Thought I'd have a go at creating some really appalling characters. Written for video, more to follow.
15/5/08 I've added a new scene to the start of this piece.
SCENE 1
Ext. Night. A young couple, GILES and NATASHA are walking through a street, dressed for a night out. They pass a security van, where a guard is getting out from the passenger side. He is strongly built and is chewing gum. NATASHA giggles and he wolf-whistles at her.
NATASHA
(To the security guard)
Get lost, you rude man.
SECURITY GUARD
Whoah-hahaha, see ya later darlin'.
GILES
(Puts a comforting arm around NATASHA)
Don't worry about him Sugarplops. He's just a big buffoon.
NATASHA rolls her eyes heavenwards and they walk on. As they go past a parked car Giles pushes its nearside wing mirror back. They look at each other and grin mischievously.
Fade out.
SCENE 2
Int. Day. NATASHA and GILES are sitting on a sofa in a studio flat. The room contains a double bed, a chest of drawers, a giant teddy bear and some smaller soft toys. Next to the bed is a table with a telephone.
NATASHA
That was a super prank you played Cockles.
GILES
I know Flummyjubs. It was so easy.
NATASHA
And look what happened.
GILES
Yep, he doesn't notice I've flipped his nearside wing mirror.
NATASHA
And bingo! He goes onto the motorway.
GILES
And crashes, because he doesn't see the bike overtaking from the inside. The stupid dope.
They fall back onto the sofa, roaring with laughter. When they calm down GILES puts his arm round NATASHA, and she starts stroking his forehead.
NATASHA
Ooh my clever little Gilesey-Wilesey. Remember old Mr Johnson downstairs? You took his medical report from the post. That was so funny.
GILES
Yes Natts, I remember.
NATASHA
And he missed his urgent hospital appointment.
GILES
Er, he died three weeks later.
They look at each other in mock solemnity.
NATASHA
(Gleefully)
And I WON THE BET! That was such a wheeze. I wonder what we can do now?
GILES
Why don't we rob a bank Baby Cakes?
NATASHA
What, on our own? Too risky. You could mug that security guard we saw last night.
GILES
Yep. And get lots of money.
NATASHA
And then I could let you consummate our relationship.
GILES
Phwoah, I'm on for that!
Fade out.
SCENE 3
Int. Night. The same room where NATASHA is sitting alone on the sofa. GILES bursts in, carrying a briefcase.
GILES
That was too easy.
NATASHA
What... you've got it?
GILES
Yup. (Holds up the briefcase.) A good day's work here.
NATASHA
How much?
GILES
A lot! Lets see...
GILES sits on the bed and opens the briefcase. NATASHA joins him.
NATASHA
(Looking slightly disappointed)
Must be about 3 grand here.
GILES
We're rich!
NATASHA
Yes... very rich.
NATASHA grabs a bundle of £20 notes and stuffs it down her bra.
GILES
I need a poo after that. Back in a mo.
GILES exits. NATASHA picks up the phone and dials.
NATASHA
Hello... Is that the police? Er, it's my boyfriend, I think he's just mugged someone. He came home with rather a lot of money... About 2 grand... Giles Winkleman... Flat B, 21 Truelove Way... You'll send someone around?... Yes... Yes... I'll be right here... Two minutes, OK... Bye.
She puts the phone down, takes more money from the briefcase and hides it in a drawer. She goes to the sofa and sits down. GILES enters the room and sits next to her. Shortly 3 policemen burst in.
1ST POLICEMAN
Mr Giles Winkleman, we are arresting you on suspicion of armed robbery. You have the right to remain silent but it may harm your defence if you fail to mention, when questioned, something you rely on later in court. Anything you say may be used in evidence.
GILES
OK, I see.
2ND POLICEMAN gestures to GILES and he stands up.
GILES
So, what happens now?
2ND POLICEMAN
To the custody suite!
GILES
Oh that's nice.
NATASHA
(forcing a couple of sobs).
I'm so sorry my little squirrel. I love you. Take care of yourself in prison. Goodbye.
