Great Writing - Home > SF > Haithalon (Prologue)
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1198 guests online and 3 members online
Science Fiction and Fantasy
Haithalon (Prologue)
By MovinForward
04 May 2008
Hi, this is the first part of a story I have been working on. I've posted this story on another site, so I decided to try posting it here too. I hope you enjoy it. The title of the story doesn't become revelant until the next chapter, if you're wondering. This world that the story takes place in is made up fully by me, as are the characters, names, etc.

This is Patharion, a land of life, and a land of death, as are all places. Time and water and rock shaped the land for centuries, and life flowed in a cycle. The land was at peace. The sun shone bright upon the mountains and plains, and the rain ran freely from the sky. Every form of life and animal had a place in the cycle, and time passed as the cycle continued on and on. But it could not last.


Humans came to Patharion from the lands to the west, and when they discovered Patharion, they wanted to be the rulers of the land. The human population grew, and slowly kingdoms were built. Nal Kuth, the city in the north, was the first to be built, but soon the cities of Gathion in the far south west and Vialark only a little more to the east of Gathion were made. For a while, the humans were content to keep what was theirs to themselves. But it took only one to end it. The King of Gathion wanted supplies from Vialark, but the Lords of Vialark wouldn’t give up their supplies. The King of Gathion grew angry, and sent an army to take control of the city and bring back what he wanted.


The siege of Vialark lasted for two months before the armies of Gathion were forced to retreat. The journey back through the desert took many more lives from the weakened soldiers. The city of Gathion was weak without a strong standing army, and Vialark seized their chance. Across the Balahain desert the army of Vialark marched. The army of five thousand soldiers reached Gathion two weeks later, and the forces of Gathion only held for a week. The city was overrun, and Vialark seized control of it. Now with two kingdoms, the Lords of the cities named their region Fathal, and it covered the South Western lands of Patharion.


More kingdoms rose as the years passed, and the city of Nal Kuth in the North flourished. Under the order of the Lords of Nal Kuth, the city of Hakef was created that lay in the northern foothills of the Hakor Mountains that lay in the center of Patharion. The city helped bring in valuable ores and materials from the mountains, and the humans delved deep into the mountains. But there lay their mistake. They awoke something, something that had not awoken in many centuries.


They came across strange human-like creatures. This race killed the miners and escaped the mountains and fled into the forest that lay next to the Hakor mountains. The people of Hakef called these things the Rathieo. The forest became dark, and was named the Shadowbark forest. The mining continued.


For years the land of Patharion began to change. Rains became scarce in the south west, and colds like never before plagued the north. More and more creatures were discovered in the depths of the mountains, from the goblins to the giants. The city of Hakef in the foothills of the Hakor Mountains stopped sending mining groups into the mountains. But they could not undo their actions. The goblins overran their city, and left a ruin as all that was left of the Hakef.


The south eastern lands of Patharion were reached and the kingdom of Aradais was made. Soon after came the city of Lorandel just west of Aradais.


More and more the humans built, and more and more they fought. Generations passed and the kingdoms grew and grew. It was five hundred and fifty years since the humans arrived in Patharion that something changed. The man named Xaith born in the barbarian city of Fulith traveled north with a group of followers, and there he had a new city built. He called it Demasorg. Not much was heard from the city; it conducted no trades like most. But rumors began to circulate the land. Forces of goblins and giants and other intelligent creatures were seen passing north. Bands of newcomers would enter the other cities for a few days and speak secretly to the people.


Many cast aside their homes and traveled north in huge numbers. For Xaith, the ruler of Demasorg, had promised them power. He had spread lies and images throughout Patharion. He promised that they would end the corrupt governments of Patharion and create one that worked together. And the people believed him, and they grew wild with his words. They wanted what he wanted; they cursed the people of the kingdoms when Xaith did, Xaith, their lord.


Xaith promised the goblins and the giants, and even the ogres, of land where they could live without being bothered. He promised them rich metals and resources. In the North, the armies of Demasorg grew. But it was secret; Xaith had planned it this way. He could not let the kingdoms figure out, or there was a possibility they would unite against him. For his power resided in singularity. If the cities did not unite, they would be destroyed.


Xaith began to fear that his army had been detected. His scouts reported that the city of Kalaif was sending spies close to Demasorg. Xaith knew it was time. Kalaif would be the first to fall. But Kalaif was enclosed by mountains on three sides, and the main entry was blocked by a river. Xaith led his army south and they entered the mountains. When they reached the river, Xaith had makeshift bridges laid down, and his army passed through. With power like no army before, Kalaif was caught in surprise and invaded within three hours.

The news of Kalaif’s destruction spread across Patharion, and Xaith grew fearful, for there were whispers of his name now. But the kingdoms were greedy, and Xaith saw no uniting between the kingdoms. He knew it was time to begin the conquest fully. Back in Demasorg, he readied his army for the long march ahead. They would travel south east, into the region of Kathalion, where the cities of Aradais and Lorandel resided. The march had begun. The hammer of Xaith was about to fall on Aradais. There wasn’t much time left.

Reviews

Written by Fledermaus (3160 comments posted) 3rd May 2008
That's a lot of information all at once, and though it makes a lot clear I do wonder if there couldn't be another way than to put this all in the prologue. Somehow it'd be nice if you could put all this into your story in some way. I liked the names. Often when people write fantasy, they just take things that have a nice ring to them, which then leads to a strange mix. Most of the names you used however seem to sound a bit 'Greek', which is very nice, as it shows some consistency... 
 
Some criticism I have though is about the following line: 
"and the humans delved deep into the mountains. But there lay their mistake. They awoke something, something that had not awoken in many centuries." 
 
This one is too much like Tolkien's description of the dwarves awakening the Balrog. It's a nice line, but it stands out a bit awkward here. 
 
A nice background story, but it might be a bit too much for a reader to memorize it all at once.

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

Next item