Like so many things these days, art has become so over-intellectualized that most humans, being the assholes that you are (see chapter 2), have been suckered into believing only “special” people (academics, gallery owners, critics, dilettantes, etc) know what constitutes “good” art. These sorts of people, of course, have a financial interest in telling you what to like and why you should like it. Mostly, it’s all bullshit.

You are probably wondering, “What the hell does a dog know about art?” That’s a valid question, and I’ll indulge your sorry ass by answering, it the same way 99.9 percent of you humans would: “I don’t know squat about art, but I know what I like.” In order to like art, the first thing you need to know is what art is and is not.

For me, Immanuel Kant and Oscar Wilde provide the best ideas of what art is all about: uselessness. Now, don’t hang a negative connotation on “uselessness;” Kant and Wilde meant that art is “intrinsically final:” its appeal is imaginative and serves no practical purpose except the “cultivation of the human spirit.” For you, art could mean something different; of course, then you would be wrong, and I would be better than you. I joke.

For many humans, art really is a question of “what kind of art can I spend my money on that will make me look like I’m sophisticated and impress other people?” This is where I can help.

Art FAQs

Q. Where can I get the best art bargains?
A. Garage sales, Wal-Mart, any middle school

Q. What are cubism, minimalism, and other modern-art isms?
A. They are special branches of art for people who don’t know how to draw.

Q. What is an Artist?
A. Anyone who has flunked out of college.

Q. Is performance art really an art?
A. Absolutely not. Performance art is pubic masturbation.

Q. What is good art?
A. Good art costs $50,000 or more.

Q. Are “art” and “craft” the same.
A. No. Craftspeople actually make a living.

I’ll end this chapter with a quote from G.K. Chesterton:
“Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere.”

Chapter 14 summary:
Art is useless, Useless is good, Kant and Wilde know their art, Draw a line