3RD POLICEMAN handcuffs himself to GILES as 1ST POLICEMAN gets the briefcase. NATASHA blows her lover a kiss as the four men exit, leaving her on her own. She sits down and dries her eyes.
SCENE 4
Int. Night. NATASHA is sitting alone in the flat.
There is a knock on the door. She opens it and the security guard from Scene 1 enters. NATASHA squeals with delight and hugs him enthusiastically.
NATASHA
Bradley, I've got rid of him. He's been arrested. He'll surely go to prison. I'm free!
She starts unbuttoning BRADLEY's shirt and then leads him to the bed where she frantically sets about kissing him.
NATASHA
Ooh, look at those muscles! I bet you could carry a few bars of gold bullion. I've got plans for you, my great big Huggalump. Lets have hot steamy sex all night!
Fade out as she continues kissing BRADLEY.
To be continued...
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3174 comments posted) 12th May 2008 | Well you've certainly created some wonderfully appalling characters. I've noticed that comedy seems to be moving that way, far more character orientated .It's usually played fairly straight relying on the contrast between the mundane situation and ridiculous complications that the characters get into because of their irredeemably awful personalities. I like the way that ,here, their greed and immorality actually trips them up [with Giles anyway] but they still go blindly on. It's important that they can never learn from their mistakes,it's where the humour lies.
The beginning scene where they are using pet names while planning some bad deed reminded me of the Pumpkin/ Honeybun scene in Pulp Fiction with the same result .
I think you could do more with these characters, but up the ante even more .Just watch "Ideal" or "Trailer Park Boys" which are in the same mould but make the situations even more awful and build on them
I'm sure you could do more with them,now that you have established them.
One thing I think you should do is introduce the security guard earlier. I know you mentioned him but it would be a better end if we knew him when he popped up at the end.
Hope to see more
jane |
Written by Livinginanattic (454 comments posted) 12th May 2008 | Thanks for taking the time to review this Jane. I'll have to check out your references, and work on another short scene for the security guard.
I've been working on some further episodes but so far they seem a bit flat, probably because I haven't focused enough on their awfulness. You've given me a few ideas to work on now. Thanks again,
Ben |
Written by coosh (822 comments posted) 13th May 2008 | Nice the way you keep your scripts simple and easy to follow - clarity from the outset, insofar it's possible, is very important. It started off as an apparently dippy, Sloanie 'Bonnie and Clyde' (with a pre-House Hugh Laurie), and ended up as a posh version of Linda Fiorentino in "The Last Seduction".
I think the humour needs to be blacker - there's nothing wrong with someone standing over a fresh corpse, for example, enjoying Pimms and cucumber sandwiches, and explaining to their co-murderer where they've gone wrong, the tell-tale signs of things like "blood spatter", and how they need to try harder next time.
Details like "Flummyjubs" were good. Would like to have seen more of how she'd originally seduced him into all this (plus the introduction of the security guard earlier, as has been said). Liked the way she was disappointed with 3 grand (stereotypically, the impression is that these people would be seriously loaded in the first place). Pity "old Mr. Johnson downstairs" wasn't a double-entendre (or not) - certainly characters worth pursuing. |
Written by Livinginanattic (454 comments posted) 13th May 2008 | Thanks for the crit, Coosh. I did see Giles as being a bit like Hugh Laurie's Bertie Wooster at times. I had wondered if the humour was a bit too black but may well put a corpse or two in the following episodes. The Pimms and cucumber sandwiches could make an appearance too.
Cheers,
Ben |
Written by Phil (6435 comments posted) 14th May 2008 | I know nothing about scripts really - but I suppose the trick is to see it being performed. In some ways this made me think of the two characters in Katherine Taite who tell each other inane stories and fall about laughing. Like Jane said, very character driven. Can't disagree with the above really - and they both know much more than I do about scripting and comedy.
Interested to see more.
Phil |
Written by Livinginanattic (454 comments posted) 15th May 2008 | | Thanks for your comments Phil. |
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