Strange Bedfellows - The Play

 
Scene and Lighting A darkened curtained bedroom with a king size bed
A single panel of light playing on the bed through a gap in heavy dark curtains.
Heaps and scatters of hurriedly discarded clothes around the bed
 
Characters Mimi , Theresa and  Sonny are all in the one bed
Mimi and Theresa-thirty something girls -appearance not  crucial
Sonny, a big man, with a big belly and a broad crescent scar running
right to left across his back,

Scene One

 
Action All are prone  - only Mimi and Theresa are awake
 
Mimi (up on one elbow facing Theresa) The difficult thing about getting dying cancer patients to appear on television is that unless they're a card carrying equity member we just can't use them."
 
Theresa  (sits up in their bed as if stung) My mum had cancer, she was on television, she never had no card, you're a bloody liar
 
Mimi There's always one slips through the net - I grant you - I audition them, it's my job
 
Theresa Nobody ‘d ‘ave a job like that, you don't, - you're just a sick liar
 
Mimi Well - it's no lie, with tubes in place,and drips plastered to their noses, they look the part - everybodies happy
 
Theresa  Must be something wrong with yer, you're a ghoul if that's ‘ow you earn your living,
 
Mimi OK, what about you then, I guarantee you're no better than me.
 
Theresa  I told you last night .... You seemed interested enough when yer and yer charming boyfriend ‘ere were chatting me up
 
Mimi I do remember but I've forgotten for the moment, God, it's dark in this room. Is he still asleep?
 
Theresa   Me, I'm an Ambulance Driver
 
Mimi   Ah, an Ambulance Driver  - so, you save lives?
 
Theresa   Not so's yer'd know, my passegers are already dead
 
Mimi So why ambulance drive them? Where do you take these dead bodies?
 
Theresa I drive for the Pristei, I drive ‘em in circles round and round and round, and then I take ‘em back.
 
Mimi That makes a lot of sense,.... NOT.....Just for the record though -  he's not my boyfriend,
I met him, just like I met you, for the very first time  -  last night.  
 
Theresa   See, you are sick, who else but a sad sicko like you would shack up in bed with ter people she'd only just met?
 
Mimi Well,.......you did
 
**********************************************
 
Sonny turns in his sleep, grunts himself surprised awake. Sits up in bed, grins, looks right and left, right again. His grin grows to be a broad smile.
 
Sonny Hi and what are you two warring about ?
 
Mimi Nothing, denara, what time do you have to get up?
 
Sonny I go whenever I want to go, I'm with the Ministry
 
Theresa  (pulls coverlet tighter makes the sign of the cross-wails) Oh, my gawd, yer a man of the cloth !
 
Sonny (laughing) No, Not that sort of Ministry, a Government Ministry, - I told you both all about it last night.
 
Theresa I don't remember that
 
Mimi Nor Me neither -well, we were all pretty slaughtered last night
 
Sonny  So what were you two arguing about really,  I was well cosy - dreaming of maxing out all my credit cards, but you two were louuuud ! - you were really having a ding-dong
 
Mimi We were just talking about our jobs. Was nothing really.
 
Theresa (angry) Weren't bloody talking, She was lying, she was lying about ‘er job
 
Mimi Enough. I was telling the truth,  - it's what I do
 
Sonny What's your job?
 
Mimi ( exasperated) Why doesn't anybody listen to anybody these days? Like I didn't tell you and...( jabbing a finger at Theresa)..... I didn't tell you either, all last night, I cast cancer sufferers for TV ads
 
Theresa  Except they ain't real, they're bloody phonies -ain't they? -tell ‘im
 
Mimi So you're saying that you would prefer we put real sufferers through all the TV shame and humiliation?
 
Sonny (rolls over pressing Mimi into Theresa-  his back is  to them, words over his shoulder carrying to the two women) So, if they're not real cancer patients, then who are they?
 
The sunlit panel picks out his scar, it still looks recent, livid purple with the margin around the stitches white skin against ebony skin .
 
Mimi Actors, luvvy, they're actors
 
Sonny So the whole things cooked up then?
 
Mimi Of course
 
Sonny (rapidly- excitedly) My government department. We're looking for a new project. If I cared anymore this'd do nicely. It'd be huge - PRCP we'd call it. Project PRCP or PRCPTV.  Process Real Cancer Patients for TV.  Interfacing a whole new army of government personnel - checking out claims with GP's and specialists. Equity applications on compassionate grounds. Tribunals. .Appeals. Posthumous awards. Compensation claims. Co-ordinating, cross referencing.Formalising IT systems. Forms, more forms, Reports, reports, reports about reports. It' s brilliant. -I must get to a phone
 
Mimi, from under her pillow, and Theresa offer Sonny their mobiles.
 
