Ah’s cu’ yam frae trainin’  wi’ t’ SAS wi’ a few new ideas.

Hast ivver thowt on yon political gadgies? Whit a wazzock ye hevta be tae tek that job on! How diz a normal, red-blooded feller git t’idea he wants ter be a politician aw ‘is life? Tellin’ other folk how ter live their lives, when he knaws nowt?

Some on ‘em in Parliament hevn’t ivver done a stroke in their life. They cemm oot o’ school and went intull a University an’ learnt aboot Politics. Dista knaw, tha can pass University examin-ations wi forty per cent? That means tha didn’t knaw sixty percent o’ t’answers. Then tha went fer a job wi’ a council or as a Parliamen-tary Ree-searcher. Or else tha read a few books on law an’ went solicitin’.

Now sees-ta, ivverybody hates politicians. Ye’d think a feller wi’ any brains wad tek one look at a job as ivverybody hates, an’ decide he isn’ gonna dee it. He’d hev ter be a banana to try it. They cum green, they turn yeller, they hing aboot in bunches, an’ they’re nivver straight. But there’s six hunderd an’ fifty bananas hingin' aboot down at Westminster and we’re lettin’ ‘em mek our laws!

Ah think it’s high time we declared uni-lateral inde-pendence.

Nora’s Laws

1. Naebody as wants to be a politician will ivver be allowed to be yan.

2. Naebody will ivver be allowed to be a politician if they ken nowt about farmin’.

3. Government busy-ness and legis-lation will be limited to a fine spell between t’end o’ lambin’ and start o’ haytime.

4. T’Cumbrian Parliament will hevta move te a fresh spot ivvery year. Gosforth, Barrow, Ambleside, Shap, Silloth. All proceedin’s ter tek place standin’ up, in’t open air. Rain’s warm enuff in May an’ June, MPs’ll tek nae harm.

It’s gey simple: if we can get at ‘em, we can aa tell ‘em straight out what we think o’ t’ new ideas they’re tryin’ ter fetch in. If MPs on’y work six weeks in a year, then by, they’ll hev ter crack on and tackle t’big stuff, as folk thowt mattered. Won't that keep a lot o’ petty laws from ivver clutterin’ up our lives?

An’ we won’t stand fer any nonsense about their salaries eether. MPs can git a proper job for t’other forty-six weeks o’t year.

5. Think on – t’whole o’t country cud kick oot a’ them windbags. An’ then, Whitehall cud be turned into flats, Downin’ Street into a Disney theme park, an’ t’Houses o’ Parliament, bein’ handy for’ t’river, cud be turned into a brewery.

Yrs Grimly

Nora Forthright