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By Veronica_Milvus
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11 May 2008 |
I really can only write first thing in the morning. Anyway, Khayyam and Shakespeare both get acknowledgements on this one.
ROSEBUD RUBAIYAT
Rosebud gathering has never been
in my life's pilgrimage, a major theme.
Long have I journeyed through the shuttered halls
while others dallied in the greenwood green.
The blowsy roses flower in full spate
While summer's lease has but too short a date
but work and study have imprisoned me
I stand, reflecting, at the garden gate.
I'd pluck the roses that still flourish there
and weave a garland for my silvering hair
to breathe their perfume while I still have breath!
Or a coffin's wreath will use my roses fair.
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Written by Phil (6387 comments posted) 11th May 2008 | I can't comment on this as a rubaiyat - as I don't know what one is.
This has a very wistful feel around it - not just in the words - but in the cadence you've created. Very effective. I liked it very much. For me, poems work best when form and content fuse to create something a little more than the parts - and that's what happened for me here.
One crit - the second line felt just a little awkward in the word order you chose. May just be me.
Loved this one.
Phil |
Written by mia_ms_kim (891 comments posted) 11th May 2008 | I can relate to this poem. I, too, was too shut in with things I was pursuing (including much study) and was blind to the beauty life had to offer. I, too, belatedly try to embrace it before it is too late.
The use of the word "pilgrimage" and "journeyed" were effective for me. It gave me a sweeping view of the subject's life. "I stand, reflecting, at the garden gate." This was another effective image as if the subject has the choice to enter or to pass by.
The last stanza was sort of sad. "to breathe their perfume while I still have breath!" - this line to me sums up the poem. Someone once said to me, "We can reach for the stars in the sky, and miss the roses at our feet." That spoke volumes to me.
Made me think again, Veronica.
Mia  |
Written by Brett (479 comments posted) 11th May 2008 | I would not have expected anything other than perfect Rubyait from you, V. A very moving piece particularly, as Mia has said, the final stanza.
Cheers | Phil
Written by Veronica_Milvus (455 comments posted) 11th May 2008 | I can't describe a rubaiyat too well except that each stanza is called a rubai, it is an Arabic form, and the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam is the only "proper" one I know. I can't describe the metre, but it doesn't seem to me to be iambic (help please patterjack!) and always sounded to me like a military drum roll of some sort. The rhyme scheme is, a a b a, and the form seems to like wistful, philosphical and nature-based themes.
Omar Khayyam's long poem is to be recommended to anyone. It's got the "moving finger writes and having writ, moves on" in it as well as the "jug of wine, a loaf of bread and thou". It is an all time favourite of mine. | I like this very much
Written by patterjack (1060 comments posted) 11th May 2008 | and I am not being drogatory when I say that anything that smacks of the wonderful Omar is immediately looked on with favour. He is perhaps a litle less regretful thn you are in this piece, however.
Out an celebrate with wine and roses -- not to forget the odd hyacinth
FitzGerald seems pretty iambic to me -- as is your poem -- but perhaps you could confirm it with some other ?
patterjack
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