Hello again
I have reworked poem taking on board constructive criticism Which I thank you for
Hope I've got it right now.
The race
Bell goes
on me toes
Get ready, Get set,
I goes
Push Push, Rush Rush
Time to run can't hesitate
They‘re at the gate
Blood surges
Belly urges
What to choose
What's to lose
Teeth , hair, skin, bone
I'm alone
So run
nearly all done
Home appears
Finishing line nears
cheers
They jeers
Won again
cool
Home from school
|
Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 1st May 2008 | I imagine this is about running away from the school bullies? I hope this wasn't your real life experience! I like the title - Race. Running from bullies wasn't what I expected, but the fact that it is a race to the subject - that was very good. 'Finishing line appears' - I liked like that line. It puts such a positive light on what must be a distressing experience. The rush, that urgency could be felt at each line without being tragic or emotional. I like the rhyme. I liked the 'I goes' - that was fun. The more I think about it, the more I like the title 'Race' and the sense of victory not only over the bullies, but over life. typo: loose -> lose? I really like this poem.
Mia  |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 1st May 2008 | There are parts of this which work well. The very short lines suit the urgency of the subject.
Some of it suggests that the voice is a young child...'I goes', 'everything cool', phrases that might run through a child's mind.
Other words and phrases sound more adult, or at least an older child, 'adrenalin' 'fight or flight'. If you could keep the younger voice in mind and try to find words that fit that character, then it would be more consistent and powerful, I think.
The line 'They're at the gate'. There is a strong stress on the 'they're' which some might miss. Maybe put it in italics?
'Adrenalin surges
Fear emerges
Fight or flight '.
These lines seem a bit detached, like a casual observer narrating rather than the urgency of the following three lines. What does the fear feel like?
I'm not sure you need to rhyme quite so much, especially in such short lines. Four repeats of a rhymed syllable is difficult to pull off, it draws too much attention to the rhyme and away from the content. Building up expectation of a rhyme, then taking it away can be useful in drawing attention to a certain word.
| partial success!
Written by fellpony (1752 comments posted) 1st May 2008 | I was a bit confused because having read your poem about the old grai I thought this Race was a horse race... but I did tumble to it as it went along. That's me, not you.
Yes, it does convey a sense of escaping from others as you run home. You've cut a lot of specific detail out to get to the centre of the idea. Now you can start looking at things like line length and form.
I think this needs to be very tight rhythmically to remind us of the running stride. [ ] are suggestions for cutting, bold type are suggestions for added bits.
Bell goes.
On me toes,
Ready, set, [bell tolls - take it out, you've already said the bell's gone]
School's done,
Time to run,
Push Push,
Rush Rush,
Can't hesitate,
They‘re at the gate.
Adrenalin surges,
Fear emerges.
[Fight or flight
What to choose]
What's to lose -
Teeth, hair; skin, bone!
I'm all alone,
So run, run
nearly [all] done.
[Pit heap] appears ["Pit heap" is the only specific in the poem - and as we can't see its significance I'd change it to something simpler, like "my house"]
The finish [ing line] nears
I cheer
They [let out] jeer
[Won again]
Everything cool
I'm home from school |
Written by Phil (7014 comments posted) 1st May 2008 | I too initially thought this was about a horse race - but then I'd just come from your previous piece too.
Second reading, contextualised, I really enjoyed this. Fellpony has made some good suggestions.
Phil |
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