It's dog eat dog out there, you see,

Said my friend Derek

(Name changed for legal reasons)

As we watched starving Africans

On wide screen LCD TV

A bleeding heart liberal he called me,

When I limply suggested we,

Or at least somebody,

Should do something, soon.

Always keen to learn and develop myself

In the advertising interval,

I smashed in Derek's skull
With a bust of Churchill

(Blunt instrument changed for legal reasons)

I'd always liked Derek's shiny TV,

His car, and three of his northern soul CDs

And although I don't objectify his pretty girlfriend Sue

I rather begrudged him her too.

As Derek slumped forward on to his knees,

I had to ignore his pitiful pleas

For an ambulance.

But I knew he would have been proud of me

Scar tissue forming over my bleeding heart.