammer, and self-help guru. Good luck, and don’t put me on your mailing list.

Chapter 18 Summary:
Amber did business, and business was good; Advertising sells shit; Everything is illuminated, Don’t write me.