The Day She Left Him
The man sits comfortably on the
couch. The room is dim; it is lit up every once and while with small flashes of
golden headlight beams sneaking past the blinds. There is a mix of various cokes
and beer bottles scattered haphazardly across the coffee table where his feet
reside. The woman is sleeping in the bed behind him or at least he believes she
is sleeping. The television has kept her away from that much needed vacation
time in dream land. Unlike him, she has a job and she is forced to wake up at 5
A.M. in order she is going to bum a ride off her older sister who chats way too
much.
It’s 1 o’clock in the morning.
The munch and crunch of chips keeps
her awake. She tries to think of sheep, small and plump sheep. The kind that you
would see if you opened the children’s book
Mary had a Little Lamb.
Unfortunately, the crackling of her Doritos bag as the man reaches in for the last
crumbs keeps her mind chained to reality.
It’s 3 o’clock in the morning
The television screams as young
teenage girl is murdered in the shower. One of her favorite horror movies is
playing and so she is listening intently and then everything stops. A few
moments later, an announcer exclaims, “And the score is 7 to 23! Ooo, it will
be difficult for the Chargers to make a comeback.” The man has just put on the
rest of the football game that his friend recorded for him yesterday. For the
next hour or so, the woman is forced to listen to loud “Yes!”’s , the
occasional “Touchdown!” and an obscene amount of curse words.
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning.
She gets out shower and puts on her
work uniform. It takes her quite awhile to apply her make up because those bags
on her eyes are hard to cover up. Her eyes whine to be shut and her mind is
half awake. She clumsily opens the door. A surge of anger fills her when the
man distractedly says, “Have a nice day at work, honey.”
© Copyright by Kurihi Chargualaf
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Cool Written by AriadnePresident (11 comments posted) 13th May 2008 |
This has the potential to be a better story if you write it longer. I am not saying that there is anythong wrong with it - it is pretty good. Keep writing! Title-Hooked me Beginning-Good Overall: Pretty good.  |
Written by TwistedTales (500 comments posted) 14th May 2008 |
Neat story. I feel it says a lot and it stands well as a short piece. There is quite lot to be read into it and the readers can create their own world. I would've personally killed him, if I were in her shoes...coz i really pissed if someone disturbs me in my sleep and have the nerve to say, 'have a nice day' on top of it... Typos: In order she is going to bum a ride off her older sister who chats way too much. (If she wants to bum a ride..much?) Phrase the sentence better. The crackling of her (his?) Doritos bag Good work. Regards, TT |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3172 comments posted) 14th May 2008 |
A quirky little story, and an interesting way to tell it. I think it worked well. It did feel a bit flat in the telling as we were left to guess about her reactions to all this but I suppose she just absorbed it all and finally [if passively] cracked. I think there was a bit too much telling and not enough showing.That always involves the reader more. And there is no hint in the story that she is leaving. It is only the title that tells us. We need a hint in the story itself. Maybe something like, she goes back in to collect her favourite cuddly toy or just drops the key on the mat. We do need a hint in the story itself. I think Interesting work, jane |
Written by Livinginanattic (454 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
You've set up the atmosphere well and I particularly liked the 3am part. I would like to know more about her thoughts because I don't think it's just the noise that's keeping her awake. Ben. |
Written by Kurihi (7 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
Thank you for the helpful and supporting comments. |
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