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By Katanga
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02 May 2008 |
This was prompted by a cold call - literally - that I got this evening form a wretched cold-caller ( I say 'wretched', not because I look down on him, but because I was a telephone salesman a long time ago), from 'Will-Writing Services Limited'.
Ha! It's rather maudlin adolescent stuff - the bits of Yeats are entirely intentional i.e. 'dappled grass' and 'deep heart's core', but there we go. It is out of respect that I use those phrases, not in a clumsy attempt at plagiarism.
If you haven't already read it please see Yeats's 'The Song of Wandering Aengus' - my (Imean his on me)) most influential poem . . . I recite it at pub gigs to this day!
I'm wittering on - enjoy, I hope, and feel joyfully sad! Love and peace! John X
Do Not Look Down
Do not look down on me now Joanna
Now that I rest in peace
Raise your face to the skies above
Where our love will never cease
Go bravely from my place of rest
Wipe the tears from your eyes
Like a bird flown swift from the nest
I will be waiting in the skies
To hold and to kiss and to have you
Just as I did before
This is something timeless
And rests in my deep heart's core
Remember when we walked among
Long dew-dappled grass
Through bluebells and forget-me-nots
While time went ticking past
I cannot hold you now Joanna
For I am cold and numb
But I shall make up for more than that
And all we have left undone
Now go, go from my resting place
Go back to our field again
Brush your legs through the long wet grass
And remember to leave the gate open
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Written by Brett (1009 comments posted) 1st May 2008 | I wouldn't say it was that adolescant, John. There are some nice phrases - I particularly like 'Brush your legs through the long wet grass.'
Cheers | Long wet grass!
Written by Katanga (1554 comments posted) 1st May 2008 | Thanks Brett!
Funny thing - I changed it, literally in the last few seconds before clicking 'Submit'.
The original line was:
Brush your legs through the wet wet grass
Which do you think is better? And, if you have time, why?
Simple one-word repetition can sometimes be brilliant, and sometimes be naff... How can I learn to feel the difference?
Please see my W.H.Auden tribute - e.g. It was late, late in the evening etc Phwoooooooarh! I try to echo that in 'For Joanna' . . .
Cheers! John X |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 1st May 2008 | This is beautiful. I'm even more convinced men can really write romantic poems. A love song from beyond the grave! I especially like the last line, "And remember to leave the gate open." Women may be are little more practical, at least I am. If I died, I will try to find my hubby a good woman to marry who will be good to him and to my son before I can rest in peace.
Mia  | Wet,wet grass...
Written by Brett (1009 comments posted) 2nd May 2008 | No, I prefer your choice of 'wet long grass.' I certainly can't teach you how to feel the difference, I suppose the writer just knows when it feels right, or sounds right. I try to read my work through as much as I can before I think it's complete, but usually end up missing a phrase or a word that can be improved - but that's what this site is for.
I like 'the long wet grass' I think because I am identifying the length of the grass with the length of her legs (does that make sense, without sounding pervy?).
Cheers |
Written by Phil (7014 comments posted) 2nd May 2008 | Long, wet grass too - and I reckon it is because of physical connotations - perv or not.
I don't normally go for beyond the grave stuff, but this had a gentle and simple pull to it that appealed. Thought the final verse the strongest.
Liked very much.
Phil | Wet long grass?
Written by Katanga (1554 comments posted) 2nd May 2008 | Gosh - this was, I think, a typo Brett? But might work even better? Sometimes changing the 'natural order' of adjectives (e.g. 'size' before 'quality') can have a powerful effect?!
I guess some sort of 'perviness' lies within us all, if only we were willing to admit it it! And that's what we do here, cloaked in poetry.
Ha! Ha!
Thank you, Phil - I'm with you on the 'beyond-the-grave stuff'.
Strangely, Phil and Brett, the last stanza just occurred to me 'by mistake' - without it, I would never have posted this otherwise poor, mawkish poem. I felt the strength of the last line, coming from somewhere outside of me, which made me press the 'Submit' button.
The very weak rhyme between 'again' and 'open' had me agonising - until I thought that it represents the weakening effect of dying . . .
H0! Ho! and thrice Ho!
Cheers! John X (p.s. please see and review my more jolly stuff!) |
Written by Brett (1009 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 | Sorry about the typo - keep 'long wet grass.'
That last rhyme - again / open - why can't I describe why I like it? Saying the two words over to myself, the rhyme shouldn't work. But read the stanza and it does. Nice.
Cheers |
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