HELLO
HERE IS MY FIRST BASH AT A SHORT STORY
glossary
Gorger means non Romany person
chivvies means children
A day in the Life of a Flower Girl
Beads of sweat raced down my sun-ravaged face. My feet cried out in torment to be released from these badly-fitting boots, I made a mental note that if given the chance by the next gorger woman, I'd beg for a pair to replace them.
The fact I carried upon me the means to buy a dozen pairs of the finest boots wasn't going to deter me. The gold sovereigns I'd hidden inside the specially-made pockets of my apron had taken to much work and hardship for me to acquire and I wasn't going to waste them on brand new boots.
The carefully made paper flowers which had seemed so light to carry at the beginning of the day, now seemed to be made from lead even though there was only half of what I'd started out left. My aching arms served as a reminder that, before I could head for home, I had the rest to sell.
Walking slowly up the next driveway on my guard knowing in being their I'd become dog bait for who felt that they could justifiable allow them to attack me just for walking towards their doors. The front door opens and I hold my breath not knowing what reception I'd receive am in luck this time I sense straight away the misguided pity this gorger has for the poor dirty Gypsy that stands before her. I leave two dozen roses lighter, and to her benefit she was left with renewed hope in the future. At last the cardboard box is empty. It's taken so much longer to sell my flowers today, how I hate these school holidays, six weeks of hell with little chivvies chasing me, calling out "dirty Gypo", spitting and even throwing stones. Why must I be abused by these so called, well brought up, educated children. Their parents watch and hide behind net curtains, I won't care but some of them live in conditions I wouldn't let my dog live in.
The first lesson we learn as children is respect. Respect for their parents, elders and their animals simply put respect for life. The next lessons has got to be survival skills. To instill in them pride so no matter what they don't allow themselves to be put down. Our children could not survive the lions den called school, that we are forced to push them into and where the biggest predators can be teachers themselves without pride.
Romany dress is seen by many as over elaborate and garish, not suitable things to wear. Don't they, as educated people, see it is used by us to instill the pride needed into our children. Pride being our only weapon against the racism we encounter every day.
Amazingly once in awhile you come across a teacher who sees past the heavy jewellery and brightly coloured clothes to the child who wants to learn.
I myself was given this chance by a wonderful teacher who taught me how to read and opened my mind to the world of books. Sadily for me the ability to read was a two-edged sword, thou it promised to open my mind to other worlds and give the access to the same careers as you gorgers. In doing so it set me apart from my Romany community being among the first with this ability.
Thankfully this is changing as more and more Romany families realise that their means of earning a living are no longer sustainable that their children need to be educated today. My people's biggest asset has always been their ability to adapt, even more so when we're given the opportunity.
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Interesting Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 2nd May 2008 | An interesting and rare glimpse from the other side, so to speak. This was a story of two halves, the first a narrative of the tinker, the other a dissertation of the Romany way of life. From a personal point of view, I would have preferred for it all to be narrative, a story about the child, maybe selling the flowers at the weekend, attending school with the perceptive teacher in the day. It is easier to get your point across by showing than telling. Perhaps having some conflict with Dad who wants her to make money during school hours. Conflicts make good stories. For future stories (and there should be, this has a lot of potential), it is easier to read if you put an extra line between paragraphs. Also, proof read. It is incredibly difficult to proof-read your own stuff. I read my stuff out loud, which gives you clues as to where to put punctuation. You sometimes let a sentence run away with you. Your dropping in of Romany terms gave it an authenticity, without swamping the reader. Personally, I wouldn't have put the glossary in, you make the meaning clear enough in context (this from someone who's only Romany word is 'gavver') Some specifics: paper flowers which had seemed so light to carry at the beginning of the day - one thing I'm accused of in my stories is using passive sentences like 'had seemed'. I'm told it slows down a narrative. Try dropping the word 'had' though there was only half of what I'd started out left - bit of an awkward phrase. You might be using the narrator's colloquialisms, but pedantically it should be 'were', I think, as there are multiple flowers. Also, there seems to be a 'with' missing. Walking slowly up the next driveway on my guard knowing in being their I'd become dog bait for who felt that they could justifiable allow them to attack me just for walking towards their doors. - monster sentence with no punctuation, also 'being their' should be 'there', 'dog bait for who felt' - those who felt. first two paras are in the past tense, the third swaps to the present. This is a common mistake. You should stick to one or the other, unless for some narrative purpose. The front door opens and I hold my breath not knowing what reception I'd receive am in luck this time I sense straight away the misguided pity this gorger has for the poor dirty Gypsy that stands before her. - another big sentence with no punctuation Why must I be abused by these so called, well brought up, educated children. - end in a question mark, as it's a question The first lesson we learn as children is respect. Respect for their parents, elders and their animals - as the first sentence uses 'we', the second should use 'our' instead of 'their' The next lessons has got to be survival skills. - lesson has or lessons have Don't they, as educated people, see it is used by us to instill the pride needed into our children. - question again thou it promised to open my mind - though it promised Hope this helps you. | Written by mia_ms_kim (891 comments posted) 2nd May 2008 | A very interesting read. Like the previous reviewer, I like looking into a culture I don't know much about. I'm from another culture, too. The exotic dress code & jewelry you describe is common in many parts of Asia, and I personally find them lovely. Where the Gypsies in UK originally come from? I think snodlander gave you excellent suggestions. If they are a little too much for you right now, you can always use them for future reference. Despite the mistakes, I find your story very readable. I think if you start by adding extra blank line to begin new paragraphs, and use more punctuations, just fullstops and commas to start with, your piece will be much easier to read. As snodlander says, I think, as you get the hang of it, you can develop this piece into something more complex. Mia | Written by Josie (2500 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 | | Are you really a Romany, or is this just the story? What an interesting and unusual story. I really enjoyed it and it gives you the feel for what it must be like on the other side. We seemed to get more Romanies at people's houses years ago. | Romany through and through Written by meadowcroft1964 (80 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 | Josie LIKE THE TITLE STATES I'M ROMANY THROUGH AND THROUGH. TO BE PURFECTLY HONEST ITS TAKEN 40 YEARS AND LOTS OF HEART SEARCHING TO STATE THE FACT WITH PRIDE. THIS WRITING LARK IS REALLY TIRERING ,PILLS ARE CALLING ME. BYE |
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