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Shorts
The Day She Left Him
By Kurihi
14 May 2008
The Day She Left Him


The man sits comfortably on the couch. The room is dim; it is lit up every once and while with small flashes of golden headlight beams sneaking past the blinds. There is a mix of various cokes and beer bottles scattered haphazardly across the coffee table where his feet reside. The woman is sleeping in the bed behind him or at least he believes she is sleeping. The television has kept her away from that much needed vacation time in dream land. Unlike him, she has a job and she is forced to wake up at 5 A.M. in order she is going to bum a ride off her older sister who chats way too much.

It’s 1 o’clock in the morning.

The munch and crunch of chips keeps her awake. She tries to think of sheep, small and plump sheep. The kind that you would see if you opened the children’s book  Mary had a Little Lamb. Unfortunately, the crackling of her Doritos bag as the man reaches in for the last crumbs keeps her mind chained to reality.

It’s 3 o’clock in the morning

The television screams as young teenage girl is murdered in the shower. One of her favorite horror movies is playing and so she is listening intently and then everything stops. A few moments later, an announcer exclaims, “And the score is 7 to 23! Ooo, it will be difficult for the Chargers to make a comeback.” The man has just put on the rest of the football game that his friend recorded for him yesterday. For the next hour or so, the woman is forced to listen to loud “Yes!”’s , the occasional “Touchdown!” and an obscene amount of curse words.

It’s 5 o’clock in the morning.

She gets out shower and puts on her work uniform. It takes her quite awhile to apply her make up because those bags on her eyes are hard to cover up. Her eyes whine to be shut and her mind is half awake. She clumsily opens the door. A surge of anger fills her when the man distractedly says, “Have a nice day at work, honey.”


© Copyright by Kurihi Chargualaf

Reviews
Cool
Written by AriadnePresident (11 comments posted) 13th May 2008
This has the potential to be a better story if you write it longer. I am not saying that there is anythong wrong with it - it is pretty good. Keep writing! :)  
Title-Hooked me 
Beginning-Good 
Overall: Pretty good. :)

Written by TwistedTales (500 comments posted) 14th May 2008
Neat story. I feel it says a lot and it stands well as a short piece. There is quite lot to be read into it and the readers can create their own world. I would've personally killed him, if I were in her shoes...coz i really pissed if someone disturbs me in my sleep and have the nerve to say, 'have a nice day' on top of it...:) 
 
Typos:  
 
In order she is going to bum a ride off her older sister who chats way too much. (If she wants to bum a ride..much?) Phrase the sentence better.  
 
The crackling of her (his?) Doritos bag 
 
Good work.  
 
Regards, 
TT

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3172 comments posted) 14th May 2008
A quirky little story, and an interesting way to tell it. I think it worked well. It did feel a bit flat in the telling as we were left to guess about her reactions to all this but I suppose she just absorbed it all and finally [if passively] cracked.  
I think there was a bit too much telling and not enough showing.That always involves the reader more. 
And there is no hint in the story that she is leaving. It is only the title that tells us. We need a hint in the story itself. Maybe something like, she goes back in to collect her favourite cuddly toy or just drops the key on the mat. We do need a hint in the story itself. I think 
Interesting work,  
jane

Written by Livinginanattic (454 comments posted) 16th May 2008
You've set up the atmosphere well and I particularly liked the 3am part. I would like to know more about her thoughts because I don't think it's just the noise that's keeping her awake. 
 
Ben.

Written by Kurihi (7 comments posted) 16th May 2008
Thank you for the helpful and supporting comments. :)

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