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Event (Chapter 6 - [10am] Two hours before the event)

By JasonVSKa

22 November 2005

one more chapter before the event and a new character is introduce.

A black crow on the pavement sees her and flies towards her. She ducks and the bird flies past. She past for a short moment and continue her journey. She arrives to a cottage knocks on the front door until it open. An Afghanistan man in his 20s holding a lighted cigarette in one hand appeared. He looked like a hospital patient. She hears the TV coming from the house. She introduces herself and tells him she is an old friend of Jackie. He asked her to show him proof and Christian takes out two photos from her handbag. She gives it to him and stares at the picture for along time, eventually he returns it. She enters a small hall, on the left is the sitting room, on the right is the stair and in the front is the kitchen. The man takes her to the sitting room, the TV facing is facing the sofa and on the corner of the room is a computer desk. The man asked, "You can sit down if you want?" Christian sat down on the sofa with her container on her lap and the man asked, "Do you want a cigarette?" Christian replies, "No thank you. I quitted along time ago." The man sat down on the desk chair, he puts the cigarette lighter on top of the scanner and asked, "You don't mind me smoking do you?" Christian replies, "I don't mind." He continues his smoking and watching the TV. Christian asked, "What is your name?" The man replies, "Muhammad." Christian asked, "Where is he?" He answered, "He should be on his way home from work." Christian asked, "What does he do?" He answered, "He works in Tesco doing night shift." Christian asked, "Why doesn't he drive his red car?" He answered, "To avoid congestion charge." He added, "Only uses it outside London." Christian asked, "Doesn't he have a mobile?" He answered, "No." Christian asked, "I bake some cake would you like any?" Suddenly they hear the front door opening. "That's him," said Muhammad, he switches the TV off and walks away from the room. Christian close to the wall can overhear their conversation. "Jackie! Someone here to see you," said Muhammad. She hears the door closing and a footstep getting closer toward the sitting room, a woman with a brown hood appeared. "Oh my god?!" said Christian.

Reviews

Written by Krish (51 comments posted) 22nd November 2005

I've had a look through some of your chapters and my first impression is one of confusion. You move through the story very quickly - not really taking time to focus on any events. It's just one thing after the other after the other. Spacing it out and writing into it would help.

The actions of the characters often seem surreal and nonsensical - I think this is also a result of flying through the story so quick. Often you change setting without warning - which can really put the reader off.

Firstly I'd advise you to read through the chapters to weed out spelling and tense mistakes. Spacing it out some would also make it easier to read. Then when you have the time and inclination you can come back and work into it.

Please don't be discouraged, and do keep working on this piece.

Thank you Kris!
Written by JasonVSKa (2 comments posted) 25th November 2005

Thank you for your comment Kris. I have shown it to my friends and they say it is not bad, but maybe it is because they just don't want to hurt me. I am happy to get a review from someone else. I will do what you say because I believe it is true. If I can make one reader happy then I too will be very happy.

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