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| Pathetic Bob Gets a Ferret | |
| By Emmuttmax | ||||||||||||||
| 01 May 2008 | ||||||||||||||
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A short piece from my collection of Pathetic Bob stories.
Pathetic Bob Gets a Ferret
First of all, I want to state at the beginning, I am blaming this whole scam, fraud, and deception on my wife. The devil in Prada made me do it, and here is how it unfolded. We had been talking for a while now about inviting a puppy to come live with us. Linda, my wife, felt that with Max and Judy getting up there in age, it might be a good time to bring in a new generation and let the old dogs teach it new tricks. Of course, I’m always up for another canine roommate, but we hadn’t yet made a decision, when we had to go to the pet supply store and pick up a new super-deluxe outhouse condo with air conditioning for the cat. Unfortunately, we decided to take Pathetic Bob, the Italian Greyhound along. The only pets the pet-supply store normally sells are fish and lizards, although some folks from local animal rescue groups will occasionally be there offering dogs and cats for adoption. It happened that on this day, the store must have been celebrating National Ferret Day, because the little critters were everywhere. We braced ourselves for the “berzerko freak-out dance” from Pathetic Bob, whose motto in times of encountering other animals is “Run away and quiver.” We were quite astonished, however, when Bob remained calm, walked up to one of the ferrets and said, “I want it.” I wanted it, too. They were so cool, like miniature land otters. One look at Linda, and I knew Bob and I were going home without a ferret friend. She told Bob, “We’ll have to think about it,” which most people recall from childhood means, “No, you are not getting a BB gun.” Over the next two days, Bob was so stoked about ferrets he wouldn’t shut up. My wife was getting more stoked about a puppy and decided we should get one. I wanted both, but I knew I’d have to compromise, which meant I’d have to do what my wife wanted. But, I didn’t want to disappoint Bob, so I came up with a plan. When Linda was out of the house one day, I took Bob for a ride. “Where are we going?” he asked. “Well, remember the Animal Defense League, where you and I met? I thought you might like to visit there. And guess what Bob? They got ferrets!” “No shit…uh…I mean, No kidding? Can we get one? “Yeah, why not.” We walk around the grounds for a while, and then finally went into the puppy house. In one of the top cages was this cute, little brown-and-white puppy. Although the information card on the cage indicated the dog was a mix between a basset hound and a Welsh corgi, I pointed to the top cage and said, “Look Bob, a ferret.” “Where, I can’t see. Lift me up.” I lifted Bob to cage level and he looked at the sleeping puppy. “Hey, that doesn’t look like a ferret. It looks like a dog.” Just then, the puppy woke up and saw us, then yapped. “It’s barking. It’s a dog.” “No it isn’t Bob. It says here on the papers that it’s a European Barking Ferret. It’s very rare, and nobody has adopted it because most people in America don’t speak European. That’s really sad.” “I don’t know, it sure looks like a dog to me.” “Well it’s not Bob, it’s a damn ferret. Now do you want ferret or not? If you do, this is probably the coolest ferret your ever gonna find.” Bob sighed then he looked at the ferret and then back at me. “Let’s get her,” he said. “Cool,” I said. “What shall we name her?” “Sophie,” said Bob, “That sounds very European.”
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