First attempt at this form - not quite sure about the result. This was written as an exercise to take my mind of this god-awful cold I have.
My previous life was spent by moonlit streams
Waiting for my love, the princess fair.
She would be flown to me upon the winds,
Together gentle Zephyrus we hailed,
And making love, baptised by holy rain,
We vowed this christening to be for evermore.
I carried her to my beloved moor
And built a castle over sacred streams.
Through its roof fell sleet and snow and rain,
She sheltered me within her tresses fair.
And come summer the heather she inhaled,
Declaring love for me unto the winds.
A fool not to expect the northern winds
And Boreas I curse for evermore
For the violent tempest he exhaled.
The god had taken jealousy to extremes
Toward his brother Zephyrus the fair
Who glided my princess to my terrain:
For my beloved's father's stately reign
Was toppled by some harsh rebellious winds.
Spared of his life, ejected without fare,
The broken king found solace on the moor;
With inner tears, rippling skin, like streams,
My love still loved as though he were still hailed.
For all the pearls at night the clouds had hailed
That mingled in his hair, each whiff of rain
Cascading through his beard like forest streams,
She dried with kisses. As a coil unwinds,
My reason, wit, my maiden of the moor,
All sacrificed at my own private fair.
The coins from my own purse have paid their fare
Across the styx from where no-one is hailed,
To where her laugh will linger evermore.
Hot tears baptise my face, unholy rain.
What good is a confession to the winds
Of the drownings in two sacred streams?
Envoi:
Fair, pale ghost don't haunt me in your reign
(I know the winds have brought you back) be hailed
For evermore by the sacred streams.
|
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
Liked this, Brett. Had to google sestina - but to be honest, the form doesn't concern me that much - just the effect it has. Enjoyed the structure of the story - moved well. Not sure about this line: From where I shall not catch her laugh no more. Is the double negative intentional - or am I misreading? Phil |
Stunning! Written by Katanga (1389 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
Phwoooooaaaargh! May you have more such stinking colds if this is what they do for you! This is stunning stuff, Brett! Where do you get it from? Is it genetic or what?! I've only read it once, but tears have sprung to my eyes, and I need a stiffener and some loo paper before revisiting it. Gosh - I am truly dumbfounded. Magnificent! Humbly yours, Tolstoy. |
Phil, thanks Written by Brett (884 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
You were quite right - the line was a stinker. I have now revised it, but now am a little self-conscious at having used 'nevermore.' Would be pleased to know what you think. And Tolstoy, you're getting over emotional, but thank you. Cheers |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
Nothing wrong with 'nevermore' - it worked for...bugger...was it Poe? So, nothing wrong with the word, but while I don't really understand stresses, they seem to fall a little awkwardly now. It's around the 'shall be heard' bit, I think. I know I'm on dangerous ground commenting on technical stuff.Feel free to inform me of my ignorance. Phil |
Phil Written by Brett (884 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
It was because of Poe that I was unsure, I didn't want it to sound as if I'd lifted it from The Raven. Again, Phil, you're right. This line does seem awkward, I'll have to have a think (or is that 'drink'?) Thanks for your time and comments, much appreciated. Cheers |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
Can't you just bung an adjective in the original line? From where I'll not catch her (2 syllable adjective here) laugh no more. See - I told you I have a very weak grasp on the technicalities. Phil |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
What a fool am I? From where I'll catch her (2 syllable adjective here) laugh no more. Phil |
Phil Written by Brett (884 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
You must have posted these whilst I was sending you a pm. I have amended the line again. Third time lucky? Or not as the case may be! Cheers |
Lingers Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
Works for me. And oddly, 'lingers' has always had a little sex appeal too. Can a word have sex appeal? Actually farts linger, and in that context, definitely not sexy - just amusing. You have changed the feel of the stanza, slightly. 'Laugh no more' speaks of loss - permanent loss. 'Linger evermore' is much more wistful. Still works for me. Amazing how difficult it is to make simple words fit what I suppose is a reasonably standard rhythm. I guess it shows the work and skill that goes into crafting into whole. Phil |
Phew, cheers Written by Brett (884 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
At last I can have that drink. Thanks, again, Phil, it's such reviewers as your good self that are the backbone of this site (if that doesn't sound too Kenneth More). Cheers |
Lingers? Written by Katanga (1389 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
I think you guys have finally got that line sorted between you - Bravo! Phil - talking of farts, reminds me of something I wrote, but I think I must have pinched it from someone else. Could you confirm? Otherwise I could dine out on it for a while: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Fart, and you laugh alone. Chortle chortle! Cheers! John |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
No idea - fart in a room full of my friends and you won't be laughing alone - or farting alone. Sorry Brett. Detracting from your piece. Perhaps you should pen something more malodorous for John and me.
|
Fart all you wish... Written by Brett (884 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
I heard that when James Joyce was asked his definition of love he replied "I could smell my wife's fart in a roomfull of farts." If it's good enough for Joyce, then let rip. Cheers |
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
| Well, what a list of reviews to follow Brett. I can see that you have really put in a lot of effort on this sestina, and it really does show. Well done. How on earth could you have done such a wonderful piece of work when you must be feeling dreadfully ill? All the more reason to congratulate you. |
Only on this site... Written by Veronica_Milvus (704 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
could Brett's devotion to consummate poetic beauty be diminished into a fart conversation in such short order. Can we have some hush here please? - Keats has been reincarnated and is bashing metal in Abergele. |
Josie Written by Brett (884 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
I can't deny that it was quite hard work, but with the aid of the best cold cures (fresh air, whisky, spicey food, and a determination not to loaf about moaning!) I found the challenge quite invigorating - though upon reading it back I think I may have had a fever. Cheers |
V, I thank you Written by Brett (884 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
for that stance. But even beloved Keats must have farted; and how intoxicating would have been his guffs! Cheers |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (704 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
| oh please! poets only fart rainbows, it is well known. |
Written by Brett (884 comments posted) 3rd May 2008 |
| I can smell a rainbow, smell a rainbow... |
Written by Robru (249 comments posted) 23rd July 2008 |
Here am, trying to write a sestina and I have to follow such a malodourous lot of comments. How can I learn amid such jocular repartee? OK - Now - Brett, you have kept the rhyme scheme going admirably but I thought that you had to keep your six line ending words exact for each stanza. Am I wrong or have you taken 'poetic license'? I am quite curious as there seems to a lot of minor deviations from the rules pertaining to many 'Form" poems. |
Robru, Written by Brett (884 comments posted) 23rd July 2008 |
as to your question I have sent a pm, but I shall reiterate in saying that I think I am right in that it is only the final stress of the ending lines that have to be homonymous: light, polite, cellulite. Cheers |
Cheers, Brett! Written by Katanga (1389 comments posted) 23rd July 2008 |
I hope this helps Robru - I was confused over the same issue. He says he's making progress with his sestina - I haven't started yet . . . Waiting for Alice! Cheers! John |
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