Sonny takes both their proferred phones, and he presses buttons on both which illuminates them. He studies the lit devices.
 
Releasing Mimi he sits up in the bed.
 
Mimi Well?" (when it becomes apparent Sonny isn't doing anything)
 
Theresa I knew you weren' gonna make that bloody call
 
Sonny Under other circumstances I would, it's really not important anymore, not today
                               
Theresa You, you're a bleedin' typical civil servant, wasting our tax money on you being that bloody decisive?
 
Mimi leans behind Sonny inspecting his back with her fingers. She shifts clothes and finds a small bedside lamp. She turns it on and turns the flex head closer to the marks from the surgery.
 
Mimi (voice, heavy with concern) Who did this to you? it looks so angry. It's cracked and bled crusty, some stitches have broken, others are not even in the right place, what have they done here?  - Theresa, What say you have a look at this, you being in the medical profession"
 
Theresa  Whoa, I never did say I was actually in the medical profession, I'm little more'n a chauffeur
 
Mimi You never did explain, you just drive in a circle?
 
Theresa  S' complicated, I'll tell yer later
 
Mimi We have time, not like we're going anywhere.  He's crashed out again, at least he doesn't snore
 
*************************************************************
Theresa You know the Pristei religion, that's ‘oo I drive for
 
Mimi The Pristei, aren't they some weird cult in Chelsea?
 
Theresa  Not just Chelsea, they're everywhere, an' they own most of London's Riverside rented apartments and penthouses, they make their money by letting ‘em out
 
 
Mimi I thought that was the Jews
 
Theresa  It was,  was the Jews long ago. These days it's the Pristei
 
Mimi So these Pristeis, this is the bunch that looks like Old World Quakers
 
Theresa Yep, with a bit of fiddler on the roof fashion thrown in
 
Mimi I still don't get it, why drive their bodies around?
 
Theresa Promise you won't tell no one?
 
Mimi Cross my heart, hope to die
 
Theresa I need a bloody pee, tell you when I get back - where's the toilet ‘ere?
 
Mimi I don't know, I thought this was your place
 
Theresa  Where ever d'you get that in yer ‘ead, I thought it was your gaff, we'd better wake ‘im up
 
Sonny takes some waking, Mimi and Theresa start gently then increasingly stronger pulling at his other shoulder, the one without the angry welt. Eventually they desist -  he will not be roused.
 
 
Theresa Sod it, ‘e's dead to the world, I've gotta go, I'll find it
 
Theresa steps from the bed, letting natural daylight flood into the room as she turns the door handle.
 
Theresa  If I'm not back in twenny minutes, send out a search party
 
 
She gathers up a dress she hopes is hers, holds it against her and marches away down the corridor.
 

Mimi's  mobile is still in Sonnys giant paw, it flashes 11.32 a.m

 
********************************************************
Mimi (Talking and shaking Sonny ) C'mon baby wake up C'mon baby wake up
Mimi (louder)  C'mon baby wake up 
 
Sonny sits up suddenly, drops her mobile, his right hand clenches into an aggressive fist.
 
Mimi (reclaiming her phone)  Glad you're with us. This place -  it's your home?
 
Sonny ( unballs his fist, taps his nose)  er .......No,  it's not mine,  -hold on a minute------- were'nt there two of you - or did I just dream that ?
 
Mimi No, you're right , she's gone, she's off to the toilet
 
Sonny What's her name?
 
Mimi Theresa, it was round her neck. Saved me having to ask.
 
Sonny I'm Sonny
 
Mimi Well, I know that
 
Sonny So how come I don't know your name?
 
Mimi You do, it's Mimi
 
Sonny What's that short for?"
 
Mimi It's not
 
Sonny OK, so that's the introductions over, mind if I go back to sleep now?
 
Mimi (puts a strong  hand on Sonny shoulder) I do actually. I've got a one o clock appointment in town
 
Sonny (Sonny extracts himself from Mimi's grasp and tries to lie down again)  So have I
 
 
Mimi Whereabouts?
 
(no reply-)
 
Mimi (louder) Whereabouts?
 
Sonny Golden Square, Piccadilly
 
Mimi Is your first name Evanson?
 
Sonny Yes
 
Mimi Well, well. What a small world, we don't either of us have to go to Golden Square
 
Sonny What, I'm due to see you! Tell me that this isn't happening
 
Mimi It was fate, Kismet perhaps brought us two together.  So if you're down to see me you must have yourself an Equity card?  Didn't you say that you were a Civil Servant though?
 
