Welcome to the perfect dinner party
(let me take your coat) sit down and try
table talk, literate and arty,
humour and martinis extra dry.
The guests, I'm sure, you will find quite delightful,
a combination of wits and raconteurs.
The food; not too pretentious or too frightful:
be a darling, pass round the hors-d'oeuvre.

Put on some music, something by Cole Porter,
not too loud it's just to set the mood.
See if the guests need topping with fire-water,
not too much, we do not want them stewed.
I'm sure that there are faces at the table
you recognise? This is such an assortment,
but theatre folk and writers are unstable;
a word on etiquette and on deportment:

When Mr. Niven decides to entertain us
(no doubt he will for talking is no chore)
with bawdy tales of the rich and famous,
act as if you've not heard them before.
If Mr. Coward should make some witty riposte
(no doubt he shall whenever something's said)
just smile politely, dignity not lost,
so what if his remark was over your head?

When in conversation with Dot Parker
(no doubt you will be if she lets you speak)
before the table's cleared of untouched starters
try the soup before it is antique.
Resist the urge, however strong the hanker
(for this, to them, would sound most awfully rude)
to ask them "What with all this jolly banter
who the bloody hell will eat the food?"