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By Katanga
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04 May 2008 |
I thought I might try to cheer myself, and you, up for the bank holiday?!
After a few attempts at fixed forms lately, this is my first go at 'Free Verse'.
Any comments really welcome!
Cheers! John X
Green Gumboots
We went out to your river in the woods
Not today
But a long time ago
In our comfortable anoraks
Everything was normal
The odd argument I suppose
And we had our green gumboots on
We had an awkward conversation
You dropped your words quiet
I did not understand
Soft and gentle they fell
Unheeded to the ground
Rebounded
And were taken by the wind
And nothing followed
We went our own ways after that
Separated in our longings
But why did you go back to the river
With its quiet banks
Without me
The spring began without you
I went back alone to the woods
No birds singing no natural cry
I waited until dusk
I thought of leaving
Then I remembered how you were
And who you might have been
And suddenly your words came back
That were lost in the woodland wind
I love you
I stand by the edge of the river
I lower my eyes to the swirling waters
I cry out
Where are you
But the wind has no reply
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wt
Written by wt (137 comments posted) 4th May 2008 |
Hello Katanga,
I hope you didn't take my earlier responses (w-----r) too seriously.
If the bar trotting poetry renditioning guitar playing hopster did take them to heart, then I duly apologize.
Regarding the above, I suggest that you start your free form with something more concise. Maybe one or two stanza at the most.
Enough said
Regards
Wt
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Written by Phil (7014 comments posted) 4th May 2008 | When I wrote my free verse bit earlier this week, I said I didn't know what made i work, but when I read it, I know....
This flows well - for all its lack of form, it does have a natural rhythm, a pulse, that pulls the reader through. I think (ha, like I'd know) that's half the job done.
I was a little put off by the many breaks and short 'verses.' (Are they still called verses?) Simply grouping your ideas into two, possibly three, main verses would give this more focus.
I really like the overall feel and flow from past, to present, to (empty) future. The emotion comes across strongly. I like.
May PM.
A very inexpert review!
Phil
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Written by Brett (1009 comments posted) 4th May 2008 | Tolstoy, you know that I am as experienced in free verse as Alan Bennett is in the Seattle Grunge scene, so all I can say is that there were pieces of this to enjoy (like Phil, I found it to have a rhythm - don't know if free verse should or not: then being free I suppose it can decide that for itself).
I like phrases that one can roll around one's mouth;
'Unheeded to the ground
Rebounded'
There's that internal rhyme (intentional or not?) and that aural relationship between 'unheeded' and 'rebounded' which seems neither assonance nor consonance, but is perfect all the same.
Cheers |
Written by Phil (7014 comments posted) 4th May 2008 | Re-edit: I think even better, but then I would!
Phil | What Can I Say?
Written by Katanga (1552 comments posted) 4th May 2008 |
wt - no harm done - but then again, I have never taken you seriously, nor do I ever intend to. Ha!
Phil - thank you, I'm much more comfortable with it now.
Brett - thank you as well. Yes, I'm reluctant to admit that any internal stuff is entirely intentional - I agonise over the precise choice of word and how it 'resonates', both semantically and phonetically, with the rest of the piece.
It's great that you point it out - I shall be even more on my guard for clumsinesses in the future.
Cheers All!
T |
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