|
By patterjack
|
|
02 May 2008 |
Reading too much of the angst of past poetic periods has engendered this; and I am here working on the principle that one can exercise the influence away. And I did find it an interesting exercise, because though it is simple in form the thought within it had to be tied down severely. Even now it is fuzzy to the point of being waffly and Romantic. I hope I am rid of it now and can only apologize for writing here what almost amounts to my own review !
The Weeper
Why do you weep? asked the watcher in white;
I see no reason for the tears that you shed
Nothing has harmed you throughout the long night
No wound can I see that has latterly bled.
Yet the rubric you read in this faltering light
is dotted with spots of a darkening red,
from a dry crusted brown to a scarlet quite bright.
What is this bloodstained journey you tread?
No longer can I play the bold gallant knight.
I weep for all of those past chances fled;
and for those that I left in their perilous plight.
This is the blood of those now long dead.
This is the parchment on which I indite
the deeds that weigh heavy upon my bowed head.
I mingle their blood with mine as I write
and curse the hellpath on which I was led.
|
Educate me
Written by meadowcroft1964 (112 comments posted) 1st May 2008 |
Sound very good and intelligent but I have no idea what it's about most likely my fault not your please educate me |
Written by Brett (1009 comments posted) 2nd May 2008 | I enjoyed this very much, Brian. I like the constant rhyme scheme and the imagery:
'...the rubric you read in this faltering light'
Whilst their is obvious regret their is an ambiguity which demands the poem to be reread. I shall certainly have to read it a few more times.
Cheers |
Written by ainsel (68 comments posted) 2nd May 2008 | Wonderfully expressive, my dear - but I hope you are not quite as bitter and melancholy as this.
I envy your mastery of rhythm - it's where so many fall down, and you make it look effortless. |
Written by Phil (7014 comments posted) 2nd May 2008 | Well, I've read it a few times now - and it certainly draws me in. I's one of those that I think I have a handle on but don't have the confidence to commit.
My comments on form will always be limited - and there's nothing new here- it flows effortlessly and rhymes gently. (I still admire that ability to rhyme and almost disguise it.)
There's a certain dynamic to this. Not just brought about by its bi-part nature, but also the narrative and hinted at backstory. Further - it has a future (albeit brief and depressing) - and that, for me, made for a very good piece.
Phil
| back story - future story etc
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 2nd May 2008 | First -- thanks all for the reviews
The rhythm: ainsel , I was trying for something close to that of the Border Ballads , and there, Phil, is where feel of a past and future story comes in as well . See Edward , Edward for that sort of thing. Enjambement is something I like using , to give pieces a smoother flow.
Brett and Meadowcraft-- I hope it gets to mean more on rereading
The watcher in white derives in form, at least, from a more modern source . I am ambivalent about that persona
patterjack |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 2nd May 2008 | This reads like some sort of confessional piece by someone who went through terrible atrocity and survived it (by lying or something???) while helplessly watching his friends perish, so the subject feels he is Judas the betrayer, and is tormented by it all his life. I'm not saying anything new, but wow, I come from a nation of "bloody" history, so I've heard such heartbreaking confessions from the days of Japanese occupation era and the Korean war. The watcher in white reminded me of the biblical "supernatural" person, a special category of angels from the book of Daniel. As always, powerful, pj.
Mia  |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 | This made me work a bit but I was drawn in by the hints of powerful emotion and dark menace. For me it was about the sins of omission rather than any atrocities committed. Isn't there some line about only regretting what you didn't do? He tried to play a part but he failed and others suffered because of it.He couldn't be the person he felt he should be; almost a victim of his own destiny which he finds hard to accept. The passive sense in that last line seems very telling. It was his lot to do what he did and he now wishes it were different.
I particularly liked the contrast between the dark, cryptic, uncomfortable content the smooth rhythm and subtle rhyming. There was something unsettling about it that added to the feeling of menace
I deliberately didn't read your explanation of it, so this may all seem a bit pointless but it's just my reaction
cheers
Jane
|
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