(And then to Theresa as she re-enters the room)
 
Mimi Hey you Theresa - guess what; this man and me, we're due to meet up in town in an hours time, not last night at all. Did you find the toilet?
 
Theresa Yeah, I foun' it, and what a dirty shithole it was, ‘ow do you live like this?
 
Sonny Don't ask me - it's not my place
 
 Mimi Turns out he's an Actor too.
 
Sonny Not quite an Actor
 
Theresa You on the fringe, mate?
 
Sonny(stepping into large white "Y" fronts) You could say that  - I organise London conferences for the Government Ministers. They gave me a card as I'm on screen sometimes pinning on microphones, handing out clipboards and suchlike
 
Mimi So why come to see me?
 
Sonny I have cancer
 
Mimi Oh, I didn't realise, that explains why you were flashing your money about all last night, as if it was your last day on earth,
 
Theresa I thought the bar was going to run out of champagne the way you was buying it for everyone.
 
Mimi Now I know why you were spending money like that, I wish I didn't -  I'm sorry, really -truly sorry
 
Theresa  So you're like me mum, dying from Cancer?
 
Sonny Yes
 
Mimi Cancer -well, if something else doesn't get to us first we'd all get it eventually
    
Mimi is the only one in bed now.
 
Theresa searches underneath her side of the bed for her Ambulance keys and after some seconds her fingers come up with them.
 
Theresa  ‘Cept the Pristei.
 
(Mimi's turns to watch Sonny. He doesn't look as if he understands any better than her.)
 
Theresa Pristei don't accept there is Death and they don't accept there is Cancer. That's why I drive them around.
 
Theresa  (to Mimi) You said you'd keep a secret.
 
Theresa - (to Sonny) - What about you?
 
Sonny What sort of secret?
 
Theresa Does it matter? You're dying. You ain't in a position to be picky
 
Sonny  You make a good point, OK I'll keep your secret
 
Theresa Good. Okay - here it is. There's two of us, my partner and me. He should have phoned by now  (pushes buttons on her mobile)  He chloroforms ‘em while I drive
 
Sonny Say that again. Slowly this time,
 
Theresa Which bit? ( looks up from her phone) Oh --About the chloroform. OK. I go to clubs, where the beautiful and...(fixing on Sonnys bloated frame) the not so beautiful people of London come
 
Mimi. (whisper)And then............
 
Theresa We get to be friends, really enjoy ourselves - just like this, it was fun, weren' it?
 
Sonny OK - and then?.....
 
Theresa And then my friends become donaters
 
Sonny Donaters? I hear the words but I can't make this out (Sonny is completely dressed by now. Suited and booted he looks more regular than regulation. A bowler hat would not be out of place on his tight curls.)
 
Mimi  If you weren't sleeping so deeply you'd have heard how this one is a body transporter for the Pristei
 
Sonny  I still don't get it, call me slow or something. Is this anything to do with what happened to me a couple of weeks ago? Have you deliberately come for me again?
 
Mimi And what about me, you're not planning to do anything with me, are you?
 
Theresa Don't you worry a pretty little ‘air on your ‘eads -but I will need your home addresses shortly. You, big man, I think we akready have yours.
 
Sonny But two weeks ago, I was in a club, I had a whale of a time and the next thing I know I'm back in my own bed in a fever and three days have passed. There was a bottle of pain killers on the bedside table. I'm still on them. They're marvellous.( He produces a brown bottle from his jacket pocket and opens it. He takes two tablets and crunches them dry in his mouth)
 
Theresa Pristei people don't believe they die. As long as their organs are shared, sewn in amongst their families and loved ones they figure they're still around. But their old body, that's gotta be buried whole, that's why they need donaters -so they can be whole when they're buried.
 
Mimi And that's why you drive them around, so you can reload them while they bleed
 
Theresa Exactly and  Now you know  (Theresa smiles ) The Pristei owns most of the Thames Riverside luxury homes. Those that are rented out anyway.  If I pull that curtain back we'll have some lovely wavy stuff ter look at
 
(and to underline her point she opens the curtains wide. A panoramic view of a boat filled Thames and Thames riverbank life flows by the floor to ceiling extent of glass window. Judging by the massed boat clubs, the location is somewhere between Richmond and Kew).
 
Mimi and Sonny together (wail in unison).What's to become of us?
 
Right on cue Theresa' s partner, scalpel in hand enters the room, accompanied by his protectors, two giant dark coated enforcers who would put last night's bouncers to flight. One of the henchmen sports a baseball bat. His partner gingerly holds a steaming chemical pot at arms length.
 
Theresa  Now you know what we are, now you know what you are.The Pristei thank you for your donatering. I'll do me best with your needlework !