Criz: Today’s interview is with a much maligned item in our culture, the box of rocks.  I wanted to thank you for coming today.

Box of Rocks: Good to be here.

Criz: Over the years you have gained a reputation for being…lets just say not to intelligent.  

Box of Rocks: Yes.  Sadly that is the case.

Criz: How do you think you have come by the reputation?

Box of Rocks: Well, I would say in part that it has something to do with my lack of any brain matter whatsoever.

Criz: And does that hurt your feelings?

Box of Rocks: No, of course not.  It is just stating a fact.  The problem I have with it is in the comparison game that people play.  

Criz: You mean when people say something like “you’re as dumb as a box of rocks”?

Box of Rocks: Exactly, look I am not claiming to be anything close to an Einstein or a Ben Stein, but there are many people in the world who are dumber than a box of rocks.  The problem is you don’t hear people put it in those terms.  In a way it seems unfair.

Criz: What do you mean?

Box of Rocks: Take, for instance, Britney, Paris, and others of that lot.

Criz: Sure.

Box of Rocks: Would you say about them that they are dumber than a box of rocks?

Criz: I … suppose I never really thought of it.  

Box of Rocks: That may be part of the problem, but I think it is safe to say that in all cases, even in their most enlightened moments, a box of rocks is much more intelligent.  But you never hear someone say “you’re as dumb as Britney” or “you’re as dumb as Paris”.

Criz: True.  Perhaps they don’t want to insult someone to that degree.  Maybe it is a complement of sorts.

Box of Rocks: What do you mean?

Criz: Well, saying to a person that they are as dumb as a box of rocks instead of saying to them “you’re as dumb as Britney” is almost like saying there are things in this world that are smarter than Britney or Paris, such as a box of rocks, and you are at least as smart as a box of rocks.

Box of Rocks: Good point.  I never really thought about it like that.  But what do you say about people like Katie Holmes.

Criz: What do you mean?

Box of Rocks: Well, I was created without a brain.  She had one and it was turned into some sort of gelatinous material.

Criz: You mean when she became a scientologist?

Box of Rocks: Sure.  Now you have a situation where you can say “you’re as dumb as Katie Holmes” and you are actually complementing Britney.  Does that sound reasonable?

Criz: I don’t follow.

Box of Rocks:  Well, in order for your theory to work you would need some sort of official list, a hierarchy of stupidity that everyone could reference.  Let’s say, for instance, that you have a box of rocks and a single celled organism.  Obviously the single celled organism is smarter than a box of rocks.  On the other side you have a box of rocks and Britney or Paris, or any one of their ridiculous minions.  It is obvious that a box of rocks wins.  Then when you add Katie Holmes, she seems to fit beneath Britney and Paris, but unless you are aware of the fact…

Criz: Look, I don’t think I would carry my analogy to far.  All I am saying is that there are worse things in the world than being called as dumb as a box of rocks.

Box of Rocks: And what about you?

Criz: Me?

Box of Rocks: Here you are writing a web log that no one reads interviewing a box of rocks.  Sounds like someone else I know is missing some grey matter.

Criz: Well, I have a limited budget.  Besides, uhm--- err---it looks like were running out of time.  

Box of Rocks: And it looks like you can’t read a clock either.

Criz: That is it for today.  I want to thank my guest Box of Rocks.

Box of Rocks: Right.

{Pause}

Criz: Is it gone yet?

Producer: Yeah boss---they’re back in the bottom of the fish tank.

Criz: That was unsettling.

Producer: Rocks are a lot smarter than I thought.

Criz: No kidding---and mean.