This was written as a quick exercise (playing with viewpoint). It incorporates just about everything my last poem rallied against - rhyming scheme, trad form (Keats sonnet?) and an attempt at meter (too fixed? Too wandering?). Proof you shouldn't mock that which you don't understand  .
I've probably made a hash of all that, so, any pointers appreciated.
Well, look who it is, the old absentee,
full of your tales of permanent print,
expecting the earth, and acting all casual
as if I was carved from the heart of a tree
while you amble in, without even a hint
of where you've been in all of this time.
You think I hung around to wait for your call?
I'm not anchored by pixels...I'm out, floating free
of your harbouring eyes, as they struggle and squint
at my letters arranged for the hell of it all.
I was off with a lover, streaming down-line,
where it's all immaterial, yet just real enough.
But I guess, now you're here, we'll both intertwine
in one final sweet ripple of meaningless stuff.
|
Written by wt (137 comments posted) 6th May 2008 | not quite meaningless enough!
broken arrow?
wt  |
Written by Brett (781 comments posted) 6th May 2008 | I certainly like the rhyming scheme, Nathan. Not quite sure what you mean in your intro about Keats Sonnet (Keats did write an awful lot in the form of Spenser, so I wasn't sure if you meant a spenserian sonnet ).
Whilst I found this a surprising, and refreshing change in your style (as no doubt you would if I ever get round to that free verse) and the poem flows very well, I did have a little trouble reading the final line in the same tetrametric beat as the rest of the poem. But I have realised that is a mistake on my part and that it does indeed flow as well as the rest.
And as for the content - defiant, challenging, and even resigned. I like it. |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (626 comments posted) 6th May 2008 | | I liked the contemporary feel. I wonder whether you really needed to break this up into three-line stanzas becuase some of the thoughts ran through between them. But that is up to you. "anchored by pixels" and "harbouring eyes" worked well for me, and the first line too! |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 6th May 2008 | Liked it too. V's comment about 'contemporary feel' kind of does the reviewing for me. If it was a room it would be minimalist with the odd bit of brushed stainless steel. It definitely does have an up to the minute feel to it - not just the references to pixels and such either.
Liked.
Phil | Thanks all!
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 7th May 2008 | Wt: I guess it's impossible to string two letters together without signifying something to somebody. I think you're paying a compliment though, so thanks. Not sure what you meant by 'broken arrow'? Other than a Neil Young album?? Or, is it just an 'accidental event'?
Brett: Well I haven't done my homework very well, but I wrote this using some software I downloaded for free, called Verseperfect. It has a number of verse forms available as templates and the one I used was called 'Keats Sonnet'. 'Spenserian Sonnet' is also listed so the two aren't identical.
I have just googled the phrase 'Keats Sonnet' and my poem comes up in the top ten results, so it's not an over-used phrase! There is a description of it here:
http://allpoetry.com/column/show/1696221
which says it is a variation of the english sonnet, and is not restricted to iambic meter. It seems to be defined by it's rhyming scheme of abc, abd, cab, cde, de and the layout (4 tercets and one closing couplet).
Thankyou for your other comments. I often find when I'm reading a fixed meter that I have to stop and re-read bits because I'm thrown out of rhythm, it happens with published poems, not just online stuff. This is perhaps why I'm less than confident about my own.
Yes, the last line...the phrase 'one final sweet ripple' has to sort of roll off the tongue almost as one word.
Veronica: Yes, you're right about the line breaks. If I'd been writing without a formal template I would have structured it differently. It would be probably be the worse for it, though! I'm starting to think I need some sort of template to keep me in check.
Phil: I really like the way you've compared it to a room, not that any of that was in my mind when I wrote it, but it's another possibility of how to approach a poem...asking yourself what sort of room, or house, or street this poem would be. This one is minimalist 'cos there ain't much going on! |
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