It’s my fault. I was stupid. I shouldn’t have gone to Jimmy’s house. Betty, his sister, had said it was a pajama party, only girls, no boys. They will talk, stay up late, eat cake and drink beer. 

I was raped. I never told anyone because I know nobody will believe me. They will laugh at me and ask me how it was. What can they do anyway? I can’t get back what I was, can’t change what I am going to be – a blot, a permanent scar.

My mom – I don’t even let my mother touch me anymore. She cries and begs to allow her to comfort me, but I refuse. Why should I? Are her hugs, her sweet nothings going to undo what’s been done? I hate it when she barges into my room and rummages through my almirah looking for my dirty laundry, my personals.

‘Don’t touch my stuff. How many times do I have to tell you? Don’t you understand? Are you stupid, you old bitch? Do you like sniffing my panties? You want to feel me up too? Here, see I am naked. Do whatever you want to.’ She runs to her husband. Who do I run to? 

I don’t go near babies. They are too pure. They can see the stains on my soul.

‘We know what happened to you. It’s because you are bad and God wants to punish you. He doesn’t harm nice people. You deserve what you got.’ They point at me and smile a secret smile.

‘Don’t touch us,’ they scream silently. ‘Don’t bring your dirty self near us.’     

My father sometimes forcefully embraces me to stop me from crying, from disintegrating, from dissolving into nothingness. I get sick when he tries to hold me in his arms, whispering, ‘everything will be fine sweety, I am there for you’ in my ears.

‘No it won’t be. OK? It never will be. And no, you are not there for me because you weren’t there when I needed you to protect me. You failed as a father. So get away and stay away.’ He stays in his room for a couple of days, but comes crawling back to me till I put him in his place again.       

My soul’s dead. People smile, I stare. They take a step towards me, I retreat. They touch - I turn away in shame. I don’t know why people want to talk to me. Why do they have to shove their sympathetic act in my face? I don’t care how they feel. I don’t care how sad they are to know that I was raped? Why don’t they shut up and take care that they don’t get raped.

My best friend Lily doesn’t come to see me anymore.

‘Mary, I love you no matter what. I still care for you. You will always be my best friend.’

‘Oh please. All you want is to get me in bed just like everyone else.’ I know she does. She cried and left. What about my wet eyes?

The nightmare greets me every night – even open eyes don’t help.  I tried rat poison – twice - but I survived, hahaha. My world is dark; my heart is incapable of feeling again. My mind lives that moment a million times in a day. My body is not mine anymore – it belongs to those who stole me. I am not Mary. I would be cheating people if I say I am Mary. I am Kim, no, I am Nora, no I am Betty…I don’t know. I am a ghost – a breathing ghost.

I’ve asked Him why me? More than my mother has said, “I love you” to me. But He acts dumb, like He doesn’t understand my question. He turns away and wrinkles His nose like he can smell the stench on my body. I don’t talk to Him anymore.

I don’t look at myself – I don’t scratch when it itches because I don’t want to touch my body. I don’t untangle my hair. I see those hands, those lips, the sweat, the smell all over me – I close my eyes, stop smelling, stop breathing, stop moving – but then it creeps inside me – claiming everything – I run, it follows me, I lie down, it lies with me, I cry – it laughs, I remain silent – it screams.

Why I am still here - when I am not here anymore? I weep – cut myself to get rid of their touch, but it doesn’t help. There is no escape, there is no return, there is no exit. There is no life, there is no death. There is nothing to lose – nothing to find – nothing to fend for, nothing to let go of, nothing to dream of, nothing to fulfill, nothing to start, nothing to end.       

Betty pins me down, while Kim removes my clothes. Nora takes pictures. They take turns claiming me. Nora has pink lips, Kim has red and Betty has black. They tell me to keep quiet and enjoy. Betty grabs my hair and makes me kiss Kim and Nora in different places. I shut my eyes with my hands when they shove the long and round thing in my private area and laugh. Nora pinches my lips and makes a baby face. They leave after I vomit.

I feel naked all the time and there aren’t enough clothes that can cover me.

Will I be me again, ever?