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By Daphnerules
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11 May 2008 |
At my School this poem was put up for over a month on the best work board ! So i now wish to share this true, great poem with you all.........
WINTRY DOOM
Blustery, banishing, bitter
The raging roaring waves
The Ice Queen frozen to the core,
The howling starts up, once more.
The chapped lips of the woman walking by.
Her galsses steamed up like the windscreen so close,
The bad tempered wind,
The treacherous drop,
The wind keeps on blowing..... it just won't stop
The chapped lips of the woman walking by.
The drizzle patters down then, freezing into snow as it hits the perishing sea,
The waves are charging like a volcano hotting up with a loud 1......2.......3...!!!!
The force of the white horses come up,
The sea is as stern as the air.
Misty, fog
Dull, dark, gloom
Sea, old, wintry doom.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3141 comments posted) 11th May 2008 | It's funny, I'm reading this with all the windows open and the sun reflecting off the screen and a huge cold drink on the table. Just finding it really hard to empathise with wintry doom.
I'll try:-
You've conjured up the feeling quite well in short, sharp, staccato images, perhaps a little overdone in the third verse, and there's a typo "sten" which needs clarifying
cheers
jane |
Written by Josie (2500 comments posted) 11th May 2008 | | Daphne: I think teachers are not teaching children about metre in poetry are they? I think it is because they haven't learnt it themselves. I know your teacher liked it, but for me, when you just have three words like "dull, dark, gloom" (good words no doubt) and then "The drizzle line" - it is all out of alignment. You ought to go to "iambic metre" on the internet and learn how to get metre into your work. I do hope you don't mind my saying this. It is not a criticism but hopefully, helpful. I have to say that you have good descriptions and good alliteration, but it's just that I think you need more structure. I hope this really helps. You are not the only one here who has this problem. | hi, Daphne
Written by Bagheera (679 comments posted) 11th May 2008 | *evil grin from grammar pedant let loose with blue pencil*
I don't think of myself as a poet, and there are many GW folk better than me at writing verse........
There are a number of typos and spelling errors which others have mentioned, so I won't rake over old ground. You need to read through, though, before you post because spellings tend to leap straight off the page , particularly in poetry.
One of my uni tutors, Matt Simpson, described poetry as "The skill of saying as much as possible in the least possible number of words". This can be aplied to non-rhyming [blank] verse, but I go with Jane [BBS] and Josie regarding the need for RHYTHM in verse - also blank/unrhymed verse!]   | grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!
Written by Bagheera (679 comments posted) 11th May 2008 | | "aplied" = "applied" [dyslexic fingers!] | fine
Written by Daphnerules (28 comments posted) 12th May 2008 | thanks all for your comments yep i am sorting out the spellings right now
i do kind of think thats not ok about the rythm as i like it you can't really tell me what my poem should have it's all about me the way i write it
thanks anyway but it's true it has the authors touch i have now many more poems and they have a nice beat
authors touch
daphne x  |
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