Not provoked, interested.
I have no concept of how free verse works. When I read someone else's, I can see if it does or not, reading your own is a little close to home. If this is as awful as I suspect it may be, let me know.
Just a piece brought about by a wandering mind.
maybe god has a vagina
and astride the great nothing that came before
in the great birthing pool of blackness
she hitched her skirts
and delivered the universe
galaxy after steaming galaxy
and our little corner of the Milky Way?
our insignificant bit of solar system?
a fleck of after birth
that left to its own devices
spawned a population
that yearned for a father figure
|
F*****G Profound
Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 1st May 2008 |
There is nothing I can really say as far as critique goes.
'hitched her skirts...galaxy after steaming galaxy...a fleck of after birth' all wonderful - and you still don't consider yourself a poet!
'that left to its own devices
spawned a population
that yearned for a father figure.'
Profound - yes. Amusing - yes. Poetry - certainly.
I can't praise this enough.
Cheers. |
Streuth! Yes!
Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 1st May 2008 |
Ah, yes! An intelligent and profound reply to a previous 'work' that asked whether God has a penis.
Brilliant.
I am, in fact, writing a novel about my penis at the moment, so this is all grist for my mill. Ho!
It's a bit short, more of a novella as it stands, so I might wangle a few more chapters out of your vagina . . .
Cheers! John X |
Phil
Written by patterjack (1196 comments posted) 1st May 2008 |
To me that process sounds more like one of defaecation than of birthing
And the comparative result ......
patterjack |
wow
Written by shirley_keeldar (67 comments posted) 1st May 2008 |
Loved this!
L  |
Written by Canadian_Bacon (110 comments posted) 1st May 2008 |
Haha, very nice!
I agree with Brett completely, he said everything I would have said anyway. Profound indeed!
-Mike |
Been reading Sam Beckett?
Written by fellpony (1616 comments posted) 1st May 2008 |
They give birth astride a grave. The light shines a moment, then it's dark again. Waiting for Godot.
If Beckett could get away with so can you - and as an answer to the previous piece, I think it works. |
Written by Mr_E_Writer (187 comments posted) 2nd May 2008 |
Praise be to the piece that birthed your piece, for conversely this WAS thought provoking, due in no small part to the final four lines.
“A fleck of after birth
that left to its own devices
spawned a population
that yearned for a father figure”
Although, go figure why some yearn for a figure at all.
Nice one. Eric. |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (637 comments posted) 2nd May 2008 |
Yeah, maybe it is the "steaming" that makes it sound a bit faecal. Maybe "slithering" would be more birth like?
but great imagery (the great birthing pool of blackness)and a fabulous twist at the end. So that's what is going wrong!
and so very nice and pagan. I think a goddess might be more jolly than a patriarchal and jealous god. |
Written by philkent (157 comments posted) 2nd May 2008 |
Clever and thought provoking on a few levels. If God did have a vagina perhaps that's why humanity has such a talent for acting the chav, single parent...absent father.
Very well written and beautifully realised.
Phil |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 2nd May 2008 |
This is fantastic Phil,
I'm unsure how free verse works (but I'm trying to learn), it seems to flow in fluctuations of meter, little streams of phrases without getting pulled into a tidal flow of fixed form. It needs an especially strong intuitive touch, I think. It's much harder to write than it looks.
Whatever, you handled this brilliantly.
(This is not to say that I agree with all the sentiments involved. Significance exists where meaning exists, we create our own significance and meaning in the ever evolving process of realising our True selves, a process which will eventually transcend male/ female distinction. God has both a penis and a vagina, and neither.
No, He's not had a botched transgender op, before someone pipes up...) |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 2nd May 2008 |
Thanks for the comments all.
Defaecation wasn't part of the idea - but I can see where the idea may come from.
Samuel Beckett? Not been reading of late - nor was it in my mind - although I am pretty familiar.
Astride of a grave and a difficult birth. Down in the hole, lingeringly, the grave digger puts on the forceps.
Perhaps it was there without me realising.
Anyway, glad this hasn't been panned. Ta.
Phil |
Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
| No idea how free verse works either, Phil, but the concept and images here are concisely demonstrated. There is a theory that God created the world and, for one reason or another, forgot about it, or lost control (Borges?), thus explaining certain complexities of human beings, whilst accounting for things like lack of salvation and natural disasters - and your afterbirth analogy brought it to mind. Of course, if God were a woman, you'd probably have a tsunami once a month, just to vent the frustrations and give the place a good spring clean. Very much enjoyed the portrayal of "insignificance" in this piece. An interesting take. |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1019 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
I found this desperately sad. Believe it or not, I found an African legend that says earth came from a piece of placenta that was thrown down!!! Another one says the universe came from the vomit of some white giant, vomit after vomit produced the sun, moon, stars... Wow, what can I say???
Mia  |
Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
| Plus, if you were doing readings up the West End, the title would naturally attract the intellectuals. |
Written by Fledermaus (3306 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
You just created a nice creation myth. Shattered eggs, corpses of giants... Many mythologies aren't so flattering about the nature of this universe.
What is interesting though is that most ancient beliefs don't seem to mention one creator (male or female), but a process where heat and cold (Musplheimr and Niflheimr), high and low (Uranos and Gaia), male and female come together to create the universe... The one cannot exist without the other. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
I don't know how free verse works either, Phil.I'm not sure how you recognise it.Are there rules, but then it wouldn't be free? Perhaps it's the absence of rules that is the qualification.It's a paradox; like organised anarchy. The more I read poetry the less I understand it.
Anyway I thought this had the makings of a grand fable in the mythic sense. It was very powerfully expressed with uncompromising imagery. I particulary liked the last two lines, there's a tragic truth there. As Patterjack says there is a certain ambiguity in the line
and delivered the universe
galaxy after steaming galaxy
as to which orifice the galaxies came from.
But a thought provoking piece
Jane |
P.S
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
I think there is an Indian [American Indian, that is] fable about a female god giving birth to the world. They also only refer to the Indian race as human.I think the Spokane name for themselves translates as 'human' Don't know what that makes the rest of us 
As I said a thought provoking piece
There's more of a poet about you than you would like to admit, I think
|
Hi Phil
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 5th May 2008 |
I, too with the rest of GW, thought this was a very good poem and enjoyed reading it. But you know the afterbirth these days of stem cell research isn't quite the disregarded thing it was awhile ago.
From my recollection of it, birth was steamy as well as slimey and slithery. |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 12th May 2008 |
I went away for a week and now I find you posted this gem.
This is as good a creation myth as any I've heard. Really liked your 'great birthing pool of blackness' and 'galaxy after steaming galaxy'. Also enjoyed the ironic twist at the end.
Ben
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