|
By michymosh
|
|
10 May 2008 |
He was walking along minding his business in a bit of a day dream. The white van pulled up a little way in front two men got out and headed for him. Why, he didn't know them had never seen them before. They got on either side of him and dragged him to the back doors of the van. He was kicking and screaming out "what the fuck are you doing" He got a punch in the belly. That shut him up.
"Shut the fuck up and get in the back now" The puncher groweled. The doors were slammed shut and the van set off again. He was sweating now and couldn't stop shaking. What the hell is going on why are they doing this to me. hes mind was racing. After just a short trip 'downhill' the van stopped and the doors were swung open. They were outside of the pub 'the Engineers' it looked to be busy he wondered if they were friends of 'friends' would he be getting a pint? He was dragged inside and as soon as he opened his mouth 'SMACK' he was shut up again. Take him down the cellar someone called from behind the bar and he was dragged through the door and more or less kicked down the steps. No pint then he thought still his brain racing 'what have I done' what do I know, have I said something I shouldn't. What the fuck can't do much about it now. He tried to fight but what was the point there were 5 men now all shouting at once and kicking thumping scratching thud thud thud went his head his legs his body. What did I do ? they wouldn't let him utter a word. He was unconsious now and being dragged back up the cellar steps. He was battered and bruised, scuffed and scratched, bleeding from his ears,nose,mouth. His blood was on the walls of the white washed cellar and trailed up the steps. There was an empty syringe on the floor. He was thrown back in the van and taken back where he started. He was taken to a house and laid on the settee.
He was found the next day, he was dead, had died of a heroin overdose, why was he bruised and bleeding, why was he in the wrong house, why did no one help him, why did no one come forwards who was in the pub. WHY WHY WHY.
Well looks like they got away with murder it's been forgot about now 8 years have passed. WHY WHY WHY....
|
Written by obsidian_amethyst (31 comments posted) 15th May 2008 | There is a lot of graphic description in this piece.
For me, there was too much swearing for this length of a story but others would have different opinions.
The use of onomatopoeia is carefully placed but to improve you need to check the punctuation in some places especially commas.
Well done and I hope this helps.
OA |
Written by obsidian_amethyst (31 comments posted) 15th May 2008 | | Sorry I mad a mistake, the 'length of a story' should be 'length of the story'. My fault - typing too fast! |
Written by Mr_E_Writer (143 comments posted) 29th May 2008 | Michymosh, hello.
I found your writing style detached, very matter of fact, and due to this your story failed to engage me.
Also, your grammar, spelling and punctuation leave a lot to be desired.
I have no idea how many times you use the word “why” (including in your title), but not once did you use a question mark. E.g.: WHY?
You have a few spelling mistakes, i.e. Groweled - Growled. Unconsious - Unconscious . Hes - He’s.
You have a complete lack of punctuation in some places, notably where you repeat the same word, e.g.: Thud thud thud & Why why why. Should read, Thud, thud, thud, etc.
I don’t have the time or inclination to critique the whole story, but here is a quick edit of your opening paragraph.
He was walking along minding his business in a bit of a day dream (bad grammar and zero punctuation makes this very ambiguous). The (this is the first mention of the van, so describing it as the definitive article is a mistake) white van pulled up a little way in front two men got out and headed for him (again, no punctuation). Why (question mark), he didn't know them had never seen them before (again, no punctuation). And so on and so forth.
Although you could use different and possibly more interesting words, I’ll stick with what you wrote and just reshape them a tad.
He was in a bit of a day dream, just walking along minding his business when a white van pulled up a little way in front. Two men got out and headed for him. Why? He didn't know them; he’d never seen them before. They got on either side of him and dragged him to the back doors of the van. He was kicking and screaming out, "What the fuck are you doing?" He got a punch in the belly. That shut him up.
On the subject of different words: He received a punch to the stomach…
Regards,
helpful Eric.
|
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
